Sleep

You know when you're in the depths of exhaustion and all you want to do is sleep, and you can't?  That's me right now.  This baby is now 7 and a half months and still wakes 2-3x night.  Big brother's in a similar spot.  I haven't sleep more than 2 hours in a row in I don't know how long.  Tonight, Dan offered to let me sleep in the spare room.  So I went to bed at 9.  I was still lying awake at 11:30, no sleep in sight.  Figuring it had to do with being in a weird room, I went back to my room, only to wake the baby and cause a big fuss.  And then continue to lay with the 2 of them not sleeping.

I'm so, so tired.

I made the stupid mistake of reading a work email before bed.  I'm worrying about my stupid job, which I am very unhappy with at the moment.  It's making me insane.  I'm sharing this nonsense here in hopes of getting at least a little sleep before this night is over.

2 weeks into my maternity leave, in early March, I was informed that the program I manage was not going to be funded after the current term ended.  We received funding to host it, but were having financial issues on our end and couldn't fund the remaining portion.  And, we'd been having a lot of challenges with the program so all in all, I think it was a good decision to take a step back and re-evaluate.  But of course at the time I freaked out that I was losing my job.  It coincided with layoffs and I was told that my position had been eliminated.  Our CEO planned to host the program again in 1 years time and wondered if I could take an extended leave, coming back to work when we host again.  My post partum brain was panicking and I really wasn't sure what would be best so I said I really needed to keep my benefits and if I was not able to keep a position, I would have to seek work elsewhere.  So, they decided to keep me because one of our high level staff members "really values me".  Anyway...

Fast forward 7 months.  My program ended about 6 weeks ago.  I had a few weeks where I didn't have much of anything to do.  And what I was given to do was so pointless, I didn't do it because I didn't want to.  I have no direct supervisor and no position.  My schedule requires me to be in the office 3 days per week and then work from home at least 6 hours each week.  Meeting my hourly obligation became a real challenge. 

Our CEO assigned me a proposal to write for a program I knew little about.  Seemed interesting but I didn't quite understand what I needed to write - what the format should be, what information to include.  I drug my feet a bit.  I provided him with a very rough draft.  I met with a former colleague who had some experience related to the program I was to draft and I was able to do a little more writing.  At approximately the same time, I received 2 other drafting projects from another high level staff member who "really values me".  The first project was a quick turn around.  The second project was much larger, came with no constraints and little information on what was needed, and no deadline.  Shortly thereafter, my son was injured and I missed some work to care for him.

I'm laying here listening to the baby cry and kicking myself for waking here up earlier.

Anyway, I was then told by the staff member who "really values me" that I was not to work on anything else until I completed the drafting project for him, though he still did not provide any details.  So - I spent many hours and days working on this project - came up with different floor plans, etc - only to be told I was to stick with the original plan he'd provided.  I scrapped those and went with what he originally asked for though it didn't fit with the space provided.  He didn't give any additional feedback so I continued to work and came up with some better options.  He selected a version (most like what he'd originally asked for) and I continued to finish the set of plans. 

Anticipating the end of the drafting project and being able to wrap up the other proposal, I spoke with my former supervisor about creating a real position for myself.  I told him what I was interested in, we talked about what some options might be and he said I should speak with our CEO first.  So, I scheduled a meeting with our CEO and my former supervisor for early the following week.

The day before I completed the set of plans, the other staff member decided to scrap nearly every constraint he'd provided.  "Why don't we move this here?  Why don't we try this?  Why...????"  I'd already tried those things.  In fact, that's where I started my process, because it made a lot more sense than what he'd asked.  So much frustration and wasted time!!!!  And then he told me this set of plans was "just to get past permitting", that we would actually decide what we were going to build in the field.  We could amend the plans later.  What?  What?!?!?

How is that helpful to anyone?  How is anyone else supposed to do their job? 

Rage.  Blind rage.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I spent ALL THIS TIME working on something that didn't need to be precise because it didn't matter... because it wasn't actually going to be used. 

I finished the set of drawings, which took 1/2 day longer than I'd anticipated.  I spent the little time I had left working on the proposal.  Sent it off to another high up staff member for feedback only to find out that it is (of course) needed ASAP. 

I want to do a good job on this thing, because I don't like doing shitty work.  And, I'm in this position at the moment where I feel I need to prove I'm useful - because I kinda need to prove I'm useful.  And, I've got this meeting with our CEO scheduled for early this week to talk about my future...  but I can't finish the proposal because I.CAN'T.SLEEP.

And if I can't sleep, I can't think.  My brain literally doesn't work.  So here I am freaking out and unable to sleep...

If I don't turn in this proposal by Monday, I have no leg to stand on at my meeting with our CEO.

And, I hate that our baby is crying.  I just want to snuggle her up. 

Even more than that, I just want to S.L.E.E.P.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 more days until I head back to work.  I can't believe it.  I feel panicked.  Anxious.  I really really really do not want to go.  The first 2 months adjusting to our family of 4 were rough.  The third month was a honeymoon of sorts.  I was getting a decent amount of sleep, being reasonably productive around the house, things felt balanced for the first time in a looong time.  Wow.  Balance.  It's been elusive since S was born.  And then it slowly crept back in.  Aaah.  And it was nice.  D and I both thought so and really appreciated the fact that I was home.  The last few weeks have been much more stressful than I would've liked - trying to get some things done in the kitchen before I go back and biting off more than I/we can chew.  And generally just freaking out about going back to work.  For a good stretch there, I thought I wouldn't really have to go back.  Almost 4 months off seemed like a lifetime.  Surely we'd figure out how to make it so I wouldn't have to go back if I didn't want to. 

In all honesty, we did not prepare for me to leave the workforce - just take a short break.  So, it is what it is.  I'm going back.  Someone else will be caring for both of our children in the meantime and that just sucks.  There have been so many times in the last few weeks/months that I've thought, "I can't get enough of them.  I could eat them up!"  One of the things I've appreciated most is being on better terms with S.  I'm not sure if it's age - he's growing up - or my being around more, but we get along much better.  He seems to have leveled out a bit.  Not so many tantrums.  And I think part of it is because I've been around all the time.  It's felt very comfortable for me.  I wouldn't doubt if he feels a bit more secure now too.  And I'm so sad to lose that!

As of next Tuesday, he'll be going to preschool (!).  I know.  School?  Well, anyway, it is what it is.  Once he adjusts to his new surroundings, I really think he'll love it!  The toys, the new friends, learning new things!  He'll have a blast.  Anna, on the other hand, is likely going to have a hell of a time adjusting.  We've been apart maybe 4 times in nearly 4 months, for 2-3 hours each time.  She doesn't like to take a bottle from anyone.  She wants to be snuggled ONLY by me when she's super tired/cranky/upset.  I know she'll be fine in the end, but she's going to be so distressed for the first several days and probably not eating well at all.  And that makes me feel like crap.  If only I could bring her to work with me!  Or - even better - I could just stay home!

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ding Day!

Big D and I played hookie today.  What a nice way to spend a day - without kiddo, catching up, shooting the breeze and doing a few necessary things together.  Had my glucose test, had breakfast at Bob Evan's, shopped for some new appliances (we are currently without a functioning kitchen) and went to a movie.  Pretty much a full day date!  We didn't find appliances, which isn't the end of the world.  But we talked, about all sorts of things - and many of them didn't involve S!  Seems rare these days. 

Still no name for baby #2, but we've still got some time to figure that out.

Slacking off

I'm enjoying the lull between service terms at work.  Most folks have been gone about a week.  Sigh of relief!  Immediately having a lot less going on has been awesome.  And at the same time, I feel like there's almost no point in going to work.  Transitioning from supporting/helping/putting out immediate fires to planning, etc is rough.  This term was incredibly challenging for many people (including me), and in ways that are mostly just frustrating as hell, not productive.  The challenges have escalated a bit and it may end up (I hope) with a staff member's departure.  I honestly don't think things can be salvaged at this point.  Working through all of that has been insanely stressful - lots of lost sleep, playing & replaying possible conversations with the big boss in my head, hearing a lot of the same negative feedback from many, many people... Ugh.  July is an ugly month.

And now it's over!

New folks arrive in 3 weeks. 

Other than that, planning to attend my big bro's wedding in mid-September.  I'm not used to wedding attendance that requires this much planning.  The event is in Cape Cod, at a country club with a strict dress code (no jeans, cargo shorts, men & boys must wear sport coats...).  Should be interesting.  We're sharing a big New England house with my parents (who are still separated), my siblings, spouses & kiddos.  Hopefully that all goes well.  We'll see! 

Planning to tear the hell out of our kitchen, for real this time, this fall.  Now that we've got a new window, we just need to finalize a cabinet plan & find affordable cabinets! 

S's been pretty great the last week or so.  Not so much pushing boundaries as he was, which has been nice.  Pleasant, chatty as ever.  Tonight at dinner, he asked D, "How was your day?"  I don't think he really expected an answer - he was just repeating familiar dialogue.  But it was cute & nice to hear.  He's been going to the sitter 3-days a week probably since May (instead of 2-days/week).  Today was the first time we've had a Monday together since April I guess.  Other than getting blood drawn first thing this morning (which sucks for any 2-yr old, I'm sure), the rest of the day was pretty great.  I did no work until this evening.  And even then, it was a brief hour of work. 

And now, to bed. 

What's on my mind

The thing is, I don't know where to start.  My mind is so full of everything, there's no space left to allow for movement or breathe.

I took a lot of time off (from work) in December and early January.  Like 4 weeks, though not consecutive.  It was an awesome and much needed break.  And, it was a little terrible.  By the end of it, I was going so nutty being at home with Samuel - because there's no adult time or conversation, there's nothing else to focus on or work towards...  I couldn't take it.  To be fair, he was also recovering from a double ear infection and travel-related sleep disturbances (super whiny).  When I finally went back to work, I was so excited.  Relieved even.  Glad that I had this other part of my life - where I go and focus on things that aren't related to my home or toddlers.  I focus on things that are important to me outside of all the personal stuff.

And, I was SO relaxed when I went back to work.  Also, excited.  

Fast-forward 4 weeks and I've gotten completely lost. More lost than I've felt in a long time.  Like existential crisis lost.  "Why the hell do I have this job" lost.  Before we had a child, I lived work in a lot of ways.  It was a lot of what I talked about and thought about.  It consumed me.  I never felt like I had time to do all the things I wanted to do.  But I was engaged in my work and (most of the time) I enjoyed going to work.

Since having a child, I've struggled to feel like I have any kind of balance in my life.  I can't focus the way I used to, on work, or on anything else. It's constant ups and downs.  There's too much to do - with S, with our house, at work, making time for socializing, exercise, down time, cooking healthy food, flossing, trying to look decent, sleeping... It's a never ending list.  And what I hear from other parents is that it doesn't get easier.  Maintaining balance is a fantasy.  I'm not sure I can handle the lack of balance.  I am almost drowning most of the time.

The funny thing is that I've wanted the ability to focus more on one part of my job - the part I've most enjoyed - ever since I started.  That finally happened this year and I'm feeling really miserable about it.  I miss being involved in the other stuff.  I don't feel challenged by the "stuff I enjoy" most of the time.  That doesn't mean it's not occasionally challenging, stressful and occasionally rewarding.  It is.  But it doesn't feel right.  I think I've created a monster/built a job that doesn't fit me.  And I don't think I can go backward because what existed before is no longer.  And I have a really hard time having a job that I don't care about - working just for a paycheck, to keep my benefits.  The thought of it makes me ill.

I also thought we'd be tearing the hell out of our kitchen by now.  But that's just not happening - or not yet.  Turns out our budget is quite small for the size of our project.  So, we'll need to come up with some more economical ways to do things. This likely means more sweat equity on our part, which is not music to our ears.  I'm really tired of living in a half-complete house.  We've been here almost 4.5 years yet we've never "moved in".  We've never personalized the place at all.  I never thought I'd want to hire someone else to do everything, because I've been all about doing things myself/ourselves for ever.  But, dammit, if I could afford to pay other people to do it all, I would!  Lesson learned.  I am not my father.  :)

Wow, this is incredibly negative.  Odd that I feel so negative about so many things and still very much appreciate this life that I have.  I'm incredibly lucky.



 

I need a new journal.

If we had a tv, I'd sure would've spent my last few evenings staring at it.  Instead, I look at the interwebs, hoping to find something that can suck me in - at least for a little while.  I feel like I can't do anything.  The laundry is piling, piling, piling.  And the dirty dishes, along with other chores.  Maybe I'm grieving?  But the news wasn't a shock.  This turn of events has been in the works for as long as I can remember.  I can't recall a time when this didn't seem like a good idea - the only solution.  And so, the fact that it finally arrived is not shocking.  But it's definitely surprising...  that this thing that seemed to be the answer, that was talked about and thought about so often but never arrived has finally arrived.

I can't process it.

I don't know what life is like from this point forward.  How do we spend time together now?  Will all 6 of us never be together again?  It's not the end of the world, but it's strange for sure. 

It's funny.  I think about it, and I start wondering how one or both of them are feeling or doing or whatever.  And it makes me feel uncomfortable - because I don't know what to say or what to do.  Because there's really not much I can do.  It's not about me.  (And that's nice, honestly.)  But the uncomfortable feeling is one that I have to fight because it makes me want to ignore them.  Not treat them like the fragile humans they are, with thoughts and feelings.  I have to push those thoughts out and call anyway.  We can't always be graceful.  Hell, if you know me, you know I don't have a graceful bone in my body.  I'm completely awkward. So, I might as well call and have the awkward conversation. 

Going home for Christmas now seems way more complicated and stressful than it ever was before... even though this is the first time in 11 years that D has a full week off.  Now home isn't really home.  There will be even more places to go now that it's separate.

It's been a while...

It's strangely warm here.  I just finished priming some trim outside while listening to This American Life.  I owe a lot of my productivity to that show.  It makes painful chores a lot less painful.  I don't find painting all that painful - just kind of boring when I'm by myself.  I absolutely despise washing dishes - so much so that I have frequent thoughts of burning down our house when the kitchen is a disaster.  Ira Glass makes it better.

I'm surprised that I was productive this evening, even with Ira.  I am beat.  Exhausted.  Haven't gotten much sleep lately and I can only blame myself because Dan's been out late at rehearsal most nights.  I've either been working late or goofing around and not getting to bed at a decent hour.  Since I was off today, we went to the gym this morning and I spend 1 full hour exercising - running and then stretching.  It was amazing.  I forgot how great it makes me feel and how much more productive I can be.

I must not be very bright.  When I'm busy or stressed or both, I forget all of the important things I need to do to maintain sanity and health.  I don't take breaks, drink water, eat, exercise.  I end up feeling miserable, partially because of whatever is stressing me out but all the stuff just makes it worse.  It's honestly not that hard to remember.

Exercise.  Eat good food.  Drink water.  Sleep.  These are very very basic and yet I continue to stumble over them, over and over again.  It's embarrassing to be 36 and not be able to get that part right.  No wonder things feel so crazy sometimes.

Maybe I learned it this time around...?