this sucks

Sunday night

When I was a kid, I was envious of my dad sometimes - because he got to mud & tape drywall and he also got to eat as much ice cream as he wanted everyday. Now that I'm grown, I'm not so interested in daily doses of ice cream, but I do enjoy finishing drywall. The sound of the knife against the pan reminds me of being a kid and I feel lucky that I get to do this in my own house.

Chicago

Room with a queen size bed all to myself
Wish the Danners could've come with me

French fries and a chocolate shake don't make the best dinner
Unfortunate
My tum is hungry

Wearing the big fluffy robe

Looking at the room service menu - ridiculous prices
Might just do it anyway
Gotta eat

The Next Frontier

And so, 8 people completed their service terms this week, 7 of them today. I thought this day would never come. I've been impatiently awaiting its arrival for a few months now. It's finally over. I don't think I picked the wrong people (except in one case). 99% of it was the organization and all of the challenges and struggles over the past year - they exacerbated any and all personality differences and brought on more incredible challenges. It was rough. I actually cried in the office of a coworker this past Tuesday, because she said "it's been a tough year". Apparently that's all I needed - it triggered the floodgates to open. Super suck. I don't even like her. And I certainly don't trust her.

So - it was a great way to start the week. I was expecting the worst, because I always cry when everyone leaves. Every year. Like clockwork. I should just tell them on day 1 that I will cry on their last day. But that's weird, so I don't. Even though they've put me through the ringer for the last 10-1/2 months, I love them. They inspire me, and bring life and energy to our work place and to the lives of so many. And really, it's not their fault that we don't have our shit together.

After they left, it was so quiet. This happens every year too. The life and energy are gone. But I was relieved. The drama finally ended.

The bright spot came when one of the big cheeses (the only one I like and trust) asked me what I thought about the year. And we talked. We had a lengthy, candid conversation about the struggles of my supervisees, some of my struggles and other things I see that he simply can't from his position. So, next on my task list is to compile the feedback from my supervisees and share it with the heads of the company. Including the stuff about them thinking the company president is a bufoon. I feel excited and empowered but nervous at the same time. Anyone who gets on the bufoon's bad side doesn't seem to last long and I don't want that to be me. If and when I leave, I'd really like it to be on my own terms.

It was also good to hear a candid view of the internal struggles of the organization. To know that people are considering whether it can be a machine and still achieve quality service to all recipients or not. I'm really voting for not, even if that means we have to have a smaller staff. Crappy service from a non-profit organization makes no sense. Why do it at all?

Anyway, wish me luck in figuring out what the hell I should say to a bunch of stiff suits I don't trust a lick and a 2 great people I like. Hope it turns out okay. I've never really had the opportunity to be the one that says something profound and I don't know that I'll say anything profound - but I do think that many things I have seen and heard are not known by the people at the top. I hope that it will help bring about some much needed change. Because it feels like we're headed for the toilet if we keep going in this direction. Can't take another year like this.

Dirt Farm

Some work's finally getting done around here by someone else - and that's pretty cool. Although I admit, I felt like a schmuch today, trapped inside the house while I watched 3 guys bust their butts tearing up our yard. It's weird to have other people working around here and not be working along side them. In the span of 2 days, our yard went from very green to very brown. It's almost completely dirt at the moment. A bit strange.

The neighbors seem very excited about the project. Are we putting in ponds? Installing a driveway? Did I bury Dan in the yard? I didn't realize rain gardens would require tearing up the entire yard. But, it's kinda nice to have a mostly blank slate to work with.

One of the workers reminded us both of a wrestler/porn star. Not sure if he ever held either position but he did admit to a previous career as a stunt man. Huh.

So, that's the excitement around the house these days.


Getting ready for a trip to STL in the middle of next week. It's been challenging to wrap my mind around going back this time. Some things are much closer to the surface than I'm used to/comfortable with and I can't seem to tuck them back in to their hiding spot. But that's the point, I suppose. I've noticed some small things that have changed, which is nice.

On the work front, another colleague got the axe on Friday. It was a long time coming, so it's good that it's finally over. I'm recruiting for the next crew, but a good part of me just isn't into it like I usually am. It's been a rough year for everyone at work, I think. I can't wait for this crew to be done. A few folks in particular are huge thorns in my side. Never expected that. I now know all too well that we recruit/hire our own problems. Yikes. Lesson learned, I hope.

Looking forward to yoga at the gym tomorrow, putting in some soaker hoses and the water timer, and yanking a lot of ivy. Hoping the crew isn't going to be back tearing shit up again in the morning. It was a rude awakening today when the wrestler/porn star started up the back hoe right outside our bedroom (dining room) window.

hungry
tired
dirty
nose feels crusty
with a little controlling and cranky mixed in


that's about the size of it

Tuesday Surprise

Since last Friday, 4 of my colleagues lost their jobs. This recurring theme is getting a little old. One of our interns did a count of 17 people come & gone since she started with us about a year ago. It's never been in our department though... until this time around. Three people gone, including my nemesis, and R, who is an incredible teacher and a very intelligent guy. The future is very hazy at this point. On one hand, I'm relieved for the changes that were long overdue. And I feel bad for everyone who just lots their jobs, because that sucks. My third hand is nervous as hell about what the future holds for me specifically. Will I be able to give up all the random, menial tasks to someone else? And if so, what does that mean I'm doing with my time? Something else entirely... Will I like it? Will I hate it? Will I be good at it? Will I end up joining the unemployed contingent in a few short months myself??

The last few months, I've been doing some work on myself - talking through some kinks in life. Trying on some new ways of thinking about things. Attempting to be compassionate with myself. It's been interesting, frustrating, annoying and sometimes sad. And, on occasion, it's enlightening. Over the last few years, I've told many people that I'm a much different person now than I was before moving to Baltimore. It seemed almost magical, the transformation. I moved away and the dark shroud slid off my shoulders and the world was new. I'm starting to understand it, little by little. What happened to that other person with all the negative thoughts and feelings? She's hiding inside somewhere and I'm trying to coax her out, to understand why she thinks what she thinks and hopefully to change some of those thoughts. Because I'm tired of being told that I'm probably doing it wrong anyway.