Tuesday Surprise

Since last Friday, 4 of my colleagues lost their jobs. This recurring theme is getting a little old. One of our interns did a count of 17 people come & gone since she started with us about a year ago. It's never been in our department though... until this time around. Three people gone, including my nemesis, and R, who is an incredible teacher and a very intelligent guy. The future is very hazy at this point. On one hand, I'm relieved for the changes that were long overdue. And I feel bad for everyone who just lots their jobs, because that sucks. My third hand is nervous as hell about what the future holds for me specifically. Will I be able to give up all the random, menial tasks to someone else? And if so, what does that mean I'm doing with my time? Something else entirely... Will I like it? Will I hate it? Will I be good at it? Will I end up joining the unemployed contingent in a few short months myself??

The last few months, I've been doing some work on myself - talking through some kinks in life. Trying on some new ways of thinking about things. Attempting to be compassionate with myself. It's been interesting, frustrating, annoying and sometimes sad. And, on occasion, it's enlightening. Over the last few years, I've told many people that I'm a much different person now than I was before moving to Baltimore. It seemed almost magical, the transformation. I moved away and the dark shroud slid off my shoulders and the world was new. I'm starting to understand it, little by little. What happened to that other person with all the negative thoughts and feelings? She's hiding inside somewhere and I'm trying to coax her out, to understand why she thinks what she thinks and hopefully to change some of those thoughts. Because I'm tired of being told that I'm probably doing it wrong anyway.