it really is that bad

that's right. we at mcdonald's for dinner tonight. that's about the size of it around here.

our bathroom is trying to kill us

recent highlights:

• snow storm & snow day spent working on the house together
  
• meeting our neighbors while shoveling the walks
• kindness of strangers in the snow
  
• a christmas card from some of our neighbors (& it was really cute too)
• reassurance that we kinda know what we're doing. after 24 hours of panic about out-of-plumb-ness of our bathtub walls & the impending horrible tile job, we realize we were crazy yesterday & all is well.
  
• helpful advice from someone at work
• our house no longer smells like mold & nastiness
• finding a door in the attic. our bathroom will have some actual privacy!
• katie's back in b'more!
• gin & tonic before bed.
• cuddling up in our cold bed. (we did finally close the window but it's still insanely cold in here.)
  

low lights:

• hauling debris = expensive
• trips to home depot = expensive
• plumbing leak due to my interest in recycling/reusing our copper pipes = probably expensive
  
• the 24 hour period when we thought we had to tear down the bathtub walls & start over
• writing a crap ton of recommendations for folks i've supervised.
  
• writing a recommendation for myself for something my boss was too busy to take care of.
• our apartment. after a hard night's work, we took showers when we got home - as usual. i'd just lathered up when someone else (or multiple folks) decided to use the water. the shower went dry. no water. can't wait to leave here!
  

burst of fish

the week off has been pretty fantastic so far. spent the first few days working on the house - prepped for radiator modifications, worked on some annoying framing details, got some saw horses & other miscellaneous tools. dropped dan off at the airport for his band reunion/family Thanksgiving in STL. had a wonderful Thanksgiving at Caretaker Farm w/ katie & anna. i survived 9 hours of driving by myself - something i didn't think i would be able to do. i got lost a few times which extended the drive by 2 hours. oh windy country roads, your poor signage & fog were frustrating! i had a wonderful time chatting, hiking, cooking, eating, sitting by the fire & hanging out with girls. i miss spending time with girl friends. oh my, it was fun! i'm so looking forward to the maunz's return to the b'more region & the future success of their farm. (they're looking for farm names - so if you think of any GOOD ones, send them my way.)

the remainder of this weekend will be spent resolving all remaining bathroom issues - choosing fixures & finishing some framing details. the fixture choosing is stressing me out a bit. of course we want the bathroom to look nice & we want to like it a lot. but i also feel strongly that we should reuse existing things. i'm not yet sure how to balance my interest in being environmentally friendly/not wasteful & our interest in having a great bathroom. i'm not bold enough to try recycling a bunch of junky old tile into a fancy mosaic - though that would be cool, not my forte. i've been going back & forth about what to do w/ the bathroom floor. should we leave the old subfloor down and re-tile or should we pull it up in the hopes of finding hardwood floor underneath? (i'm pretty sure it's hiding under there somewhere...) i'm leaning towards hardwood exploration. probably a similar amount of work to salvage the floor but we wouldn't be purchasing new materials.

can't forget about the bathroom before, during & after pics. this was a few weeks ago. we've since removed the plumbing stack (thank you youtube & home depot tool rental), built a new wall & moved the doorway.






and a photo of the front for Mom Maunz (taken by the previous owner, Lino):

knockin' it all down

we've been homeowners for about 9 days now. it's exciting & nerve-wracking. anxiety kicks in when we're tearing things out & i realize the full extent of the work we need to do. thank god we bought a small house! so the above photo represents the state of our bathroom yesterday. i'm having some trouble w/ the camera - otherwise i'd post the after photo. we've torn out the entire bathroom - removed all the fixtures, tile, trim, one whole wall... lots of work. the demo reminded me how much i hate plaster. it sucks. it's a pain to tear off & a pain to clean up - so heavy! ugh. my shoulder was feeling fantastic until i sledged a few studs outta the way. i'm always amazed at the quality of 50+ year old carpentry. the studs are actual 2x4s, some with the bark still on. i have no idea what size the framing nails are but they're probably 4" long. crazy! i can't believe people used to drive those by hand. the carpenters must've suffered from some serious arthritis & joint problems.

what else? dan scooped water out of the toilet w/ a shot glass (haven't purchased a shop vac yet) & showered in the wacky basement shower. our bathroom has been reduced to a bucket that i seem to visit often... kinda glad we're not living there just yet. we also met a really nice neighbor who's a wood worker.

spent this past week in talladega, alabama w/ my supervisees. it was SOOO nice to get out of here, away from work, our smelly-ass apartment & this crazy house we now own. i lucked out & got a room to myself (unheard of), had amazing water pressure & plenty of hot water. um... 3 square meals a day that i didn't have to prepare. some lame & less lame workshops. it was pretty good. got back Friday afternoon. my work's supposed to be moving to our new building at the end of the week... ugh. i'm imagining a stressful week. but looking forward to coming home & having lots of projects to work on, which i think might help me turn off the work stress.

wondering if we'll take on floor refinishing...

we got the permit!

the beat goes on

we finally heard back from the sellers after 2+ weeks wait to hear if they would help w/ the cost of replacing the entire sewer line. wasn't expecting anything but lo & behold, they'll kick in $2k. pretty cool. we're rolling right along. still waiting to hear back from the city about the driveway. hoping for word by next Tuesday at the latest, though at this point, my resolve is crumbling because (a) i'm tired of living in this apartment (b) i think this is the right house for us & i like it a lot. i'm thinking more along the lines of, "we'll have 5 years to argue w/ the city about a driveway". our realtor contacted us yesterday to let us know the termite inspection took place last Friday & evidence of termites was found in several different locations. YUCK! why can't anything be easy with this place?! it seems like we should run screaming in the other direction. i met a structural engineer there after work to check out the damage. the only place we found termite damage looked pretty terrible to me. he checked it out & stabbed the visible area all over with a sharp pointy tool to see if it was more than superficial, which it wasn't. he advised that it was not a big deal & should not be a deal breaker because old lumber is much denser than what is currently available & the joist was in very good shape. i paid him $110 for his time & breathed a sigh of relief.

every time i go in there, the place seems smaller. i think that happens when people remove furniture though. can't wait to be done w/ this house buying crap. seriously. & done with our realtor. one of the contractors i called today about the termites was very confused that i (the buyer) was calling and not our realtor. the first time someone said that was when i contacted our title company. "Oh, we usually work with the realtor." huh.

i blew my nose on my shirt a little while ago. tired of using up all of our toilet paper for nose-blowing. t'is the season for colds & crap & we've both been sick.

i think this is day 2 of freshish air in our apartment. it's fantastic! i slept so well last night, i still can't believe it. i hope to sleep similarly well tonight. don't know what's gotten into our neighbor - nicotine patches?? whatever it is, i appreciate these short breaks we have in the smoky air. i never realized how much air quality affects me. but i can say that smoky air makes me angry & grumbly & if dan's around, i become pretty much of a whiner about the whole thing. it's pretty pathetic.

going out of town for work the first week of November w/ my supervisees - all 14 of them. should be interesting. 12 of them are under 25 & the other 2 are over 50. i so look forward to hanging with the 50+ crowd.

can't believe settlement is scheduled for next Friday. it's starting to seem all to real & it's freaking me out a little bit. i never thought we'd actually buy a house. but i guess we've still got a little over a week to wait. maybe we won't buy it... have to wait & see.

they lost our shit

so, today was the big day. we were supposed to hear from the city about the driveway. surprise, surprise - they lost our paperwork & have no record of it. the whole time i was on hold waiting for them to find our paperwork, i was almost physically choking with anxiety. will they say yes & we'll be extatic? will they say no & we'll be crushed? i didn't even realize that losing it was an option. aaah, baltimore city. why do you have to suck so bad?

the commute

since starting voice lessons a few weeks ago, i've taken up practicing in the car. it's the only "private" place - where i can't bothering anyone for more than a few seconds. the drive to & from work is so routine, it's a perfect time for vocal exercise.

i decided to fit in a little extra practice yesterday morning as i drove to a meeting in annapolis. at some point, i changed lanes a few blocks before the highway. next thing i know, some crazy f**k is honking incessantly, tailgating me, flicking me off, pointing at me in the mirror w/ both hands, yelling at me in the mirror, trying to run me off the road... it was a great way to start the work week. at first i dismissed the fool. why get so bent out of shape? i'm 99% sure i checked before changing lanes (though i was singing scales so it is possible that i wasn't paying as much attention as i should). after a few minutes of this honking-flickingoff-tailgating crap, i got a little freaked out. the guy looked INSANE - just filled with rage! i felt like he wanted to kill me. he cut in front of me at his first opportunity & attempted to slow down & get next to me. with morning rush hour traffic, it didn't pan out that way so he was in the lead as we got on the highway. he couldn't let it go... so he slowed waaaaaay down to a ridiculous speed. but i maintained the rear & after 5 or 6 miles of super slow driving, i merged onto another highway & was finally rid of him.

in retrospect, it's a little odd that i felt so vulnerable in this situation. i was in a car - a minivan. a big piece of metal that was going pretty fast. he wasn't able to touch me. but i was definitely afraid.

it's strange to me that some people flip out so completely over the stupidest shit. seriously. i mean, i get annoyed w/ other drivers sometimes & i might talk to them in my car in a sarcastic tone. but that's it.

i miss being able to walk to work. i thought doing vocal exercise in the car would make the drive seem worthwhile. & some days, it does. but most days, it's just not worth the frustration. only 5 more weeks until my work moves 20 minutes further away.................

go prune juice!

synopsis of the week:

• Monday: somewhat-painful but relaxing acupuncture (i really like the acupuncturist & want her to be my friend)
• Tuesday: newbies started @ work. had lots of doubts about one of the guys. he wasn't there for a day & i started getting complaints about laziness, etc. oh good! plus, he makes this bizarro 'click' sound before he says anything. i drives me a little bonkers. i hope he doesn't suck. met the driveway guy in the pm & he was reassuring.
  
• Wednesday: a long day of inspections @ our possible future home... some things were better than we thought (the roof) & some things were worse (the mold in the basement making us all feel sick; cracked sewer line in the basement & lots of roots in it outside).
• Thursday: back to voice lessons after a week off. the teacher is still nutty as all get-out, but i enjoy her. (what does that even mean, "all get-out"? does anyone else use that phrase or is it just my family?)
• Friday: loooooong day at work w/ a meeting that ran an hour longer than i thought. evening of babysitting the finnster @ P&T's. he's pretty adorable & super laid-back. it was a fine time. (though hanging out w/ babies makes it difficult for me to pretend i don't want children.)
• Saturday: mortgage discussion... hopefully we'll get this all squared away on Monday cuz it's making us nutty. gardening. my, do i have lots of peppers - green, a few red and lots of jalapenos. giving a green tomato recipe a whirl. think i f'd it up though. we'll see. D-bone is home!!
  

met with a driveway guy tonight. seemed promising. inspections tomorrow. feeling a little anxious that the plumber isn't going to show...

d's at the U2 concert. we gave the 2nd ticket to one of the new recruits at work. had 2 new folks start today. got some negative comments about one of them & that's no good... ugh. oh well.

i'm looking forward to curling up in bed & reading! no work tomorrow! yippie!

i need to pay my library fine

quick weekend getaway to stl for a family wedding. a good visit. restful and uneventful. tasty greek food w/ gena. the zoo w/ my bro & niece. hangin w/ the folks. cards w/ my grams.

back to the grind today. one new recruit is already having serious issues w/ his supervisor. funny thing is i saw this coming 1000 miles away. i knew there was an ego issue before i offered the position... how do you tell someone who doesn't even make minimum wage to stop being a wanker?? guess i have to figure that out. someone else got canned today. it's been a couple of months & everything seemed to settle down but this'll shake it all back up again i'm sure. i'm afraid part of her work will fall on me & i can't handle it.

everything's feeling a little crazy right now. find a mortgage. find an inspector. apply for a zoning appeal... & yet this doesn't seem any more real. well, maybe a little bit. are we really buying a house?? jeeeeeeeeezus. what the hell are we getting ourselves into??

don't jinx me!

ever since i wrote my super complainy blog post, i've had nothing to complain about. & no it's not because i got it out of my system. the problem has miraculously disappeared. thank you nicotine gum or our landlord or whatever magical faerie descended on our crappy apartment & made things better. i hope that doesn't mean the guy died & the place is about to start smelling like rotting flesh...

it's all about me really. no concern for him or his loved ones - just me & my nasal passages & lungs.

how long will these good times last?

end of week 2

between moving & work & house negotiations, it's been a long crazy stretch. turns out this cute new apartment is the worst hell hole ever. i have avoided writing because i have little positive to say. being in here makes me angry & i expend a lot of energy thinking about how much i want to strangle our downstairs neighbor for filling our apartment & our lungs with his stupid stupid smoke. it's awful. i woke up last night & felt like i couldn't even breathe. it was horrible. i'd like to burn this place down (so we don't have to live here anymore & we don't have to move our stuff anywhere else).

met with our realtor today for what we hope will be our final offer & contract signing. it's been a long stretch of negotiations for this damn place. d & i were at each other's throats today about the zoning variance. do we really need a drive way? do we need to get approval before we buy it? it all boils down to neither one of us wanting to spend one more day in this hell hole apartment. it's hard to stay rational & realistic when you're exhausted & miserable. & so it goes.

my 2 weeks of insanity at work is over & i survived. the new crew has arrived & is undergoing training. one of them was assaulted (mugged & beaten in CV) last week - horrible! they're a laid back crew. i don't feel as pumped about them as the previous crew, but we'll see how they do. i'm always apprehensive in the beginning.

at the end of the week i make a quick trip to the lou for a cousin's wedding. should be fun (& hopefully relaxing...)

final weekend in CV

the last few months i've often said to myself, "i'll never get to do _____ again..." a while ago it was walking home from work with M. then it was working w/ last year's recruits. now it's everything we do in our apartment & our neighborhood. funny thing - a few months ago i was complaining about how bored i am with Charles Village - i've walked everywhere i can walk from here, been everywhere around, there's nothing new, it's always the same old thing. but those are all things i'll miss a lot. we can't walk to the waverly market or downtown or to work or around guilford or to the book thing or the bank or to the halal meat & grocery. we will no longer be 10 minutes from everywhere (this was never really the case, but it sure felt like it).

we've packed up most of our belongings, moved a good bunch of them to the new place (thanks D for all the heavy lifting). there's still a good amount of stuff in here but it's strangely echoey. feels pretty crappy. i can't wait to get settled into the new place. it's hard to feel unsettled - especially for home bodies like me. it makes me a bit nuts.

side note: i hate bugs. i don't actually hate bugs. i usually do my best to capture & release them outside. but not these annoying little bugs that are suddently all over our apartment. i've never seen them before. they're similar to fruit flies with dark brown bodies. i don't know if they started in the flour or if they found the flour, but that was the first infestation i discovered. i cleaned out our pantry cabinet today & found them in 75% of all the dried grains and beans. gross...

so we finally heard back from the owner of Lino's House with a counter offer of $5k less than the asking price. we offered $20k less, so it's still a bit of a jump. it's not that we can't afford the asking price. i don't happen to believe the house is worth the asking price because of all the "updating" required (i don't consider adding a tub/shower to be updating, but whatever). i also worry about us being able to afford house payments if we were to start a family somewhere down the line & one of us was not working... & when we started this whole house hunting process, we both felt sure we wanted a house that needed a little cosmetic work - definitely nothing that needed this much of an overhaul. but here we are. we both like the place a lot - manageable size, affordable price, lots of character... i guess we'll see how it goes. once we agree on a price, we still have to do the zoning appeal for a driveway. who knows what will happen with that. we may not get approval & the whole thing would fall through & that would seriously suck. cross your fingers that all goes well.

D has now taken to calling me "Mrs. Ed" & telling me i eat like a horse... he's so fun.

the weekend's over already...

sometimes life scares the crap out of me... i can't explain it. it's not about death or anything quite so heavy. it's about choices & am i making the right ones... i don't know.

my parents came for the weekend and it was the first time in a long time that i felt like i needed to entertain visitors. it was a good visit but for some reason, i wanted to do more. i was the grown-up kid dragging all my toys out of the toy box to show off... but it is what it is. now they're gone & i'm sad & i feel very alone - even though i'm no more alone than i was friday before they came. it's just strange - that i feel the need to live far away. i'm not sure why we live here anymore. i mean, over the years, i've had lots of friends but i'm slim on close, local friends these days. all the good people keep moving farther & farther away.

we had dinner w/ the beej & aimee last week - which was great fun & i was belly laughing like a fool - and we discussed slogans for baltimore, deciding on "baltimore, keep moving". but we're not moving. we're trying to buy a house. i have a lot of hopes for said house - whether it's the current one or another one. i want to feel settled. i'm tired of wondering where we should be... because this is where we are.

at the same time, i'm not sure how long we'll stay. what if i don't go to school? what will we do for the next 5 years? i guess we'll figure it out, just like we've figured out the last 7.

sometimes, i wish i could just go home & be taken care of again & not have to make any of these decisions or have any responsibilities. hiding out from real life.

i know that's not what i really want. sounds good when i'm freaked out though.

so, we have to move out of our apartment in 2 weeks. we've got a big stack of rubbermaid tubs & boxes just waiting to be filled. (one tub has become a temporary sink for dishwashing as our kitchen sink remains clogged after 1 week & several plumbers...) i can't believe we have to leave this place. this is the longest i've lived anywhere since i left home for college. this place, as much as it makes me nuts, is home. i don't want to take everything off the walls & pack all of our crap in boxes. but it must be done. moving sucks. good thing i like adventures & new beginnings. hamilton, here we come...

Lino's House

This is the place we keep looking at & thinking about...

Front w/ wacky awnings & lots of trees...

West side yard - big & sunny for gardening!

"Back yard"

East side yard w/ patio

Half the living room w/ our realtor

Other half of the living room (future 3rd bedroom?)

Dining room

Kitchen (wish we could have the table & chairs..)

Office - open to kitchen

1st floor bath - I mean 1/2 bath... There's no tub/shower!

1st bedroom

2nd bedroom

Basement (w/ darkroom)


Basement shower - walls of siding (3 different types) - not tall enough for Dan to stand up in

Saturday's harvest:

swiss chard, basil, green onions, beets, lettuce, carrots

random phone pics

dan driving, 2007

close up of dan in bed, 2007

me in the kitchen, 2007

more of the same, 2007

katie modeling her straw hat, 2007

cabinet doors i made at my previous job, 2007

me at my previous job, 2007

bottle cap katie, 2007

ricky elz in our kitchen, 2007

mom & grandma playing cards, 2007

U2 in 3D, my birthday, 2008

2 snakes in my compost pile - can you see 'em? 2009

my first squash, 2009

these days...

i've learned it doesn't pay off to be full of rage & completely stressed out. of course, i knew this before. but i'm learning it all over again as my physical therapist beats the crap out of my neck/shoulders/back twice a week, bringing me to tears. i'm not sure if this is better or worse than the days when stress went straight to my stomach, leaving me constipated & sometimes throwing up uncontrollably. i think this is better. it's closer to the top of my person which means it's closer to leaving me, right? maybe i'm getting a little better at dealing with it?? i think so.

can't wait to get out of here & at the same time, i'm nervous about being gone (missing things at work, falling behind, leaving my intern w/out supervision) & about how "relaxing" our trip home will or won't be... i feel like we have to move closer to home in order to graduate into taking actual vacations by ourselves.

bizarro world

so, we had this "team building" thing at work this morning... it was pretty lame. for several of the activities, we broke into pre-assigned groups. guess who was in my group of 6... that's right, mm was in my group. what the hell? somebody's got it out for me. our first group activity was listing all of the things we value in a work situation. most of us said things like "honesty, integrity, communication, openness..." mm contributed things like "sacrifice". huh.

our final activity was to create values statements for terms that our group was assigned. what did we get? honesty & integrity, of course. the whole time i was thinking it was all too bizarre. why did this happen? was i going to bust at the seams & go on my soap box about everything? i sure felt like it - though i know that's not something i would ever seriously consider doing. we had no productive conversation - we stole the values statement example from the lame facilitator, verbatim. she didn't even realize it. our conversation revolved around what our new email address should be. pretty productive.

on the way back to the office, i spilled my guts to my supervisor. it was kinda freaky at the time - the words were just pouring out of my mouth. anyone who knows me knows how well i hide my emotions/thoughts... all of my frustrations came out. my supervisor agreed with all of my criticisms & said he's voiced his opinion many many times over the years. but it always falls on deaf ears, so there's really no point in sharing my thoughts... i'm so grateful for the conversation because i feel heard & now know i'm not alone. lots of folks feel the same. thank god. when i got back to the office, my face was flushed & the intern asked if i'd been out doing some public speaking (because she knows i get flustered in that instance...).

i feel better.


so, that was my day.

more venting

i would very much like this to be the last time i'm writing solely about the nonsense going on at work. it's been on my mind a lot lately - go figure. i spend about 50 hours a week there...

so last wednesday was m's last day. it was wierd. i was incredibly sad leading up to it & sad when she left & i'm still sad now that's she's really gone. the strange thing is that she really made me nuts sometimes, just being herself. so why was it so difficult to say goodbye? three big reasons: she was the only one of my colleagues with a spine - willing to speak her mind even when it was most unpopular; integrity out the wazoo; kind & genuine; a lot of her ideas challenged me to open my mind to different ideas & ways of thinking/being, which is something i don't find too often. it was a great loss to me & to our organization. it wouldn't be so horrible if she didn't have to leave the country - but she did. so it's almost like she died, which is just terrible & sad.

as if all of this wasn't enough, m's supervisor resigned under extreme duress the following day. i've been expecting it for a while & we'd talked about it several times, so it definitely wasn't a shock. everything that led up to it was very difficult to witness though - knowing i could do nothing but watch as this person whom i deeply respect suffered humiliation & degradation. i have lost any ounce of respect i had for the "leader" of our organization. i've been struggling with all of these thoughts for days - first wondering what i could do that would stop everything he put into motion & then trying to figure out how to deal with the resulting emotions. i've felt extremely disappointed this past week, which is wierd because i wouldn't say i care all that much for my job (though i do care for my direct reports). i honestly can't believe that people are like this... that i work for someone who is like this. i think there's a large part of me that felt good about going to work for people (& for an organization) that exists to help people. know what i mean? a job with a purpose that has nothing to do with personal financial gain. turns out power & ego are enough motivation for people to be assholes. so it's been a tough few weeks. i'm trying to figure out how to continue working for this organization - how can i stay & support the one in power when i disagree so strongly with things that are happening? honestly, i want the whole organization to fail. i want them to fall flat on their face. but i know that wouldn't change anything - it would just hurt all the people who benefit from the organization & all those who are employed there. so... i'm choosing to suck it up & figure out how i can express myself without loosing my job. all the stress of the last few weeks has sabotoged my other shoulder, which is now acting all crazy & painful. my physical therapist told me i needed to tell off whoever it was that was stressing me out so my body could relax & let go of the stress. how can i do it?

i've vented in my journal & to those around me & it's not enough. so, i'm venting here. it's funny - i feel like i'm on that tv show Survivor but i have no alliances & i don't know who it's safe to talk to...

things i would like mm to know:

• how does your self-professed faith in jesus christ inspire you to do this work & to humiliate and devalue those you employ? all people deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect - this includes the population we serve and your employees. it's all too catholic church for me - priests saying one thing at the pulpit & molest children behind closed doors.
  
• a few words about good leadership: (1) Strong leaders own up to their decisions. if you decide someone is no longer a good fit for the organization, communicate that openly and relieve them of their position in a dignified manner. it's all on you. own it. don't force them to quit or be miserable because they can't meet impossible expectations you've set. (2) Strong leaders are able to handle conflict. handle doesn't mean systematically remove all staff who disagree with you. disagreement is healthy - it even said so in "The 5 Disfunctions of a Team" book you made us read & lectured us about. (3) Strong leaders live up to their word. Don't say you're being open & honest when you know it's not true. your employees are intelligent people - we can smell your deceit a mile away. It's creating a culture of fear - people feel they cannot express their opinions openly lest they lose their jobs. (4) Strong leaders need strong teams to accomplish their goals. All of your foolishness occupies our minds so much that it's difficult to be productive.
  
• you may be building a large organization that will be successful someday, but you have no integrity. you're all talk.
  
• You suck.

and now it's late, so i must be off to bed. but first, a few quick notes about my real life: i went to a meditation group last week and a toastmasters meeting. both interesting things i'd like to do again. thich nhat hanh here i come....

seriously, a job that's not stressful. does one exist??

something is rotten...

...in the state of my job. ugh. another hard week. more crying. it was awesome. that place is sucking the life outta me.

one of the folks from the place we're merging with relocated to our office this week. initially i was kinda excited - fresh blood, you know? she's going to be doing HR stuff, though that was only a small portion of her job pre-merger. so i was asking her some questions about putting together training for the incoming crew (by the way, recruitment is in the toilet...), specifically communication training. you know, cuz not everyone's able to communicate well. & she made some gross generalization about young people's inability to communicate verbally, blah blah blah. it was full of spite & not at all what i was expecting. HR folks generally listen, not spout off their own bizarro opinions. our previous part-time HR person was full of ideas for communication training & she was great - cuz she was an HR professional. jeeeeezus. i thought the merger was supposed to improve things not put more boobs in charge.

the highlight of the week was hanging out w/ dan last Sunday. it was fantastic. the weather was gorgeous. we had a virginia adventure & visited monticello. i'd never been before. it was pretty interesting. it was so nice to have a full day off together, great weather & go on a little road trip. sunday's high caused the rest of the week to pale in comparison, i guess. M is leaving in 5 days. it's so wierd. i really feel that things are going to become unhinged in a matter of days/weeks.

on a brighter note, i'm going to a potluck with a wacky group of folks tomorrow... should be interesting. what the hell should i bring? it's gotta be something in season or i'll feel bad. huh.

forgot to mention our participation in shabbat last friday evening. i also enjoyed that. it was mildly nerve-wracking, but good. i have a little trouble distinguishing the boundaries when i hang out with my supervisees. not sure what's ok to say & what's not.

holy crap i'm tired.

the twilight zone

today work was a mixture of wierd, uncomfortable & awful. but i stayed until almost 9 tonight & i was able to catch up on some things & that feels good. stupid pms. tonight i started to feel kinda sad m is leaving. i had to break it to my supervisees today & that was no fun. who wants to be the bearer of bad news? (especially bad news that not really bad. good for her, finally being a little strategic & ending up with a severance package.)

i've got an intern for the next 5 weeks. kinda nervous about it, as i have absolutely no time to manage that on top of everything else. we spent more than half the day at the offices of the organization we're merging with... though it feels much more like a hostile take over. it was pretty awkward cuz we were just there to see which of their things would be moving to our office space. a few of them were discussing how much they didn't want to go/knew they weren't going to like their new job, etc. our E.D. released the newest organizational chart yesterday - a lot of people had different titles & different positions, some people were in different departments. the worst thing about it was that the newest staff member (6-months in) has been promoted to a department director & someone else who was the director for 5 years was demoted & is now working under her. but they're both such great people - super nice, etc. it's just so awful & awkward. the new director, who is also new to the non-profit world was telling me today that she expected non-profit to be very different but was surprised that it's basically the same as for profit. huh. that makes me feel ill. this is definitely not the place that it was 7 years ago when i moved to b'more. whatever. enough about my work. it's taking over.

i think the new intern's a little dyke. kinda cute. i think she was flirting with one of the other lesbians. can't say i've witnessed lesbian flirting right next to my desk before. first time for everything i guess.

i'm monica... i'm disgusting...

so, i feel a little bit like i'm being eaten alive at my job. i actually cried a little bit at work yesterday (secretly - i didn't make a scene & no one saw me). i was just so damn frustrated with all this crap. on top of my regular work load, which is already increased because of recruitment season, i've got a bunch of other stupid crap for the merger integration. & of course we're encouraged to work as hard as we can - no acknowledgement that we have lives or are breaking our necks to stay on top of things. i have yet to catch up since jury duty. it's pretty sad.

today's integration news: m got the pink-slip. her last day is june 30. it's kinda funny because organizing the staff to pose layoff alternatives was her idea. we can all see where that ended up... seriously though, she went about it all wrong. open hostility, etc. but she was planning to leave the country at the end of june anyway because her boyfriend's contract ends & they both have work visa's so they can't stay. i'm mixed between sad (because she really did bring some great things to our work place, or try to) & relieved (she made a lot of things significantly more difficult & stressful because she often says things in a critical way to our executive director) so, i'm pretty mixed about it. i've been pretty pissed off with her lately because i knew she was planning to leave & yet she never let up with the hostility - always pushing her own agenda. that part of me is so relieved this crap with her is almost over... & yet i know she'll be missed.

it's been a long, crappy few days. at the end of the day today i decided to join a few of the office gals for dinner & drinks to rehash all the crap going on. i knew it was probably not the best idea before i went. what else are people going to talk about other than rehashing & gossiping about merger stuff?? nothing. but i went anyway, in the hopes of bonding with my co-workers who i actually rarely see & don't really work with, per se. it was kinda ok for a while. at some point we decided to move on to other random topics. netflix came up. well, you know, i've been checking out some random documentaries lately & i decided to share. (i think i just wanted to have something to say, as i don't really know these people well & sitting silently is lame after a while.) last weekend i watched The Business of Being Born, which was actually really interesting. a little freaky, but good. (all about our health care system & why childbirth is medicalized in our country.) but the other one was just plain bizarre & i wanted to share it for that reason only. to see their reactions. well, it was a little ackward. conversation immediately stopped & then we went on to something else. so i guess i'm the wierdo... but that's fine. seriously though, wouldn't you be intrigued by the title Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate? well, maybe you wouldn't. but i was, so i watched it. thank you, instant download. i think that's all i'm going to say about it - you'll have to check it out for yourself if you're intrigued. it's pretty wacky. there's no actual sex in it at all. but it was filmed in the '80s & the people are so awkward looking... yikes.

so, i give up on people from my work. i'm just gonna be me & that's that. i don't need to bond with coworkers. of course it would help, but i realize it's not going to happen. & i'll probably still watch wierd documentaries cuz regular movies put me to sleep. (& sometimes documentaries do too, schmelvetica.)

is there a lesson here?

turns out our offer was too low. stupid crap. we were supposed to be mr. mcintyre's neighbor & raise our babies in that house. (i just want to clarify that we have no babies.) oh well. something else will come along, right?

too low, too slow or just right?

holy crap! we took a big leap yesterday & made an offer on a house. YIKES! it's cute, only mildly f'd up & it's C-H-E-A-P. exciting, nerve-wracking. the waiting around to hear something is annoying. of course we decide to do this on a long holiday weekend... oh well. though this place has some issues & i'm not quite sure how we would make it all work out well, i feel MUCH better about this place than the one we discussed in detail earlier this week. that one was insane - 3 story 4-bdrm house w/ a slate roof, driveway, garage,big deck and 16000 foot lot with it's own private forest. it was a bit nuts. but we could afford it. & i was really pumped about the great deck, little stone patio & potential for a mini-farm, it took a while to let it go. but it was completely out of my comfort level (project scale & price) & i didn't care for the house.

i'm a little worried about the floor plan of our possible future home cuz the basement & 1st floor stairs are in completely different, almost equally bad locations. i'd wanna fix that but i can't figure out a better configuration. makes me a little nervous that there's no good solution. i'm not sure if we'd be lucky to get it or not. but i know dan would be extatic because he's been on the verge of exploding with excitement for days. when i wasn't 100% sure sure about making an offer on the spot, i was mildly afraid for my life. he made some threats. but i admit sometimes i need some prodding/death threats to acccelerate my decision making, not to mention the 2 other couples that came by to see the place while we were there. cheap = popular, i suppose. we also met one of the neighbors who was older, nice & nerdy - i think we'd all get along just fine. he'd like us better than the hipster couple, right? stay tuned...

the story, sort of

www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/baltimore_city/bal-shooting-conviction0513,0,2135531.story

finally...

juror #271 is done. i will return to my real life tomorrow after 8 days off for this ridiculous crap. please stop making such horrendously bad choices, people.

By the power of Jesus...

...i command all of you slackers to write in your BLOGS! seriously... do it!

rural juror

not feeling inspired to write at the moment - but i feel bad every time i see my blog listed on dan's webpage & i realize i'm eeking closer to 3 weeks since updating. so, to relieve my guilt & move myself to the top of the list for a short time, here's the recent happenings:

• there will be a merger - mixed feelings all around. i was needing some challenge but it didn't need to come this way...
• my little underground group of folks from work finally sent out our memo about job loss to the big-wigs only to be ignored. the boss was really cranky about it & kinda yelled a bit about it at the next day's staff meeting...
  
• recruitment of the new crew has begun & it's been a big pain so far. not many female applicants so far. i hope they get their act together & apply. come on, lazy girls!
• my shoulder was really feeling amazing & we were talking about slowing down on therapy & then i went to a yoga class & over did it. i didn't purposely sabatoge myself - but i miss yoga a lot. pilates isn't the same.
  
• went to jury duty last week. everyone was like, "they'll see that you're a professional, white woman & send you home by 1pm..." fools. i don't dress professionally! i ended up on the jury for a murder trial that starts on monday. i'm a bit freaked out about it - missing work for most if not all of the week, possibly deciding someone's future (i'm an alternate) & seeing/hearing gory terrible things that will fuck with my head... sounds fun. i did meet this totally cool lady at jury duty though - we had a great conversation at lunch. made me realize how much i miss having close girl friends around. and i realized i could have friends who are significantly older than me. age isn't that big of a deal anymore. she was 54 & we had plenty to talk about.
• apparently they only have enough cash reserves to pay us all full wages for the next 3 months. we were told we need to figure out how to bring in more money - each one of us - & find ways to be more economical so we dont' have to lay people off. brilliant plan... i see a lot of layoffs in month 4.
• house hunting continues. we decided to check out a few places that were above our price range today & a few within. of course one of the expensive ones was pretty nice. but i didn't really feel like it was home for us - though it was the first place that had a good kitchen. we saw another place that was pretty cheap & HUGE. seriously enormous. 3 floors. the third floor was right inside the tall hip roof - very cool. but it felt like a bowling alley. i can't imagine dan & i living in a 3-story, 4 bedroom house.
  

who's steering this ship?

in the midst of all the craziness and activity at work, a resume passed my desk & ever since i read it, i've been wishing it was mine. yet again i was reminded that this [job, daily structure] is not what i want my life to look like... damn you, procrastination and excuses! i create you at every turn & cuddle up in the anxiousness and confusion you create, somehow convincing myself that this is how life has to be right now. i think there's very little truth in that statement, but i'll have to get off my ass & do something to prove it.

integrity schmintegrity

boy am i ready for this 3-day weekend. work is killing me. the last 4 days have been insane - the highs, the lows... i feel so bored & disillusioned. suddenly my job has no purpose because it's all a farce. not sure how long i'll last at this before i go stark raving mad. this possible merger has turned into a big fat monster. i met with a few work folks late last night to continue working on a plan to keep folks employed if the shit hits the fan. i really appreciate the different people i work with & the fact that we each have a different point of view. also, lawyers are amazing & extremely helpful in these instances. we've got a few ideas to iron out & i've got some research to do over the weekend. we had our last pre-decision meeting today, for our department, & it was really stressful. we went through all the pros & cons that i'd written up last week from our meeting notes. it completely freaked me out when i put everything on paper - because i don't believe in dancing around the issues & it was frightening to think about other's reactions. i knew some people (board members) wouldn't be comfortable with a few of the items & the potential conflict made me nervous. i tend to be pretty quiet during our meetings, because i either have nothing to say on the topic we're discussing or i need time to digest the conversation. in this particular group, this resulted in me feeling kind of foolish, in part because i'm the only female in the group & because i'm not mission driven, per say. anyway, this one board member basically said that though he agreed that a particular statement was true, we couldn't include it in our report because anyone who read it would vote NO on the merger. what?!?! i couldn't believe he said it out loud. it was one of the rare occasions that i spoke up & said if we left the information out of our report, it would be dishonest. eventually the guy gave in. i know none of this means anything to anyone else, but i had to get it out of my head because i'm feeling a bit anxious about it. i'm not sure how what i said was received by my coworkers, including my supervisor. i'm also not sure what to do with the other information that we had to strike from our report. i feel i need to get it into one of the other department reports because the truth needs to be told & heard. what to do, what to do...

diarrhea of the mind

life's been feeling a little crazy lately & so have i. sometimes exciting, sometimes depressing & everywhere else in between. could be my womanly times clouding my brain - i'm sure that's part of it.

there are some big changes being discussed at work. restructuring & whatnot. quite a few folks may lose their jobs. pretty crappy. what's wierd is, M is not driving me insane like she usually does. we've had some great conversations these last few weeks. many months ago M tried to convince me that the changes were going to be really terrible & i didn't want to hear it. everything she said felt so negative & rediculous. i thought she was crazy but in the last few months, i've realized she's right. M's been struggling to organize our colleagues to help them (& her) from losing their jobs. but it's a tough battle. people don't want to ruffle feathers - especially when their job might be in jeapordy. last week i decided to support her "out of the box" ideas & attended one of M's meetings. i don't give her enough credit for all the things she does. she makes me batty some times but she's really smart & motivated. shoot - she's got the most to lose. she'll be deported if she's fired. anyway, i learned all about "work sharing" & some a few other things. we'll see how it goes. time's running short & the final word is expected sometime this month. i hope the board votes NO but we'll have to wait & see.

in the mean time i've followed up on a possible job elsewhere. i'm not that interested in the job - but it doesn't hurt to find out more about it.

today was pretty fantastic. i've been waiting & waiting for a sunny weekend day. seems like it's been cold, cloudy & rainy forever. i worked in the garden last weekend & got caught in a downpour while planting onions. well, today was a gorgeous day & it also happened to be spring cleaning day at the garden. for the first time, i was excited to show up when i knew others would be there. it's hard to get into the zen of gardening when others are chatting you up, know what i mean? there weren't as many folks around as i'd expected. i chatted with a few but spent most of the 6 hours i was there preparing the beds for planting. last year's compost is all spread around. makes me so happy to dig through it & see all the happy worms still hanging out. got a good size pile going in it's place. (i actually scavenged people's weeds from the rubbish pile.) (p.s. flash knows my name & it's totally wierd!) i feel so great after working outside almost al day. sunshine, fresh air & physical labor make a difference.

i often wonder if i'd be happier if we lived the old fashioned way & had to do everything by hand. the simplicity of life would be a load off. you pretty much stay home all the time & work outside growing your food, caring for animals, washing laundry... sure, you wake up early & work really hard all day. but you're not driving anywhere & rushing around & trying to do 10 things at once. you're only doing one thing at a time & that's beautiful. but it might drive me crazy... i read this book called THE GOOD LIFE while we were on vacation in Oregon a few weeks ago. the premise of the book was pretty interesting - husband & wife leave their live in manhattan in the '30s & decide to farm in vermont even though they know nothing about it. that's exciting! they built a bunch of buildings out of stone & learned out to farm & make maple syrup & bartered for things they needed. cash was used very infrequently. i find the whole self-sufficient thing very intriguing. the idea that we really don't need much if we can grow our own food... the people in the book took it a little too far for me though. strict diet & all kinds of other wacky rules. i felt a lot better when i put that book down.

speaking of books - i read an INCREDIBLY BORING book about Alan Alda this week. i think it was his autobiography. there wasn't much of anything at The Book Thing last weekend & somehow i ended up with this terrible book. the man can't write. it was SO boring. but i read it anyway. why? i think it's laziness really. i wanted something to read & it was here. BUT now i started a new book - also from The Book Thing. it's much better. it's called BLUE HIGHWAYS but William Least Heat Moon. it's the account of this guy traveling all over the country in the late '70s. makes me want to pack up & get the hell out of here! there are so many adventures to be had!

ok - so i think that's all i've got for now. be good.

me & d in oregon

those crazy schluetermetz' being crazy

the rocky oregon coast - glad we didn't get a flat tire on the windy coastal highway. stupid rental cars!

so here's the thing... i've got some things to blog about but i'm behind with the themes. 2 weeks behind in fact. (actually, 3 but i got a 1 week reprieve). it's causing a bit of writer's block & stressing me out just a tad.

stupid houses

another sleepless night... i'm so ready for vacation. got up about an hour ago because i was tired of tossing & turning. i keep thinking about this house & i can't seem to turn it off. it's one that we saw last weekend & i was very much unimpressed by. it's small, has a bad layout, looks completely goofy on the outside & needs some serious updating (i.e. tear out the wood paneling & carpet, make a real kitchen, build a small addition on the kitchen...) so why do i keep thinking about it? many reasons, but mostly because i'm crazy. i've worked & reworked the floorplan for the past week. for some reason i think that dan & i could handle doing the majority of the work ourselves - which in theory is probably mostly true. but i admit, we're lazy people. he more motivated than i on our days off. i can't even be bothered to unpile the stacks of mail, newspaper, books & netflix videos from our kitchen table. nonetheless, i believe we are capable. that in & of itself is exciting to me. a project! but any house is a project, right? i mean, anything in our price range, which after today, i've realized is either very small (approx. 1000 square feet) and in need of updating, is a total piece of crap or some combination of the two. so it looks like our best bet would be to buy a small house. i can dig that. we don't need a lot of space.

this particular house though goofy on the outside & inside at the moment has potential. the houses across the street (same style) are very cute. with a small addition, it could have a very functional kitchen instead of a postage stamp. the house is on a corner lot on a quiet street. fairly low crime, compared to our current neighborhood. it's walking distance to the main street of shops, restaurants & stores. it's about half-way from both of our jobs. the neighboring houses seem to be in good condition, which is a plus. there's plenty of parking. oh, this house has a garage - it needs work, but it's a garage. the yard isn't as huge as other yards in the neighborhood but there's plenty of space for gardening & enjoying the outdoors. it has a front porch & back porch. the length of the house is facing south, so it would be fairly sunny. dry basement that dan can stand up it - pretty unusual for houses built in the '20s around here.

of course the whole place probably has no insulation, so we'd need to take that on or pay a bajillion dollars a year to heat & cool it. it's got oil radiators that i'd like to get rid of... um... oh yeah, someone started a fire on the back porch last week & burned a big hole in the back of it & ruining the porch. i know that seems terrible, but we wanted to make some changes to that wall anyway, so it doesnt seem like that huge of a deal. plus, we should be able to get it cheaper cuz it's got a black hole in it, right? that's what i keep thinking - except it's listed at an auction house & our realtor can't seem to get a hold of them. guess we'll just have to see what happens.

i can't wait to go on vacation & stop thinking about all this crap.

Challenged & defeated

after today i can surely say i don't know enough about communication. i know very little, actually. it's funny that most people spend more than ten years in school, learning all kinds of things that people deem important and yet there are so many life skills that are passed over. the ability to communicate effectively is just one such skill. without it, life is pretty rough.

i'm no fantastic communicator by any stretch of the imagination. dan and i were together for several years before i started taking chances & actually expressing my deepest thoughts & feelings. it feels like such a risk, you know? i'm sure some of it i learned from my family - but the rest i think is society. it's impolite...

long story short, i had to do some "conflict management" between two of the people i supervise at work today. it's a situation that's been festering for a while & they had been unsuccessful at making any headway. it didn't seem like that big of a deal - just some unspoken frustrations that weren't communicated over a period of time. i was actually kind of excited about it - because i like challenging myself with new things, i need to feel challenged at my job & i think this kind of thing is really interesting. (it might just be that the idea of doing it well is interesting...) so i got some advice from an HR person (we don't have one on staff) & did my best. everything was going well for a while but things took a wrong turn at some point, which i wasn't able to see at the time - of course. it ended up that one person felt really terrible & kind of ganged up on , upset & crying. i can't stop thinking about the whole thing. if only i'd stuck with the original rules of engagement, the discussion would've ended on a much more positive note, i think. i feel nauseous and terrible about the results of my "facilitating". oh communication, why is it so damn difficult sometimes?

coming soon...

...themed blogging. just before Katie's B'more departure, I joined her & her roommate, Rachel, for a walk around the hood. On this walk, we came up with the idea of each of us writing a blog based on the same theme. I'll give the first theme a whirl in the next few days. you can find their blogs listed over in the sidebar if you want to check out their take on things too.

i wish dan wouldn't steal my titles

me at age 3 - a carpenter at heart from way back...

there's a lot to say & nothing to say, all at the same time. i don't know how that's possible. it seems like a lot of things have been going on - but i think most of the goings-on have occurred in my head. not too much happening here on the ground. i realized this blog has made it more difficult for me to process life. i don't do much thinking or journaling about my thoughts anymore. i expect to take more long breaks from blogging in the future to make time for personal writing. i guess that's just FYI. if i'm gone from the blog-o-sphere for a stretch, don't curse me too much (like i do you, every time i check your page & it says the same thing...)

so, what's happened lately? katie moved away this weekend & i was sad to see her go, though i know she'll have some great adventures, learning & time to build her farmer confidence in the next several months. i just wish we didn't have to stay here. baltimore's become this strange place where almost everyone else we know leaves... i've never been in a place like that before & i don't like it. i wish baltimore felt more like "home" - solid & secure, with lots of friends around. it's strange that i had a lot more friends during the first 2-3 years i was here than i do now. i hate this starting over crap. if i have to do it, i should at least have the joy & adventure of moving to a new place.

had a group of folks over from work the weekend before last & totally stressed myself out about it. so, it ended up kinda sucking because i wasn't relaxed. which i knew would probably happen because i don't know any of the people well, they hadn't been over before & i'm at least a little batty. so i went all crazy cooking & cleaning the hell out of our apartment (which doesn't happen often & i was glad to have the motivation for a good cleaning).

i turned 32 last week. it was unusually fun becuase i got to spend time with dan & with katie & we did something out of the ordinary (took a trip to DC & had ethiopian for dinner). the fun didn't stop there - it stretched into 2 days - the day of & the day after because i took the actual day off work. when i got to work on friday, my desk was decorated with lots of balloons & streamers. i felt pretty special. i had to share a baby picture & something about myself, which i'd spent an exceptionally long time thinking about because i wanted it to be funny. i think it went over well.

my brain is melting now & i have to go to bed.

are we there yet??

i was reflecting on life a bit on my walk home from work today. my days have been unusually boring lately & it's left me feeling kinda crummy. my own skin is feeling increasingly uncomfortable. a confidence thing, i think. i have no patience. i'm tired of winter. where is spring? i'm tired of feeling tired & hungry all the time. i need more sunshine.

my passport probably expired, because i was lazy. i think about it every day after work - "oh, i should renew that..." & yet i do nothing. EVERY DAY! why do i do this? same thing happened with the class i wanted to take this semester (just for fun). i made the decision over new years but didn't go to sign up until last wednesday, only to realize the class was already full. of course it was!

also, i don't want to walk to work with M & i wish she would stop asking & calling our apartment in the morning. i enjoy being lost in my own thoughts on the walk. it's funny - i think of myself more as a morning person that an evening person, but only after i have a significant amount of time to myself to 'begin' the day.

wow... i need to go to the gym.

will i even dig out my passport??

the exciting life & times of J.L.A.

last week at work, one of the newbies was looking for some drywall mud. i escorted her to the appropriate area & suggested she open the bucket & make sure it wasn't all dried out since it was leftover from a job 6 months ago. i then went about my business elsewhere, noticing from afar that it sure was taking her a long time to choose a bucket of mud. a short time later, she came & told me she'd driven into the garage door & it was broken... yikes! (this door is my nemesis. you may remember from an insomnia inspired post from Oct '07.) the following day, she told me the first bucket she opened was full of poop... old, smelly human poop.

also last week, dan woke me up in the middle of the night whine-yelling, "do we have a cat?!?!" it freaked me out & i thought a cat had somehow gotten into our apartment & our bedroom. then i went back to sleep.

the end.

it was me

i cut the fart in yoga class

sorry...

highs & lows

my day's been a bit bizarre, mostly due to an exchange i had w/ my boss. i rarely see the guy - our offices are on different floors & we don't work together or anything... anyway, he consulted my advice on plunging one of the toilets & was really embarrassed about it. the fact that he asked me for help even though he really didn't want me to see his toilet-clogging poop was kind of endearing in a way. he was completely human for that few minutes. everybody poops.

the shoulder seems to be getting better. i may be done in a few more weeks, which would be great!!

thinking of signing up for voice lessons this semester... i feel kinda excited about it.

i close w/ a few final pics from 2008.

(katie showing off her mad milking skills)

(our visit to see katie on the farm)

(dan's folks on our trip to the jersey shore)

1 comments

i've been waiting & waiting for my final physics grade thinking they surely still send them in the mail, right? cuz that's the only way your folks know if you're flunking out. not that my folks care about my physics grade, but i do, dammit!! i wised up today & found 'em on the internets. i think this is the first time i've ever sported a 4.0.

i just went back to work after a 5-day break. thought i'd have plenty of time to do a nice long end-o the year blog post but somehow that didn't happen. i got all caught up in baking & goofing around & reading books about real estate. good times...

my first roasted veggie recipe was a dud. it was so beautiful! ...until it slid off the baking sheet into the bottom of the oven (i FREAKED OUT). we rescued it & reassembled everything as best we could. in the end, it got a little over done & dry. alas. it sure was pretty though.

not much else to say.