i'm monica... i'm disgusting...

so, i feel a little bit like i'm being eaten alive at my job. i actually cried a little bit at work yesterday (secretly - i didn't make a scene & no one saw me). i was just so damn frustrated with all this crap. on top of my regular work load, which is already increased because of recruitment season, i've got a bunch of other stupid crap for the merger integration. & of course we're encouraged to work as hard as we can - no acknowledgement that we have lives or are breaking our necks to stay on top of things. i have yet to catch up since jury duty. it's pretty sad.

today's integration news: m got the pink-slip. her last day is june 30. it's kinda funny because organizing the staff to pose layoff alternatives was her idea. we can all see where that ended up... seriously though, she went about it all wrong. open hostility, etc. but she was planning to leave the country at the end of june anyway because her boyfriend's contract ends & they both have work visa's so they can't stay. i'm mixed between sad (because she really did bring some great things to our work place, or try to) & relieved (she made a lot of things significantly more difficult & stressful because she often says things in a critical way to our executive director) so, i'm pretty mixed about it. i've been pretty pissed off with her lately because i knew she was planning to leave & yet she never let up with the hostility - always pushing her own agenda. that part of me is so relieved this crap with her is almost over... & yet i know she'll be missed.

it's been a long, crappy few days. at the end of the day today i decided to join a few of the office gals for dinner & drinks to rehash all the crap going on. i knew it was probably not the best idea before i went. what else are people going to talk about other than rehashing & gossiping about merger stuff?? nothing. but i went anyway, in the hopes of bonding with my co-workers who i actually rarely see & don't really work with, per se. it was kinda ok for a while. at some point we decided to move on to other random topics. netflix came up. well, you know, i've been checking out some random documentaries lately & i decided to share. (i think i just wanted to have something to say, as i don't really know these people well & sitting silently is lame after a while.) last weekend i watched The Business of Being Born, which was actually really interesting. a little freaky, but good. (all about our health care system & why childbirth is medicalized in our country.) but the other one was just plain bizarre & i wanted to share it for that reason only. to see their reactions. well, it was a little ackward. conversation immediately stopped & then we went on to something else. so i guess i'm the wierdo... but that's fine. seriously though, wouldn't you be intrigued by the title Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate? well, maybe you wouldn't. but i was, so i watched it. thank you, instant download. i think that's all i'm going to say about it - you'll have to check it out for yourself if you're intrigued. it's pretty wacky. there's no actual sex in it at all. but it was filmed in the '80s & the people are so awkward looking... yikes.

so, i give up on people from my work. i'm just gonna be me & that's that. i don't need to bond with coworkers. of course it would help, but i realize it's not going to happen. & i'll probably still watch wierd documentaries cuz regular movies put me to sleep. (& sometimes documentaries do too, schmelvetica.)