Check out those cheeks. I could eat 'em up!
It was a good day, again. I think I'm on a streak, which is nice and a little wierd. A few days ago I thought I was about to fall off the edge. Sadness, anger, frustration, boredom... they were closing in on me. Hadn't felt like myself for a few weeks. I expected something like this right after S was born, but not 2 months later. Huh. A bit of journaling, some time along with D, a night out and some good old fashioned exercise seemed to do the trick. Feeling much much better - like my real self.
Over the last many weeks, I've been making mental lists of all the "chores" I could be doing. You know, in addition to taking care of the baby. Most days I spend my time with S and trying to catch up on sleep or just laying around not doing much. It's so hard to push myself to do anything else. And then I feel like a big ol' loser for doing NOTHING all day. Even though I've been plenty busy with the baby and I haven't sleep through the night in months, but whatever. Today I got up and took S for a walk first thing, before it got too hot. It was a great way to start the day/week. Washed diapers. Moved the living room furniture around (I can't stand furniture to stay in the same place for too long - it's a wierd thing I have). Cleaned the hell outta the bathroom and damn, does it feel good. I've been staring at those ugly orange-stained grout lines for probably more than a year. Feeling pissed off about it. Nothing like putting in your own tile, taking the time to seal the grout like 4 times so that it doesn't stain (& showering at the gym during that time to let the sealant cure) and then the grout quickly turns orange. Aaagh! I couldn't take it. Thanks to some vinegar and a borax-baking soda paste, it's now clean! Didn't think it was possible without nasty chemicals - but it is! (I've also learned that if you want me to clean, you should force me to stay home every day for a long time. Eventually I'll get so sick of the dirt, I'll break down and clean it up. Otherwise, chances of me cleaning are slim.)
Been back to work on Thursdays and Fridays this month. It's going okay. I really enjoy giving exit interviews, which is what I'm spending most of my work time doing. LOVE IT! Seriously. It's a great way to get back into things. Reminds me how much I like that part of my job. I'm grateful that running this program is the bulk of my job. It's provided me with countless opportunities to improve my communication skills over the years. And that's been incredibly helpful because I didn't start off with many skills. I'm still super awkward and likely will be for the rest of my life. But that's okay. I claim the awkwardness. It's part of me.
Went back to the gym last week. Very exciting! I've been a pretty devoted gym-goer for the better part of the last 15 years or so. It really helps keep me sane. Went to a yoga class yesterday for the first time in probably 9 months. Wow, it sucked. And it rocked. My body feels trashed. I've got a lot of work to do just to get some flexibility back.
What else? This little baby's not so little anymore. He's pretty big in fact. Huge! He's larger than my colleague's 6-month old daughter. I'm a little sad that he didn't stay tiny long. I don't even remember him being tiny really. It didn't last long, less than 3 weeks. Part of me feels a little bit cheated. Maybe I would remember his first days/weeks better if I hadn't had a medicated labor?? Not that I think I could've survived labor without the medication - to ease the pain and bring down my blood pressure so I didn't die. But the after affects kinda sucked. I stayed in bed and slept as much as possible for days afterwards because of the headaches. Well, anyway, I suppose it's a waste of time to wonder if things would've been better after he was born if I hadn't had any pain meds. Cuz I can't go backward.
One of my mom's sisters died a few days ago. She cut off contact with everyone in the family about 20 years ago. My mom never knew why - she just knew her sister was angry. They spoke briefly 8 years ago when my Grandpa died and that was it. It's a shame that she's gone and amends were never made. I don't know that my mom will ever find out why.
Really enjoying having a kid so far. Sounds like we're very very lucky that he's been so laid back and easy. I'm certainly glad about that. He's a good natured little dude. And cute. And smiley. He doesn't always smell so hot - like sour milk. And damn if it doesn't collect in the folds of his neck. But I don't care. He hasn't surprised me with any poops or pees during diaper changes in a good long while, which is pretty great. I'm looking forward to having some folks we know babysit him in the near future. I was a little surprised that I didn't worry to much about what was going on at home when I went back to work. Kinda nice. Kinda strange.
Hoping to talk w/ my boss about returning to work 32 hours/week - which I believe is technically full time - going in to the office on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays and working from home the other 8 hours. I figure I can probably get 8 hours of work done over the other 4 days. But I probably can't occupy myself with my main project for 32 hours every week.... Wondering what I might be doing for the rest of the time. Makes me nervous. I think my boss would like me to do some stuff I have absolutely no interest in.
D, S and I are heading to Atlanta in early August. Hope it's a good trip. I have to go for work and decided to bring them along since I'm still nursing S but I can't take him to 3 days of training. D's aunt and uncle live in Atlanta and my older brother will be there for some military training while we're there. So, we might be able to catch up with family too and that would be pretty cool.
I miss having a fetus to call 'Le Tigre'. But I don't miss being pregnant. This whole experience has been pretty bizarre. Pregnancy = open season for anyone to tell you whatever they think about pregnancy, child birth, babies, etc. That was always strange. Definitely don't miss the touching. Now that he's out, people area always admiring S. Not sure if I like that less or more than all the pregnancy wierdness.
I have a huge zit on my shoulder blade. And now it's time to pump.
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