What's on my mind

The thing is, I don't know where to start.  My mind is so full of everything, there's no space left to allow for movement or breathe.

I took a lot of time off (from work) in December and early January.  Like 4 weeks, though not consecutive.  It was an awesome and much needed break.  And, it was a little terrible.  By the end of it, I was going so nutty being at home with Samuel - because there's no adult time or conversation, there's nothing else to focus on or work towards...  I couldn't take it.  To be fair, he was also recovering from a double ear infection and travel-related sleep disturbances (super whiny).  When I finally went back to work, I was so excited.  Relieved even.  Glad that I had this other part of my life - where I go and focus on things that aren't related to my home or toddlers.  I focus on things that are important to me outside of all the personal stuff.

And, I was SO relaxed when I went back to work.  Also, excited.  

Fast-forward 4 weeks and I've gotten completely lost. More lost than I've felt in a long time.  Like existential crisis lost.  "Why the hell do I have this job" lost.  Before we had a child, I lived work in a lot of ways.  It was a lot of what I talked about and thought about.  It consumed me.  I never felt like I had time to do all the things I wanted to do.  But I was engaged in my work and (most of the time) I enjoyed going to work.

Since having a child, I've struggled to feel like I have any kind of balance in my life.  I can't focus the way I used to, on work, or on anything else. It's constant ups and downs.  There's too much to do - with S, with our house, at work, making time for socializing, exercise, down time, cooking healthy food, flossing, trying to look decent, sleeping... It's a never ending list.  And what I hear from other parents is that it doesn't get easier.  Maintaining balance is a fantasy.  I'm not sure I can handle the lack of balance.  I am almost drowning most of the time.

The funny thing is that I've wanted the ability to focus more on one part of my job - the part I've most enjoyed - ever since I started.  That finally happened this year and I'm feeling really miserable about it.  I miss being involved in the other stuff.  I don't feel challenged by the "stuff I enjoy" most of the time.  That doesn't mean it's not occasionally challenging, stressful and occasionally rewarding.  It is.  But it doesn't feel right.  I think I've created a monster/built a job that doesn't fit me.  And I don't think I can go backward because what existed before is no longer.  And I have a really hard time having a job that I don't care about - working just for a paycheck, to keep my benefits.  The thought of it makes me ill.

I also thought we'd be tearing the hell out of our kitchen by now.  But that's just not happening - or not yet.  Turns out our budget is quite small for the size of our project.  So, we'll need to come up with some more economical ways to do things. This likely means more sweat equity on our part, which is not music to our ears.  I'm really tired of living in a half-complete house.  We've been here almost 4.5 years yet we've never "moved in".  We've never personalized the place at all.  I never thought I'd want to hire someone else to do everything, because I've been all about doing things myself/ourselves for ever.  But, dammit, if I could afford to pay other people to do it all, I would!  Lesson learned.  I am not my father.  :)

Wow, this is incredibly negative.  Odd that I feel so negative about so many things and still very much appreciate this life that I have.  I'm incredibly lucky.