Sleep

You know when you're in the depths of exhaustion and all you want to do is sleep, and you can't?  That's me right now.  This baby is now 7 and a half months and still wakes 2-3x night.  Big brother's in a similar spot.  I haven't sleep more than 2 hours in a row in I don't know how long.  Tonight, Dan offered to let me sleep in the spare room.  So I went to bed at 9.  I was still lying awake at 11:30, no sleep in sight.  Figuring it had to do with being in a weird room, I went back to my room, only to wake the baby and cause a big fuss.  And then continue to lay with the 2 of them not sleeping.

I'm so, so tired.

I made the stupid mistake of reading a work email before bed.  I'm worrying about my stupid job, which I am very unhappy with at the moment.  It's making me insane.  I'm sharing this nonsense here in hopes of getting at least a little sleep before this night is over.

2 weeks into my maternity leave, in early March, I was informed that the program I manage was not going to be funded after the current term ended.  We received funding to host it, but were having financial issues on our end and couldn't fund the remaining portion.  And, we'd been having a lot of challenges with the program so all in all, I think it was a good decision to take a step back and re-evaluate.  But of course at the time I freaked out that I was losing my job.  It coincided with layoffs and I was told that my position had been eliminated.  Our CEO planned to host the program again in 1 years time and wondered if I could take an extended leave, coming back to work when we host again.  My post partum brain was panicking and I really wasn't sure what would be best so I said I really needed to keep my benefits and if I was not able to keep a position, I would have to seek work elsewhere.  So, they decided to keep me because one of our high level staff members "really values me".  Anyway...

Fast forward 7 months.  My program ended about 6 weeks ago.  I had a few weeks where I didn't have much of anything to do.  And what I was given to do was so pointless, I didn't do it because I didn't want to.  I have no direct supervisor and no position.  My schedule requires me to be in the office 3 days per week and then work from home at least 6 hours each week.  Meeting my hourly obligation became a real challenge. 

Our CEO assigned me a proposal to write for a program I knew little about.  Seemed interesting but I didn't quite understand what I needed to write - what the format should be, what information to include.  I drug my feet a bit.  I provided him with a very rough draft.  I met with a former colleague who had some experience related to the program I was to draft and I was able to do a little more writing.  At approximately the same time, I received 2 other drafting projects from another high level staff member who "really values me".  The first project was a quick turn around.  The second project was much larger, came with no constraints and little information on what was needed, and no deadline.  Shortly thereafter, my son was injured and I missed some work to care for him.

I'm laying here listening to the baby cry and kicking myself for waking here up earlier.

Anyway, I was then told by the staff member who "really values me" that I was not to work on anything else until I completed the drafting project for him, though he still did not provide any details.  So - I spent many hours and days working on this project - came up with different floor plans, etc - only to be told I was to stick with the original plan he'd provided.  I scrapped those and went with what he originally asked for though it didn't fit with the space provided.  He didn't give any additional feedback so I continued to work and came up with some better options.  He selected a version (most like what he'd originally asked for) and I continued to finish the set of plans. 

Anticipating the end of the drafting project and being able to wrap up the other proposal, I spoke with my former supervisor about creating a real position for myself.  I told him what I was interested in, we talked about what some options might be and he said I should speak with our CEO first.  So, I scheduled a meeting with our CEO and my former supervisor for early the following week.

The day before I completed the set of plans, the other staff member decided to scrap nearly every constraint he'd provided.  "Why don't we move this here?  Why don't we try this?  Why...????"  I'd already tried those things.  In fact, that's where I started my process, because it made a lot more sense than what he'd asked.  So much frustration and wasted time!!!!  And then he told me this set of plans was "just to get past permitting", that we would actually decide what we were going to build in the field.  We could amend the plans later.  What?  What?!?!?

How is that helpful to anyone?  How is anyone else supposed to do their job? 

Rage.  Blind rage.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I spent ALL THIS TIME working on something that didn't need to be precise because it didn't matter... because it wasn't actually going to be used. 

I finished the set of drawings, which took 1/2 day longer than I'd anticipated.  I spent the little time I had left working on the proposal.  Sent it off to another high up staff member for feedback only to find out that it is (of course) needed ASAP. 

I want to do a good job on this thing, because I don't like doing shitty work.  And, I'm in this position at the moment where I feel I need to prove I'm useful - because I kinda need to prove I'm useful.  And, I've got this meeting with our CEO scheduled for early this week to talk about my future...  but I can't finish the proposal because I.CAN'T.SLEEP.

And if I can't sleep, I can't think.  My brain literally doesn't work.  So here I am freaking out and unable to sleep...

If I don't turn in this proposal by Monday, I have no leg to stand on at my meeting with our CEO.

And, I hate that our baby is crying.  I just want to snuggle her up. 

Even more than that, I just want to S.L.E.E.P.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 more days until I head back to work.  I can't believe it.  I feel panicked.  Anxious.  I really really really do not want to go.  The first 2 months adjusting to our family of 4 were rough.  The third month was a honeymoon of sorts.  I was getting a decent amount of sleep, being reasonably productive around the house, things felt balanced for the first time in a looong time.  Wow.  Balance.  It's been elusive since S was born.  And then it slowly crept back in.  Aaah.  And it was nice.  D and I both thought so and really appreciated the fact that I was home.  The last few weeks have been much more stressful than I would've liked - trying to get some things done in the kitchen before I go back and biting off more than I/we can chew.  And generally just freaking out about going back to work.  For a good stretch there, I thought I wouldn't really have to go back.  Almost 4 months off seemed like a lifetime.  Surely we'd figure out how to make it so I wouldn't have to go back if I didn't want to. 

In all honesty, we did not prepare for me to leave the workforce - just take a short break.  So, it is what it is.  I'm going back.  Someone else will be caring for both of our children in the meantime and that just sucks.  There have been so many times in the last few weeks/months that I've thought, "I can't get enough of them.  I could eat them up!"  One of the things I've appreciated most is being on better terms with S.  I'm not sure if it's age - he's growing up - or my being around more, but we get along much better.  He seems to have leveled out a bit.  Not so many tantrums.  And I think part of it is because I've been around all the time.  It's felt very comfortable for me.  I wouldn't doubt if he feels a bit more secure now too.  And I'm so sad to lose that!

As of next Tuesday, he'll be going to preschool (!).  I know.  School?  Well, anyway, it is what it is.  Once he adjusts to his new surroundings, I really think he'll love it!  The toys, the new friends, learning new things!  He'll have a blast.  Anna, on the other hand, is likely going to have a hell of a time adjusting.  We've been apart maybe 4 times in nearly 4 months, for 2-3 hours each time.  She doesn't like to take a bottle from anyone.  She wants to be snuggled ONLY by me when she's super tired/cranky/upset.  I know she'll be fine in the end, but she's going to be so distressed for the first several days and probably not eating well at all.  And that makes me feel like crap.  If only I could bring her to work with me!  Or - even better - I could just stay home!

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!