writing is hard

is it sad that i want to take a writing class? well, maybe. but maybe not. i mean, it's been almost 9 years since i wrote anything. turns out i miss being able to easily compose an intelligent essay. so i'm working on this grant - i use the word "working" very loosely. i spend most of my time reading through it & reading other materials about it & then procrastinating... :) that's me. eternal procrastinator. especially when it's something i'm excited about. it's
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so i wrote that several days ago... it's now friday. thought i'd get around to finishing it but that didn't happen. been working too many long days - cuz o this damn grant. it's kicking my ass. i finally started writing something. or, reorganizing all the info from previous grants & updating stuff & trying to put together a logical, concise essay. the one written last year is so damn rambly & awful. not sure if it's going ok at this point. but i'm DOING something & that's a step in the right direction.

looks like i'm gonna have a lot of comp time racked up by the time this is done. was thinking maybe we could skip town for a bit but D's schedule is pretty busy for a while yet w/ set & lights for the next show. lame.

i just got back from a nice walk w/ E & L (my old boss & his wife - & their kid, but he fell asleep, so it was almost like he wasn't really there). it's damn cold outside but i have to say, i really enjoy walking, even in the cold. i've worn 2 pairs of long johns every day this week, along w/ my regular pants (otherwise i probably would've been sent home for improper dress).

dan's buggin me to finish this & hang out w/ him. more later.

same old

what a f**king week.

sometimes i wish we were amish. sure, every day life would be a lot more difficult (physically demanding, time consuming tasks...) but at the same time, certain things would be a lot easier. (i guess the jebus thing would be a hang up for me too.)

the dwindling group of friends here in balto has really been getting to me this week. & the lack of challenge at my job is getting to me too. things are piling up & becoming frustrating. i feel ready to leave this place & have a new adventure somewhere else. but that just tells you how spoiled i've become w/ the whole job thing - i haven't had a solid job for ...hm.... almost 3 years, i think. apparently i'm a big baby.

thoughts about this past week:

• got a jury summons... better find a good book.
• read a lame book. the story of the guy from the movie Shine.
• skipped the 2nd meeting of the book club i was "trying". i need to make & take opportunities to be more social but i had a strong feeling it would suck.
• wish i could magically be gregarious instead of whatever the hell this is.
  
• fell down in the warehouse at work yesterday & realized i really don't bounce anymore.
  
• went for walks with my old boss, twice. his wife & kid are out of town & he's needing folks to hang with, just like me.
• watching reruns of the cosby show is GREAT.
  
• got some crappy news from a good college friend who's being forced to deal with her own mortality & that's shitty & wrong.... especially at 32.
• i feel very lucky to have dan in my life.
  

no thank you

just got back from a nice long winter walk by myself. would've enjoyed my boyfriend's company but he was at work - because i need money. at least, that's what he says. (of course, he's just teasing me. it's part of our routine...)

i really like walking in our neighborhood. there's such variety in building types & styles... as i was walking, i realized there are quite a few different places of worship in charles village. we've got all flavors of christian churches: catholic, episcopal, baptist, methodist, lutheran, & christian science, along with a masonic temple & a quaker meeting house. i'm so appreciative of my neighborhood & all of the different places i get to pass by every day. i've even checked out a few of them. the catholic church when the inlaws were in town once - they don't know i'm a heathen yet. i went to the episcopal church once w/ my friend katie - just to check it out. for the past few years i've really wanted to have a stronger spiritual connection of some sort, so i decided to give the episcopalians a whirl. one thing i like about catholic church is, generally, there are a lot of people present & it's not difficult to feel anonymous, which i enjoy. anyway, so the episcopal service i went to was in a cute basement chapel. it was pretty small & there were less than 20 people present. anyway, i was mostly comfortable until everyone got up & formed a circle on the altar. (i didn't realize this was communion time... ) so the priest blesses the hosts & wine & walks around the circle to each person, passing out communion. the fact that i don't take communion because i don't believe in jesus christ is something i feel strongly about, even if it makes me feel awkward. so, the priest gets to me (mind you it's so silent you could hear a pin drop) & i loudly whisper "no thank you." i think i actually had to say it twice because he didn't hear me the first time. anyway, he stopped & said a special blessing over me - probably so i don't go to hell - & continued around the circle. not sure i've ever felt quite so awkward. i was thinking about checking out the quaker meeting house on my walk & then i remembered the episcopalians...

i gotsta get myself in bed. it's getting late & i have a crappy cold that requires lots of rest.