NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 more days until I head back to work.  I can't believe it.  I feel panicked.  Anxious.  I really really really do not want to go.  The first 2 months adjusting to our family of 4 were rough.  The third month was a honeymoon of sorts.  I was getting a decent amount of sleep, being reasonably productive around the house, things felt balanced for the first time in a looong time.  Wow.  Balance.  It's been elusive since S was born.  And then it slowly crept back in.  Aaah.  And it was nice.  D and I both thought so and really appreciated the fact that I was home.  The last few weeks have been much more stressful than I would've liked - trying to get some things done in the kitchen before I go back and biting off more than I/we can chew.  And generally just freaking out about going back to work.  For a good stretch there, I thought I wouldn't really have to go back.  Almost 4 months off seemed like a lifetime.  Surely we'd figure out how to make it so I wouldn't have to go back if I didn't want to. 

In all honesty, we did not prepare for me to leave the workforce - just take a short break.  So, it is what it is.  I'm going back.  Someone else will be caring for both of our children in the meantime and that just sucks.  There have been so many times in the last few weeks/months that I've thought, "I can't get enough of them.  I could eat them up!"  One of the things I've appreciated most is being on better terms with S.  I'm not sure if it's age - he's growing up - or my being around more, but we get along much better.  He seems to have leveled out a bit.  Not so many tantrums.  And I think part of it is because I've been around all the time.  It's felt very comfortable for me.  I wouldn't doubt if he feels a bit more secure now too.  And I'm so sad to lose that!

As of next Tuesday, he'll be going to preschool (!).  I know.  School?  Well, anyway, it is what it is.  Once he adjusts to his new surroundings, I really think he'll love it!  The toys, the new friends, learning new things!  He'll have a blast.  Anna, on the other hand, is likely going to have a hell of a time adjusting.  We've been apart maybe 4 times in nearly 4 months, for 2-3 hours each time.  She doesn't like to take a bottle from anyone.  She wants to be snuggled ONLY by me when she's super tired/cranky/upset.  I know she'll be fine in the end, but she's going to be so distressed for the first several days and probably not eating well at all.  And that makes me feel like crap.  If only I could bring her to work with me!  Or - even better - I could just stay home!

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!