Names

People at my work have been contributing names for our future child. This is the list so far - it's on a big white board in the hallway. Babar's my fave.

Wish Me Well

Currently worrying about a conversation I have to have with my boss. Not looking forward to it. Not really sure what to say or how to say it. My boss is very new to being my boss - we don't cross paths much. Really don't know what to expect at all.

Our week of "vacation" comes to an end. I still have my usual Monday off tomorrow, but it's back to work for the Danners. Hard to believe that a week ago we were sunning ourselves on the beach at Assateague. It was a gorgeous day for the beach though none of us brought sunscreen... Who knew it would be such a nice day? Not me.

The inlaw visit was good. Uneventful. Indeed it seems that staying out of the house as much as possible is the best thing to do.

Got some good stuff accomplished this week. Lots of lanscaping mostly done. It looks tons better than the dirt farm of summer.

THEN:

NOW:

So far, this rain garden seems to be draining well, which feels like a huge victory after watching it sit for 6 weeks or so full of water during almost continuous rain. We tilled in a lot of sand, gravel and organic materials before planting. Hopeful that it doesn't have anymore issues. Still a bit of work to do - a few more things to plant along the side of the house, pavers for the garden path to install and a bit more mulching.

The focus for the rest of the week was tearing out most of the old kitchen. We decided not to deal w/the cabinets and plumbing right now because it's not necessary for the insulation work to be complete - so that'll be a project for some future time. We moved all of our non-cabinet kitchen stuff into the back bedroom and tore down all the crappy paneling. It used to be a happy yellow kitchen before the evil wood paneling and brown paint took over. The next day, I was sick as a dog with either a quick flu bug or food poisoning (crappy Chinese food) so Dan slaved away alone that day and the next by himself, tearing out lots of other stuff.

Before:


After:


So - that's where the vacation house work ends. And such is life around here. It was fun to hang out w/ Dan for the week, when I wasn't vomiting. Wish we'd had more time for fun things this week. But that will come in time.

Back to work this week. Off to Talladega, Alabama next week for work. Back to Balto for a few days and then we'll head to St Louis for a wedding the first weekend of November. Looks like we'll be enjoying our food in the not-so-kitcheny kitchen for a while yet...

Gosh, life is exciting.

this sucks

Sunday night

When I was a kid, I was envious of my dad sometimes - because he got to mud & tape drywall and he also got to eat as much ice cream as he wanted everyday. Now that I'm grown, I'm not so interested in daily doses of ice cream, but I do enjoy finishing drywall. The sound of the knife against the pan reminds me of being a kid and I feel lucky that I get to do this in my own house.

Chicago

Room with a queen size bed all to myself
Wish the Danners could've come with me

French fries and a chocolate shake don't make the best dinner
Unfortunate
My tum is hungry

Wearing the big fluffy robe

Looking at the room service menu - ridiculous prices
Might just do it anyway
Gotta eat

The Next Frontier

And so, 8 people completed their service terms this week, 7 of them today. I thought this day would never come. I've been impatiently awaiting its arrival for a few months now. It's finally over. I don't think I picked the wrong people (except in one case). 99% of it was the organization and all of the challenges and struggles over the past year - they exacerbated any and all personality differences and brought on more incredible challenges. It was rough. I actually cried in the office of a coworker this past Tuesday, because she said "it's been a tough year". Apparently that's all I needed - it triggered the floodgates to open. Super suck. I don't even like her. And I certainly don't trust her.

So - it was a great way to start the week. I was expecting the worst, because I always cry when everyone leaves. Every year. Like clockwork. I should just tell them on day 1 that I will cry on their last day. But that's weird, so I don't. Even though they've put me through the ringer for the last 10-1/2 months, I love them. They inspire me, and bring life and energy to our work place and to the lives of so many. And really, it's not their fault that we don't have our shit together.

After they left, it was so quiet. This happens every year too. The life and energy are gone. But I was relieved. The drama finally ended.

The bright spot came when one of the big cheeses (the only one I like and trust) asked me what I thought about the year. And we talked. We had a lengthy, candid conversation about the struggles of my supervisees, some of my struggles and other things I see that he simply can't from his position. So, next on my task list is to compile the feedback from my supervisees and share it with the heads of the company. Including the stuff about them thinking the company president is a bufoon. I feel excited and empowered but nervous at the same time. Anyone who gets on the bufoon's bad side doesn't seem to last long and I don't want that to be me. If and when I leave, I'd really like it to be on my own terms.

It was also good to hear a candid view of the internal struggles of the organization. To know that people are considering whether it can be a machine and still achieve quality service to all recipients or not. I'm really voting for not, even if that means we have to have a smaller staff. Crappy service from a non-profit organization makes no sense. Why do it at all?

Anyway, wish me luck in figuring out what the hell I should say to a bunch of stiff suits I don't trust a lick and a 2 great people I like. Hope it turns out okay. I've never really had the opportunity to be the one that says something profound and I don't know that I'll say anything profound - but I do think that many things I have seen and heard are not known by the people at the top. I hope that it will help bring about some much needed change. Because it feels like we're headed for the toilet if we keep going in this direction. Can't take another year like this.

Dirt Farm

Some work's finally getting done around here by someone else - and that's pretty cool. Although I admit, I felt like a schmuch today, trapped inside the house while I watched 3 guys bust their butts tearing up our yard. It's weird to have other people working around here and not be working along side them. In the span of 2 days, our yard went from very green to very brown. It's almost completely dirt at the moment. A bit strange.

The neighbors seem very excited about the project. Are we putting in ponds? Installing a driveway? Did I bury Dan in the yard? I didn't realize rain gardens would require tearing up the entire yard. But, it's kinda nice to have a mostly blank slate to work with.

One of the workers reminded us both of a wrestler/porn star. Not sure if he ever held either position but he did admit to a previous career as a stunt man. Huh.

So, that's the excitement around the house these days.


Getting ready for a trip to STL in the middle of next week. It's been challenging to wrap my mind around going back this time. Some things are much closer to the surface than I'm used to/comfortable with and I can't seem to tuck them back in to their hiding spot. But that's the point, I suppose. I've noticed some small things that have changed, which is nice.

On the work front, another colleague got the axe on Friday. It was a long time coming, so it's good that it's finally over. I'm recruiting for the next crew, but a good part of me just isn't into it like I usually am. It's been a rough year for everyone at work, I think. I can't wait for this crew to be done. A few folks in particular are huge thorns in my side. Never expected that. I now know all too well that we recruit/hire our own problems. Yikes. Lesson learned, I hope.

Looking forward to yoga at the gym tomorrow, putting in some soaker hoses and the water timer, and yanking a lot of ivy. Hoping the crew isn't going to be back tearing shit up again in the morning. It was a rude awakening today when the wrestler/porn star started up the back hoe right outside our bedroom (dining room) window.

hungry
tired
dirty
nose feels crusty
with a little controlling and cranky mixed in


that's about the size of it

Tuesday Surprise

Since last Friday, 4 of my colleagues lost their jobs. This recurring theme is getting a little old. One of our interns did a count of 17 people come & gone since she started with us about a year ago. It's never been in our department though... until this time around. Three people gone, including my nemesis, and R, who is an incredible teacher and a very intelligent guy. The future is very hazy at this point. On one hand, I'm relieved for the changes that were long overdue. And I feel bad for everyone who just lots their jobs, because that sucks. My third hand is nervous as hell about what the future holds for me specifically. Will I be able to give up all the random, menial tasks to someone else? And if so, what does that mean I'm doing with my time? Something else entirely... Will I like it? Will I hate it? Will I be good at it? Will I end up joining the unemployed contingent in a few short months myself??

The last few months, I've been doing some work on myself - talking through some kinks in life. Trying on some new ways of thinking about things. Attempting to be compassionate with myself. It's been interesting, frustrating, annoying and sometimes sad. And, on occasion, it's enlightening. Over the last few years, I've told many people that I'm a much different person now than I was before moving to Baltimore. It seemed almost magical, the transformation. I moved away and the dark shroud slid off my shoulders and the world was new. I'm starting to understand it, little by little. What happened to that other person with all the negative thoughts and feelings? She's hiding inside somewhere and I'm trying to coax her out, to understand why she thinks what she thinks and hopefully to change some of those thoughts. Because I'm tired of being told that I'm probably doing it wrong anyway.

self care

so, i'm trying this new thing. sitting in stillness for at least 2 minutes everyday. today was the first day. i feel peaceful.

Work Drama

And so it continues.
I'm at home working on a grant application for a program that may be eliminated in a few weeks. Productive use of my time? Not so sure. To top it off, it's my day off...
Checked my work email first thing this morning to find out that the director of my department has resigned/was fired. He didn't quite make it a year. Funny thing is I liked him. He was smart and focused, personable, centered, calm. When he first took the job last spring, I remember him making comments about us being able to control the stress in our work. I have a hunch that didn't end up holding true for him.

And now, fear of his future replacement...

Bloatation

I prefer, "This is my dentist, McGillicuddy."

I wonder if it's possible to have a job that is enjoyable while at said job, but I wouldn't think about it/worry about it/stress about it at other times. If so, I hope I find this job someday. Work is weird. I'm feeling a combination of apathy (for the tasks I hate), longing (for the tasks that are no longer on my plate), freaked out (that the government might eliminate AmeriCorps funding because that's the main reason I have this job), and like I'm in way over my head - that I couldn't possibly move into any other position simply because I don't have the knowledge/experience. I think this is the most depressing part - because it didn't used to feel that way. When the place was smaller, there were so many opportunities. Oh well. It is what it is.

I quit "the gym" recently. I'd been going there for just over 7 years - but I hadn't been using it as regulary because it's not as convenient to my work or our house. Hard to justify the expense if I don't go. And so, I've joined a gym closer to home. I can bike there. Looking forward to it.

Can't wait for spring. It's just around the corner, I can feel it.

Met with our landscape designer tonight. A little overwhelming but exciting. Closing on our renovation loan tomorrow. Exciting but overwhelming for sure. We've got a decent amount of work to do before the insulating can begin. We're both looking forward to paying some contractors to do some things - though after meeting w/ the landscape designer, we're not sure if that's exactly how that part will work out. Hope so though.

If you own season 4 of Thirtysomething, you should probably send it to us. Lame ol' netflix only has a handful of the episodes on instant download & they don't have the discs... What's that about?!

And now, I'm off to watch some Paul & Jaime.

Exhaustion

I'm so glad this last week is behind me. Oh man. It just felt so crazy. I felt crazy. Partially due to hormones making me feel emotional and nuts & the rest was work and life and all the other stuff...

We finally got a car to replace D's old one. It was so insanely underpriced that I still feel nervous about it, even though we had a mechanic look over the whole thing. Ugh. Apparently hybrids drive differently than regular cars, so I shouldn't be wierded out. But I am. Glad to be done w/ the seller though - he was making me insane, literally. Our conversations about how to meet up, how to drop the car off for the inspection, how he would like us to pay for the car would go as follows: "Okay, so let's do ______. No, wait a minute. We should do ______. Or, let's do this _____...." On and on and on. Glad we're done with it.

What else? We've been working on getting a renovation loan for the last 3 months - estimates, contractors, paperwork. Last week, we had to get our house appraised and the guy had to come inside! D and I didn't realize it wasn't just a dry by appraisal... It was a frightening experience - as most of the interior is under construction (open walls, broken plaster, wiring, studs, dust, tools...) and we have no permits for any of it. But all is well - we just got approved for the loan yesterday. So, as soon as we close, we can get our house insulated (!!!) probably just in time for it to get warm. And, we'll have some landscaping done to keep the ground watere away from the house - grading the yard, putting in some rain barrels, two rain gardens, redoing our crumbling front steps & walkway.... Lots of good things. Our landscape designer is the cutest lady - I feel like I could just hang out with her forever. It's strange when that happens - you meet someone for the first time and feel like you've known them forever and could just spend insane amounts of time with them just chatting and hanging out because it's just that comfortable. Wierd. So anyway, I think she's swell.

Things at work have felt a little nuts for a while. I didn't initially think it felt so nuts until this past week, but looking back, things have been pretty nuts. Crazy busy insane nuts in the early fall and then disfunctional nuts for the last few months. Things sort of seem to be on the upswing, but you never can tell. It's the time of year where my supervisees have just been assigned to their permanent placements for the remaining 6 months. I normally look forward to this time of year - spending lots of time talking w/ them about how things are going, discussing personal goals, and then figuring out how to break them into effective teams. This year, I enjoyed the talking portion even though I was hearing lots of terrible feedback. But the making teams part was horribly painful. I tried every concievable setup... And I delayed the decision for 4 weeks because my supervisor was tied up and didn't have time to discuss and help me figure out how to deal with things. In the end, I waiting until the last possible time to make the teams because I still coudn't come up with a good solution - and now, a mere week into things, I think I may have made a horrific mistake.

I just finished reading the book BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell, which I enjoyed most of the time though it was a little drawn out, and I think I just had too much information to use. You know? I think I could've made a better decision if I'd just known a few things and went more with my intuition than had to deal with the overabundance of information. But anyway, it's done and now I must deal with the fallout. Fingers crossed that there won't be any.

And my good friend, farmer Katie, is moving away at the end of next week. I knew it would happen eventually - farmers work on farms, not in the middle of Baltimore... It's been really great to have a good friend within walking distance. But I look forward to hearing about the farming adventures and being able to visit more often than 1x a season because the farm's so close!

The night before last, I woke up at 3:30am to see D holding the bedside lamp in both hands while laying in bed. I asked him what he was doing with the lamp and he said some things that didn't register as words. When I told him he didn't know what he was doing and he should put the lamp down, I'm pretty sure he said, "I just like lamps." He returned it to the bedside table and continued sleeping. In the morning, he remembered the whole thing - which is unusual. He knew exactly what he was trying to tell me - it was about miles per gallon. (We'd just bought the car the night before.) And so it goes.

As we were getting ready for bed one night during my dad and brother's visit before Christmas, D said he couldn't wait to change his underwear because he'd been wearing half-bikini half-boxer briefs all day. I saw what he was talking about as he got changed for bed - one half of the boxer briefs looked completely normal and the other side was mostly torn off, leaving one of his butt cheeks hanging out. I guess that's what can happen when you're getting dressed in the dark and a rag ends up in your underwear drawer. You might need the visual to find the humor, but I can't offer you that. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

And now, a nap.

Fall Photo

doesn't that look lovely? one of our neighbors presented this to me last fall, as a thank you for sharing food from our garden. (i did share food throughout the growing season - but he gave this to me after helping himself to tomatoes that were ripening on our front porch that I hadn't intended to share. funny.) been meaning to post it, but too many other things going on...