Big D and I played hookie today. What a nice way to spend a day - without kiddo, catching up, shooting the breeze and doing a few necessary things together. Had my glucose test, had breakfast at Bob Evan's, shopped for some new appliances (we are currently without a functioning kitchen) and went to a movie. Pretty much a full day date! We didn't find appliances, which isn't the end of the world. But we talked, about all sorts of things - and many of them didn't involve S! Seems rare these days.
Still no name for baby #2, but we've still got some time to figure that out.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
Slacking off
I'm enjoying the lull between service terms at work. Most folks have been gone about a week. Sigh of relief! Immediately having a lot less going on has been awesome. And at the same time, I feel like there's almost no point in going to work. Transitioning from supporting/helping/putting out immediate fires to planning, etc is rough. This term was incredibly challenging for many people (including me), and in ways that are mostly just frustrating as hell, not productive. The challenges have escalated a bit and it may end up (I hope) with a staff member's departure. I honestly don't think things can be salvaged at this point. Working through all of that has been insanely stressful - lots of lost sleep, playing & replaying possible conversations with the big boss in my head, hearing a lot of the same negative feedback from many, many people... Ugh. July is an ugly month.
And now it's over!
New folks arrive in 3 weeks.
Other than that, planning to attend my big bro's wedding in mid-September. I'm not used to wedding attendance that requires this much planning. The event is in Cape Cod, at a country club with a strict dress code (no jeans, cargo shorts, men & boys must wear sport coats...). Should be interesting. We're sharing a big New England house with my parents (who are still separated), my siblings, spouses & kiddos. Hopefully that all goes well. We'll see!
Planning to tear the hell out of our kitchen, for real this time, this fall. Now that we've got a new window, we just need to finalize a cabinet plan & find affordable cabinets!
S's been pretty great the last week or so. Not so much pushing boundaries as he was, which has been nice. Pleasant, chatty as ever. Tonight at dinner, he asked D, "How was your day?" I don't think he really expected an answer - he was just repeating familiar dialogue. But it was cute & nice to hear. He's been going to the sitter 3-days a week probably since May (instead of 2-days/week). Today was the first time we've had a Monday together since April I guess. Other than getting blood drawn first thing this morning (which sucks for any 2-yr old, I'm sure), the rest of the day was pretty great. I did no work until this evening. And even then, it was a brief hour of work.
And now, to bed.
And now it's over!
New folks arrive in 3 weeks.
Other than that, planning to attend my big bro's wedding in mid-September. I'm not used to wedding attendance that requires this much planning. The event is in Cape Cod, at a country club with a strict dress code (no jeans, cargo shorts, men & boys must wear sport coats...). Should be interesting. We're sharing a big New England house with my parents (who are still separated), my siblings, spouses & kiddos. Hopefully that all goes well. We'll see!
Planning to tear the hell out of our kitchen, for real this time, this fall. Now that we've got a new window, we just need to finalize a cabinet plan & find affordable cabinets!
S's been pretty great the last week or so. Not so much pushing boundaries as he was, which has been nice. Pleasant, chatty as ever. Tonight at dinner, he asked D, "How was your day?" I don't think he really expected an answer - he was just repeating familiar dialogue. But it was cute & nice to hear. He's been going to the sitter 3-days a week probably since May (instead of 2-days/week). Today was the first time we've had a Monday together since April I guess. Other than getting blood drawn first thing this morning (which sucks for any 2-yr old, I'm sure), the rest of the day was pretty great. I did no work until this evening. And even then, it was a brief hour of work.
And now, to bed.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
What's on my mind
The thing is, I don't know where to start. My mind is so full of everything, there's no space left to allow for movement or breathe.
I took a lot of time off (from work) in December and early January. Like 4 weeks, though not consecutive. It was an awesome and much needed break. And, it was a little terrible. By the end of it, I was going so nutty being at home with Samuel - because there's no adult time or conversation, there's nothing else to focus on or work towards... I couldn't take it. To be fair, he was also recovering from a double ear infection and travel-related sleep disturbances (super whiny). When I finally went back to work, I was so excited. Relieved even. Glad that I had this other part of my life - where I go and focus on things that aren't related to my home or toddlers. I focus on things that are important to me outside of all the personal stuff.
And, I was SO relaxed when I went back to work. Also, excited.
Fast-forward 4 weeks and I've gotten completely lost. More lost than I've felt in a long time. Like existential crisis lost. "Why the hell do I have this job" lost. Before we had a child, I lived work in a lot of ways. It was a lot of what I talked about and thought about. It consumed me. I never felt like I had time to do all the things I wanted to do. But I was engaged in my work and (most of the time) I enjoyed going to work.
Since having a child, I've struggled to feel like I have any kind of balance in my life. I can't focus the way I used to, on work, or on anything else. It's constant ups and downs. There's too much to do - with S, with our house, at work, making time for socializing, exercise, down time, cooking healthy food, flossing, trying to look decent, sleeping... It's a never ending list. And what I hear from other parents is that it doesn't get easier. Maintaining balance is a fantasy. I'm not sure I can handle the lack of balance. I am almost drowning most of the time.
The funny thing is that I've wanted the ability to focus more on one part of my job - the part I've most enjoyed - ever since I started. That finally happened this year and I'm feeling really miserable about it. I miss being involved in the other stuff. I don't feel challenged by the "stuff I enjoy" most of the time. That doesn't mean it's not occasionally challenging, stressful and occasionally rewarding. It is. But it doesn't feel right. I think I've created a monster/built a job that doesn't fit me. And I don't think I can go backward because what existed before is no longer. And I have a really hard time having a job that I don't care about - working just for a paycheck, to keep my benefits. The thought of it makes me ill.
I also thought we'd be tearing the hell out of our kitchen by now. But that's just not happening - or not yet. Turns out our budget is quite small for the size of our project. So, we'll need to come up with some more economical ways to do things. This likely means more sweat equity on our part, which is not music to our ears. I'm really tired of living in a half-complete house. We've been here almost 4.5 years yet we've never "moved in". We've never personalized the place at all. I never thought I'd want to hire someone else to do everything, because I've been all about doing things myself/ourselves for ever. But, dammit, if I could afford to pay other people to do it all, I would! Lesson learned. I am not my father. :)
Wow, this is incredibly negative. Odd that I feel so negative about so many things and still very much appreciate this life that I have. I'm incredibly lucky.
I took a lot of time off (from work) in December and early January. Like 4 weeks, though not consecutive. It was an awesome and much needed break. And, it was a little terrible. By the end of it, I was going so nutty being at home with Samuel - because there's no adult time or conversation, there's nothing else to focus on or work towards... I couldn't take it. To be fair, he was also recovering from a double ear infection and travel-related sleep disturbances (super whiny). When I finally went back to work, I was so excited. Relieved even. Glad that I had this other part of my life - where I go and focus on things that aren't related to my home or toddlers. I focus on things that are important to me outside of all the personal stuff.
And, I was SO relaxed when I went back to work. Also, excited.
Fast-forward 4 weeks and I've gotten completely lost. More lost than I've felt in a long time. Like existential crisis lost. "Why the hell do I have this job" lost. Before we had a child, I lived work in a lot of ways. It was a lot of what I talked about and thought about. It consumed me. I never felt like I had time to do all the things I wanted to do. But I was engaged in my work and (most of the time) I enjoyed going to work.
Since having a child, I've struggled to feel like I have any kind of balance in my life. I can't focus the way I used to, on work, or on anything else. It's constant ups and downs. There's too much to do - with S, with our house, at work, making time for socializing, exercise, down time, cooking healthy food, flossing, trying to look decent, sleeping... It's a never ending list. And what I hear from other parents is that it doesn't get easier. Maintaining balance is a fantasy. I'm not sure I can handle the lack of balance. I am almost drowning most of the time.
The funny thing is that I've wanted the ability to focus more on one part of my job - the part I've most enjoyed - ever since I started. That finally happened this year and I'm feeling really miserable about it. I miss being involved in the other stuff. I don't feel challenged by the "stuff I enjoy" most of the time. That doesn't mean it's not occasionally challenging, stressful and occasionally rewarding. It is. But it doesn't feel right. I think I've created a monster/built a job that doesn't fit me. And I don't think I can go backward because what existed before is no longer. And I have a really hard time having a job that I don't care about - working just for a paycheck, to keep my benefits. The thought of it makes me ill.
I also thought we'd be tearing the hell out of our kitchen by now. But that's just not happening - or not yet. Turns out our budget is quite small for the size of our project. So, we'll need to come up with some more economical ways to do things. This likely means more sweat equity on our part, which is not music to our ears. I'm really tired of living in a half-complete house. We've been here almost 4.5 years yet we've never "moved in". We've never personalized the place at all. I never thought I'd want to hire someone else to do everything, because I've been all about doing things myself/ourselves for ever. But, dammit, if I could afford to pay other people to do it all, I would! Lesson learned. I am not my father. :)
Wow, this is incredibly negative. Odd that I feel so negative about so many things and still very much appreciate this life that I have. I'm incredibly lucky.
Monday, November 4, 2013
I need a new journal.
If we had a tv, I'd sure would've spent my last few evenings staring at it. Instead, I look at the interwebs, hoping to find something that can suck me in - at least for a little while. I feel like I can't do anything. The laundry is piling, piling, piling. And the dirty dishes, along with other chores. Maybe I'm grieving? But the news wasn't a shock. This turn of events has been in the works for as long as I can remember. I can't recall a time when this didn't seem like a good idea - the only solution. And so, the fact that it finally arrived is not shocking. But it's definitely surprising... that this thing that seemed to be the answer, that was talked about and thought about so often but never arrived has finally arrived.
I can't process it.
I don't know what life is like from this point forward. How do we spend time together now? Will all 6 of us never be together again? It's not the end of the world, but it's strange for sure.
It's funny. I think about it, and I start wondering how one or both of them are feeling or doing or whatever. And it makes me feel uncomfortable - because I don't know what to say or what to do. Because there's really not much I can do. It's not about me. (And that's nice, honestly.) But the uncomfortable feeling is one that I have to fight because it makes me want to ignore them. Not treat them like the fragile humans they are, with thoughts and feelings. I have to push those thoughts out and call anyway. We can't always be graceful. Hell, if you know me, you know I don't have a graceful bone in my body. I'm completely awkward. So, I might as well call and have the awkward conversation.
Going home for Christmas now seems way more complicated and stressful than it ever was before... even though this is the first time in 11 years that D has a full week off. Now home isn't really home. There will be even more places to go now that it's separate.
I can't process it.
I don't know what life is like from this point forward. How do we spend time together now? Will all 6 of us never be together again? It's not the end of the world, but it's strange for sure.
It's funny. I think about it, and I start wondering how one or both of them are feeling or doing or whatever. And it makes me feel uncomfortable - because I don't know what to say or what to do. Because there's really not much I can do. It's not about me. (And that's nice, honestly.) But the uncomfortable feeling is one that I have to fight because it makes me want to ignore them. Not treat them like the fragile humans they are, with thoughts and feelings. I have to push those thoughts out and call anyway. We can't always be graceful. Hell, if you know me, you know I don't have a graceful bone in my body. I'm completely awkward. So, I might as well call and have the awkward conversation.
Going home for Christmas now seems way more complicated and stressful than it ever was before... even though this is the first time in 11 years that D has a full week off. Now home isn't really home. There will be even more places to go now that it's separate.
Friday, October 4, 2013
It's been a while...
It's strangely warm here. I just finished priming some trim outside while listening to This American Life. I owe a lot of my productivity to that show. It makes painful chores a lot less painful. I don't find painting all that painful - just kind of boring when I'm by myself. I absolutely despise washing dishes - so much so that I have frequent thoughts of burning down our house when the kitchen is a disaster. Ira Glass makes it better.
I'm surprised that I was productive this evening, even with Ira. I am beat. Exhausted. Haven't gotten much sleep lately and I can only blame myself because Dan's been out late at rehearsal most nights. I've either been working late or goofing around and not getting to bed at a decent hour. Since I was off today, we went to the gym this morning and I spend 1 full hour exercising - running and then stretching. It was amazing. I forgot how great it makes me feel and how much more productive I can be.
I must not be very bright. When I'm busy or stressed or both, I forget all of the important things I need to do to maintain sanity and health. I don't take breaks, drink water, eat, exercise. I end up feeling miserable, partially because of whatever is stressing me out but all the stuff just makes it worse. It's honestly not that hard to remember.
Exercise. Eat good food. Drink water. Sleep. These are very very basic and yet I continue to stumble over them, over and over again. It's embarrassing to be 36 and not be able to get that part right. No wonder things feel so crazy sometimes.
Maybe I learned it this time around...?
I'm surprised that I was productive this evening, even with Ira. I am beat. Exhausted. Haven't gotten much sleep lately and I can only blame myself because Dan's been out late at rehearsal most nights. I've either been working late or goofing around and not getting to bed at a decent hour. Since I was off today, we went to the gym this morning and I spend 1 full hour exercising - running and then stretching. It was amazing. I forgot how great it makes me feel and how much more productive I can be.
I must not be very bright. When I'm busy or stressed or both, I forget all of the important things I need to do to maintain sanity and health. I don't take breaks, drink water, eat, exercise. I end up feeling miserable, partially because of whatever is stressing me out but all the stuff just makes it worse. It's honestly not that hard to remember.
Exercise. Eat good food. Drink water. Sleep. These are very very basic and yet I continue to stumble over them, over and over again. It's embarrassing to be 36 and not be able to get that part right. No wonder things feel so crazy sometimes.
Maybe I learned it this time around...?
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I found out today...
That my previous boss passed away yesterday. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in mid-May and had less than 3 weeks to live. Wow. I'd thought about him from time to time in the last 2+ years since he lost his job. He was a very nice man. Very different than my current boss. My current boss kicks ass at with brilliant ideas and he's incredibly knowledgeable. He's also "nice" but not someone I trust. He doesn't deal with stress and frustration well at all - screaming at people, throwing folks under the bus left and right. He can be pretty nasty. Though he's never blown up at me, he makes me feel like a kid again. I feel anxious and anticipate that he will lose it and completely blow up at me - and then I would totally lose it. It's no fun to feel like a ball of knots.
I had forgotten how much I liked my previous boss until I looked back at this old blog post I'd written the day I found out he lost his job. He was a pretty great guy. Not too good at the job, but a really great guy. Lots of integrity. Everything was really chaotic and stressful when I worked with him - which may or may not have had anything to do with him - I much preferred working with him than the current kick-ass time-bomb. I was sure I'd run into him somewhere, sometime... It just never happened and now I know it won't happen. And I feel sad about that.
I'm sure getting fired is shitty. But it's also shitty for the people who worked with them - because it's like they died. They're just gone. No explanation. And everything continues in their absence. Time continues to pass. Projects move forward. New people are hired. Other people move on.
But he didn't die. Until yesterday.
Life is strange.
I had forgotten how much I liked my previous boss until I looked back at this old blog post I'd written the day I found out he lost his job. He was a pretty great guy. Not too good at the job, but a really great guy. Lots of integrity. Everything was really chaotic and stressful when I worked with him - which may or may not have had anything to do with him - I much preferred working with him than the current kick-ass time-bomb. I was sure I'd run into him somewhere, sometime... It just never happened and now I know it won't happen. And I feel sad about that.
I'm sure getting fired is shitty. But it's also shitty for the people who worked with them - because it's like they died. They're just gone. No explanation. And everything continues in their absence. Time continues to pass. Projects move forward. New people are hired. Other people move on.
But he didn't die. Until yesterday.
Life is strange.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Missing gal pals
If you were here I'd probably tell you that Samuel's finally confident enough to walk across the room - so exciting! Work is exciting, frustrating and really busy these days. I think we're headed in the right direction but I have no idea when we'll actually get THERE. It seems like we never get THERE. I'm not sure who's actually steering this ship. I'd probably tell you a lot more about it and it might get really really boring. So maybe it's good that you're not here. :)
Life feels a little exciting in general. Probably due to the unknown - or what I consider the unknown - about Dan's job situation at the end of summer. Sure, it makes me anxious and nervous. But there's not much to do about that at the moment. Hopefully I won't use the entirety of his 10 weeks off to work myself into the ground. Would be nice to enjoy a bit more time together, some family time, and maybe get some things accomplished around the house. Aaah. The never-ending list of to-do's. (Yeah, I know that doesn't get an apostrophe but it looks stupid without it...)
We/I joined a babysitting coop recently. Sat for 2 other kids, a baby and our kid last Sunday for a few hours. It was a bit hairy but not too bad. Looking forward to having other folks hang out with our kid so we can accomplish something around here. (For $0!) That probably won't go very well because our kid spends so much time with us. He tends to freak out when he's in a new environment without one of us. Good example - day care at the gym. Let's hope that gets better real soon!
A good buddy who I thought completely fell off the face of the earth suddenly reappeared the other day. I couldn't believe it. Might be seeing her this Friday. Trying not to get my hopes up too much as it might not pan out.
I've been thinking so much about work lately that I'm having a good deal of trouble sleeping. Never fun. It's not that I'm worrying about work - I'm a little anxious about all the things I need to do and would like to do. And I'm excited to have the freedom to do them. Just not sure I can get it all done and I don't quite have a handle on prioritizing these things because there are just so many and of course I have limited/almost no supervision. Some people might kill for no supervision but I need it, at least every once in a while.
It's raining a lot these days. The garden's looking good but the plants seem somewhat stunted compared to other gardens... Wonder why. Whatever - as long as the veggie plants don't fail, it's fine.
Life feels a little exciting in general. Probably due to the unknown - or what I consider the unknown - about Dan's job situation at the end of summer. Sure, it makes me anxious and nervous. But there's not much to do about that at the moment. Hopefully I won't use the entirety of his 10 weeks off to work myself into the ground. Would be nice to enjoy a bit more time together, some family time, and maybe get some things accomplished around the house. Aaah. The never-ending list of to-do's. (Yeah, I know that doesn't get an apostrophe but it looks stupid without it...)
We/I joined a babysitting coop recently. Sat for 2 other kids, a baby and our kid last Sunday for a few hours. It was a bit hairy but not too bad. Looking forward to having other folks hang out with our kid so we can accomplish something around here. (For $0!) That probably won't go very well because our kid spends so much time with us. He tends to freak out when he's in a new environment without one of us. Good example - day care at the gym. Let's hope that gets better real soon!
A good buddy who I thought completely fell off the face of the earth suddenly reappeared the other day. I couldn't believe it. Might be seeing her this Friday. Trying not to get my hopes up too much as it might not pan out.
I've been thinking so much about work lately that I'm having a good deal of trouble sleeping. Never fun. It's not that I'm worrying about work - I'm a little anxious about all the things I need to do and would like to do. And I'm excited to have the freedom to do them. Just not sure I can get it all done and I don't quite have a handle on prioritizing these things because there are just so many and of course I have limited/almost no supervision. Some people might kill for no supervision but I need it, at least every once in a while.
It's raining a lot these days. The garden's looking good but the plants seem somewhat stunted compared to other gardens... Wonder why. Whatever - as long as the veggie plants don't fail, it's fine.
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