Daddy's gotta take a shit!

Check out those cheeks.  I could eat 'em up!

It was a good day, again.  I think I'm on a streak, which is nice and a little wierd.  A few days ago I thought I was about to fall off the edge.  Sadness, anger, frustration, boredom... they were closing in on me.  Hadn't felt like myself for a few weeks.  I expected something like this right after S was born, but not 2 months later.  Huh.  A bit of journaling, some time along with D, a night out and some good old fashioned exercise seemed to do the trick.  Feeling much much better - like my real self. 

Over the last many weeks, I've been making mental lists of all the "chores" I could be doing.  You know, in addition to taking care of the baby.  Most days I spend my time with S and trying to catch up on sleep or just laying around not doing much.  It's so hard to push myself to do anything else.  And then I feel like a big ol' loser for doing NOTHING all day.  Even though I've been plenty busy with the baby and I haven't sleep through the night in months, but whatever.  Today I got up and took S for a walk first thing, before it got too hot.  It was a great way to start the day/week.  Washed diapers.  Moved the living room furniture around (I can't stand furniture to stay in the same place for too long - it's a wierd thing I have).  Cleaned the hell outta the bathroom and damn, does it feel good.  I've been staring at those ugly orange-stained grout lines for probably more than a year.  Feeling pissed off about it.  Nothing like putting in your own tile, taking the time to seal the grout like 4 times so that it doesn't stain (& showering at the gym during that time to let the sealant cure) and then the grout quickly turns orange.  Aaagh!  I couldn't take it.  Thanks to some vinegar and a borax-baking soda paste, it's now clean!  Didn't think it was possible without nasty chemicals - but it is!  (I've also learned that if you want me to clean, you should force me to stay home every day for a long time.  Eventually I'll get so sick of the dirt, I'll break down and clean it up.  Otherwise, chances of me cleaning are slim.)

Been back to work on Thursdays and Fridays this month.  It's going okay.  I really enjoy giving exit interviews, which is what I'm spending most of my work time doing.   LOVE IT!  Seriously.  It's a great way to get back into things.  Reminds me how much I like that part of my job.  I'm grateful that running this program is the bulk of my job.  It's provided me with countless opportunities to improve my communication skills over the years.  And that's been incredibly helpful because I didn't start off with many skills.  I'm still super awkward and likely will be for the rest of my life.  But that's okay.  I claim the awkwardness.  It's part of me. 

Went back to the gym last week.  Very exciting!  I've been a pretty devoted gym-goer for the better part of the last 15 years or so.  It really helps keep me sane.  Went to a yoga class yesterday for the first time in probably 9 months.  Wow, it sucked.  And it rocked.  My body feels trashed.  I've got a lot of work to do just to get some flexibility back. 

What else?  This little baby's not so little anymore.  He's pretty big in fact.  Huge!  He's larger than my colleague's 6-month old daughter.  I'm a little sad that he didn't stay tiny long.  I don't even remember him being tiny really.  It didn't last long, less than 3 weeks.  Part of me feels a little bit cheated.  Maybe I would remember his first days/weeks better if I hadn't had a medicated labor??  Not that I think I could've survived labor without the medication - to ease the pain and bring down my blood pressure so I didn't die.  But the after affects kinda sucked.  I stayed in bed and slept as much as possible for days afterwards because of the headaches.  Well, anyway, I suppose it's a waste of time to wonder if things would've been better after he was born if I hadn't had any pain meds.  Cuz I can't go backward.

One of my mom's sisters died a few days ago.  She cut off contact with everyone in the family about 20 years ago.  My mom never knew why - she just knew her sister was angry.  They spoke briefly 8 years ago when my Grandpa died and that was it.  It's a shame that she's gone and amends were never made.  I don't know that my mom will ever find out why.

Really enjoying having a kid so far.  Sounds like we're very very lucky that he's been so laid back and easy.  I'm certainly glad about that.  He's a good natured little dude.  And cute.  And smiley.  He doesn't always smell so hot - like sour milk.  And damn if it doesn't collect in the folds of his neck.  But I don't care.  He hasn't surprised me with any poops or pees during diaper changes in a good long while, which is pretty great.  I'm looking forward to having some folks we know babysit him in the near future.  I was a little surprised that I didn't worry to much about what was going on at home when I went back to work.  Kinda nice.  Kinda strange.

Hoping to talk w/ my boss about returning to work 32 hours/week - which I believe is technically full time - going in to the office on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays and working from home the other 8 hours.  I figure I can probably get 8 hours of work done over the other 4 days.  But I probably can't occupy myself with my main project for 32 hours every week....  Wondering what I might be doing for the rest of the time.  Makes me nervous.  I think my boss would like me to do some stuff I have absolutely no interest in.

D, S and I are heading to Atlanta in early August.  Hope it's a good trip.  I have to go for work and decided to bring them along since I'm still nursing S but I can't take him to 3 days of training.  D's aunt and uncle live in Atlanta and my older brother will be there for some military training while we're there.  So, we might be able to catch up with family too and that would be pretty cool.

I miss having a fetus to call 'Le Tigre'.  But I don't miss being pregnant.  This whole experience has been pretty bizarre.  Pregnancy = open season for anyone to tell you whatever they think about pregnancy, child birth, babies, etc.  That was always strange.  Definitely don't miss the touching.  Now that he's out, people area always admiring S.  Not sure if I like that less or more than all the pregnancy wierdness. 

I have a huge zit on my shoulder blade.  And now it's time to pump. 

Accomplishments

He's tough.  Don't you forget it!

Another week down and we're both still very happy about this little dude.  The smiling helps A LOT, for me anyway.  Anyhoo, onto the recent accomplishments:

• S has gained more than 5lbs in the last 6 weeks - he's just about 13lbs now.  Crazy!  (No wonder my shoulders are crying.)
• We've been cloth diapering for about a week now, I think, and it's going quite well.  I'm still a little bothered by the bulkiness of his butt - the proportions are all wrong - but it's not that big of a deal.  We've got a good process for dealing with poop & washing 'em up.  I thought it'd require a lot more effort but so far, not too bad. 
• I started pumping breast milk and it's going quite well.  I was pretty freaked out about it in the beginning, but again, not that big of a deal.  I definitely feel bad for cows though.  Pumping just once a day makes me sore.  I can't imagine how brutal it is to be pumped by some industrial machine.  Ugh.
•  6 week check up at the midwives and all looks good!  That's a relief just because - I mean, pushing out a baby is a lot of trauma to the innerds and undercarriage.  I pulled my stitches the first few days afterward and was nervous the whole time that things would heal poorly.  (And - I love the oldest midwife.  My god, she's good.  Her bedside manner is amazing.  She's able to ease my mind about everything under the sun that I might be worried about.  Pretty helpful seeing as I'm a worrier.  If only the other midwives could be that good.) 
• I've learned to keep a safe distance when changing S.  I was inspecting a bit of diaper rash the other day and wouldn't you know he decided to poop right then.  If you're familiar with breastfed infants, you know their poop is liquid.  And S is well known around these parts for pushing out poops during diaper changes.  Anyway, the geyser shot out right at my face and I just barely got out of the way in time.  Grateful the sleep deprivation hasn't affected my reflexes too badly.
• Finished a big fat book - The Story of Edgar Sawtelle.  Not that big a fan.  It wasn't totally believable and it didn't end the way I wanted, which was annoying.  
• Discovered that the black adhesive gunk on our kitchen floor is softened by water!  A much easier way to remove it than scraping off the dried crap.  Eventually it'll look a lot less shitty and that's just nice. 
• 11lbs to go before my "pizza-dough belly" is hopefully gone.  
• I went a few places and S didn't spend the entire ride screaming in the car.  Hooray!  He's still not over the car screaming but he's getting better.  I don't feel like I have to stay home anymore - driving seems do-able.  We even grocery shopped at Trader Joe's this evening.
• 9pm bedtime for big kids!  This only happened 1x this week, but it was awesome.  I plan to try and make it more of a regular thing.  
• S slept for 5 hours one night.  It was amazing.  Had I known he was going to do that I would've gone to bed at 7:30 with him.  Maybe next time, which I hope is soon.
•   My shoulder is feeling better!  I've been doing my exercises regularly too, except for today.  
• I made it to the farmer's market this morning!  It's been 7 long weeks since we've been.

Okay, enough of this.  Time for sleep.

1 month down!

And so, our little boy is already a month old.  Crazy.  The last 4 weeks are a bit of a blur.  I'm not quite sure how the days pass, but they do.  Quickly.   Before I know it, I'll be back at work.  Not quite sure what I think about that.  Part of me is bummed (cuz who wants to go to work?!) and another part is a bit excited to do SOMETHING.  Not that I'm not doing things - it's just the same 5 things over and over again.  Life is so different.  Not in a bad way at all.  It's a lot to get used to at one time. 

 My Mom was here for about 12 days, which was incredibly helpful - though you might not think so after viewing the above photo.  She was supposed to stick out her tongue too...  Silly Grandma.  In the middle of her visit, I was feeling ready to try the whole stay-at-home-mom thing by myself.  But that passed and I was really sad to see her go.  I was afraid I couldn't manage the day-to-day reality of being home by myself.  It's only been 3 days so far, but I think it's going okay. 

I admit, day 1 was rough.  Actually, the day my Mom left was rough because Samuel spent the entire day screaming and not sleeping... all because he didn't poop.  He must've been feeling terrible.  Poor guy. 

The first day by myself wasn't quite that bad but I admit I didn't have as much patience as I would've liked.  Seems to happen when I don't get enough sleep.  I'm trying to be more intentional about sleeping when he's sleeping and that's going better. 

Samuel - 5 days old and very skinny.

Samuel at 1 month.  Starting to get a bit chunky. 

D and I spent some time this evening filling out a few pages of Samuel's "Baby Journal".  It was actually pretty fun - in the same way that the required pre-marriage counseling was fun.  Seems like an odd statement and at the moment, I can't quite explain it.  

I started going to physical therapy again because my shoulder's gotten very angry hefting this baby.  Hoping it's helpful quickly cuz I can't just stop picking him up.  

Trying to figure out the whole pumping milk thing.  It freaks me out a bit but I'm sure it'll be fine.  The end.

Lazy Sunday

Nothing doing so far today.  Just hanging out.  Our little friend has begun to require more help getting to sleep, which is kinda sad.  But nice that the first week and a half or so were as easy as they were.  He seems to be all done having his legs bound up in the swaddle - which I can understand.  His legs have been squished up for months.  Now's the time to stretch out & enjoy the space, cuz there's plenty!

Went to the midwife earlier this week for a blood pressure check.  It was very normal, 119 over 60 something.  Pretty cool.  I admit I was really looking forward to the appointment because we don't have a scale at home and I wanted to weigh myself.  My body's been slowly returning to a more normal size.  Sure was nice to see I'd lost 34 lbs in one week though.  That was just what I needed!  It's been hard going from being very thin to not recognizing myself in the mirror and having a few of the midwives tell me I'm gaining too much weight, etc.  Who wants to hear that?  Especially when you're not in control of the weight gain.  I mean, I guess I could've eaten less fried chicken...  but the baby wanted it.

Things are still pretty quiet.  Farmer Katie's visiting tomorrow.  Very much looking forward to that.  Getting stir crazy staying home.  Visitors are great!!  Beej, Aimee and Abby stopped by yesterday, which was lovely.  Fun to hang out, chat and have a meal together.  When they left, I was a bit exhausted and ready for a nap.  Pretty perfect.

Part of me wishes this little baby would stay little cuz he's so cute and tiny.  But I know that's ridiculous.  I don't really want him to be an infant forever.  I look forward to all the adventures to come as he learns and grows.  He sure is cute though.

Been having lots of wack dreams - and remembering them, which is very unlike me.  Wondering if this is a post-pregnancy thing or if I just needed to slow my life down this much in order to remember my dreams.  Or, I might need to wake up every 2 hours or so to remember them.  Hardly seems worth it.  I've never had any dreams about babies though, that I can remember.  Not even during the pregnancy.  Seems odd.  But I did have a dream about being the "office hooker" and about a flash mob in the shape of a bus with lots of dandelion fluff in the air...   

Not a Squirrel

A few photos from the past week.  Things are pretty quiet around here.  Life continues at a dull roar, as the wise old midwife said.  Time is irrelevant, which is odd.  What we've got going on: feeding, diapering, swaddling & calming the crying of Mr. Samuel as needed.  Feeding ourselves, showering, sitz bathing (ugh), sleeping, chatting, internetting, washing lots of laundry (we must be bad diaperers as this boy has lots of leaky poops & pees).  That's about it.  I was having these monster headaches the first few days after we were home, which sucked & made any and all of this seem completely impossible.  I'm feeling better now though and hope this ridiculous weather gets it together so the headaches are no more - spring one day, summer the next...  Very much enjoying just hanging out with the Danners.  He lightens my mood and brings a lot of silliness to the everyday - threatening to throw the baby out the window, calling him an idiot (in the nicest way possible)....   Things that probably don't seem funny to those outside our house, but seriously, they are and they make me laugh which is really nice.  I'm exhausted, still.  Probably wouldn't feel so bad if I was only 25 or 30 instead of 35, but whatever.  Parenting before now would've been disasterous for me I think.  I wasn't ready to take this on until the ripe old age of 35.  And, I wouldn't trade the many years Dan and I have had alone together for anything.  It's been amazing.  He's my best buddy, my love.  I can't imagine life without him - which kinda makes sense since we've been together for most of the last 17 years.  That's a damn long time.  I'm glad for it though.  I've had time to learn a ton about myself and him and to grow up and make a life together.  Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.

I already find myself struggling with the slowness of things, even with the exhaustion.  My mind wants something to do.  It's hard to be away from work - they're purposely not communicating w/ me about stuff for a few weeks so that I can focus on baby & recovery.  It's nice, but I'm a bit bored at times.  I wonder if I'll always feel this way or if at some point I'll struggle to go back to work.  I think that's part of the reason I don't want to fully disengage from work - it'll be that much more difficult to get back into the swing of things if I'm really and truly gone for 3 months.  That's a damn long time.  I've always struggled to jump back into something when I've been away - even in grade school.  I hated going to school part way through the day if I'd been out for a doctor's appointment or something.  Hated it.  I feel the same now.  I want to be there from the beginning so I know what's up, I'm not lost, I don't have to ask a ton of questions to figure out what's going on...

But anyway...  I'm gonna try not to think about that stuff too much while I'm home.  

We're having baked potatoes for dinner.  Real ones.  Like, baked in the oven.  I've never made real baked potatoes before, which is kinda sad since I love 'em.  Growing up, we had microwaved baked potatoes.  Big family, busy schedules, quick meals.  I have always enjoyed the microwaved ones but during the pregnancy I got a bit hooked on actual baked potatoes, from Applebee's.  (Yes, I did eat there a good bit in the last many months.  Not something I would normally do - but I'm glad I found something I enjoy at the 'bee's cuz Dan's parents really enjoy eating there.  It'll be helpful in the long run.)  Anyhoo, the potatoes are done and I'm just waiting for D to wake up from his slumber.  We should probably be eating something else with them, but at the moment, I don't know what that is.  Baked potatoes are a difficult thing to build a vegetarian dinner around, so far.  Seems like we need meat....

 That's life on this end.

 

Punched in the mouth by a fetus

So here it is, Monday, April 23.  No baby.  D and I are both on vacation from work.  Running out of ways to occupy ourselves as the wait continues.  I was talking w/ a friend the other day and telling her how I've slept a lot better during most of this pregnancy than I normally do - I tend towards insomnia - and ever since I said that, I can't sleep at night.  Not sure if it's excitement, anticipation, anxiety...  Just can't sleep.  Although yesterday I did get up from a nap at 6:30pm - not a wise idea.  The midwife did say, "Sleep when you're tired.  You might go into labor at 2am.  Take naps when you need to."  No 2am labor here.

It's strange to wait around for extreme discomfort to settle in.  Can't say I've ever done that before.  Then again, I've never done any of this before. So there's that. 

Wondering if I'll still love oranges in the post-partum world.  I've always disliked them - mostly a texture thing.  Hairy, covered in white crap that I don't want to eat.  But I eat it all now and I like it.  A lot.  Then there's fried chicken.  I need/want it at least once a week, if not more.  Definitely not something I ate much of before in my mostly vegetarian diet.  I don't want it grilled or roasted or any other way - just fried.  It's GOOD.  Not all of it's good, mind you.  Some of it's really gross.  But the good stuff is good.  Even better when it's cold.  Delish! 

And I wonder how my diet affects the baby.  Will he/she have tastes for certain things I've consumed in mass quantity?  

Soooooooo........  I decided to get up early because I couldn't sleep, thinking a late morning nap would work better than a late afternoon nap.  And I was hungry.  And I was thinking about work.  It's been pretty difficult to unplug from work - to hand all my projects & my people over to others for 3 months.  This is the beginning of the busiest time of year - recruitment season.  My former supervisor is in charge of recruiting the incoming crew, which is very unsettling.  I think he'll do a great job.  I'm just nervous about not having had the time to establish relationships with folks before they arrive in September.  Alas, I'll just have to figure it out.  It'll add a little extra awkwardness to our orientation.

I'm a little worried that we're going to spend the next 2 weeks hanging out, waiting for this baby to arrive, and it won't happen.  D will have to go back to work and then baby will arrive.  Guess it's not the end of the world.  Aside from c-sections, I suppose birth is impossible to plan around.  And I don't want to be chopped open, if I can help it.

Somehow we've got everything we need for this baby.  I'm not sure how that worked out.  For most of this pregnancy, I was positive the baby would have to sleep in a drawer because it's room would still be our living room and the rest of the house would be completely torn up.  As luck would have it, the only room that's completely torn up (& not really even completely), is the kitchen.  It's kinda rustic looking w/ torn up plaster, loose chunks clinging to the lathe.  Open stud walls.  Peeling paint.  Wood flooring covered in blotches of old mastic.  It's a good lookin' room.

The rest of the place isn't too bad.  Got some rugs.  Got some furniture.  Painted the baby's room just last week.  Friends and family have been very generous, giving us all kinds of baby & kid things.  Did my first load of baby laundry the other day.  I've never felt so ridiculous attempting to fold laundry in my life.  It's just too damn small.  I can't believe people come in that size.  The too damn small size.  Mind boggling. 

Been enjoying all the hang out time w/ Big D.  I can't believe we're going to have a 3rd person around.  Really bizarre.  It's been just the 2 of us for a VERY long time.  We've been together for most of the last 17 years.  (Granted, we were silly kids for a good bit of that.)  But, we're both looking forward to it.  He'll be a great dad.  And, what's more adorable than a man with a baby?  In my book, not much. 

Just got home from a surprise baby shower/birthday party thrown by my AmeriCorps members. Wow. I was so surprised. My former supervisor attended along with a few AmeriCorps alums. Turns out Dan's a good liar.. The AmeriCorps members are an incredibly sweet and thoughtful group of people. Seriously. They're pretty great. I'm really not worried about things going smoothly while I'm away on maternity leave, which is a huge relief. If this had happened last year, I think I'd be having a panic attack. For real.

Good people. I'm feeling very loved/liked. I think it was just what I needed cuz I've been feeling tubby, whiney and a little bummed for a while now. Some house stuff is winding down while other stuff is winding up and trying to wrap my brain around preparing for a baby is incredibly overwhelming. I choo-choo-choose napping or laying around much of the time instead. I need to put my feet up right? Right...