writing is hard

is it sad that i want to take a writing class? well, maybe. but maybe not. i mean, it's been almost 9 years since i wrote anything. turns out i miss being able to easily compose an intelligent essay. so i'm working on this grant - i use the word "working" very loosely. i spend most of my time reading through it & reading other materials about it & then procrastinating... :) that's me. eternal procrastinator. especially when it's something i'm excited about. it's
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so i wrote that several days ago... it's now friday. thought i'd get around to finishing it but that didn't happen. been working too many long days - cuz o this damn grant. it's kicking my ass. i finally started writing something. or, reorganizing all the info from previous grants & updating stuff & trying to put together a logical, concise essay. the one written last year is so damn rambly & awful. not sure if it's going ok at this point. but i'm DOING something & that's a step in the right direction.

looks like i'm gonna have a lot of comp time racked up by the time this is done. was thinking maybe we could skip town for a bit but D's schedule is pretty busy for a while yet w/ set & lights for the next show. lame.

i just got back from a nice walk w/ E & L (my old boss & his wife - & their kid, but he fell asleep, so it was almost like he wasn't really there). it's damn cold outside but i have to say, i really enjoy walking, even in the cold. i've worn 2 pairs of long johns every day this week, along w/ my regular pants (otherwise i probably would've been sent home for improper dress).

dan's buggin me to finish this & hang out w/ him. more later.

same old

what a f**king week.

sometimes i wish we were amish. sure, every day life would be a lot more difficult (physically demanding, time consuming tasks...) but at the same time, certain things would be a lot easier. (i guess the jebus thing would be a hang up for me too.)

the dwindling group of friends here in balto has really been getting to me this week. & the lack of challenge at my job is getting to me too. things are piling up & becoming frustrating. i feel ready to leave this place & have a new adventure somewhere else. but that just tells you how spoiled i've become w/ the whole job thing - i haven't had a solid job for ...hm.... almost 3 years, i think. apparently i'm a big baby.

thoughts about this past week:

• got a jury summons... better find a good book.
• read a lame book. the story of the guy from the movie Shine.
• skipped the 2nd meeting of the book club i was "trying". i need to make & take opportunities to be more social but i had a strong feeling it would suck.
• wish i could magically be gregarious instead of whatever the hell this is.
  
• fell down in the warehouse at work yesterday & realized i really don't bounce anymore.
  
• went for walks with my old boss, twice. his wife & kid are out of town & he's needing folks to hang with, just like me.
• watching reruns of the cosby show is GREAT.
  
• got some crappy news from a good college friend who's being forced to deal with her own mortality & that's shitty & wrong.... especially at 32.
• i feel very lucky to have dan in my life.
  

no thank you

just got back from a nice long winter walk by myself. would've enjoyed my boyfriend's company but he was at work - because i need money. at least, that's what he says. (of course, he's just teasing me. it's part of our routine...)

i really like walking in our neighborhood. there's such variety in building types & styles... as i was walking, i realized there are quite a few different places of worship in charles village. we've got all flavors of christian churches: catholic, episcopal, baptist, methodist, lutheran, & christian science, along with a masonic temple & a quaker meeting house. i'm so appreciative of my neighborhood & all of the different places i get to pass by every day. i've even checked out a few of them. the catholic church when the inlaws were in town once - they don't know i'm a heathen yet. i went to the episcopal church once w/ my friend katie - just to check it out. for the past few years i've really wanted to have a stronger spiritual connection of some sort, so i decided to give the episcopalians a whirl. one thing i like about catholic church is, generally, there are a lot of people present & it's not difficult to feel anonymous, which i enjoy. anyway, so the episcopal service i went to was in a cute basement chapel. it was pretty small & there were less than 20 people present. anyway, i was mostly comfortable until everyone got up & formed a circle on the altar. (i didn't realize this was communion time... ) so the priest blesses the hosts & wine & walks around the circle to each person, passing out communion. the fact that i don't take communion because i don't believe in jesus christ is something i feel strongly about, even if it makes me feel awkward. so, the priest gets to me (mind you it's so silent you could hear a pin drop) & i loudly whisper "no thank you." i think i actually had to say it twice because he didn't hear me the first time. anyway, he stopped & said a special blessing over me - probably so i don't go to hell - & continued around the circle. not sure i've ever felt quite so awkward. i was thinking about checking out the quaker meeting house on my walk & then i remembered the episcopalians...

i gotsta get myself in bed. it's getting late & i have a crappy cold that requires lots of rest.

too short & too long

our whirlwind holiday trip came to a close upon our safe arrival in Balto yesterday afternoon. (we deplaned on to the tarmac & everything. did we step into a '60s movie? nope...) our visit was good - chock full of family gatherings, with a few friends sprinkled in here & there. actually, it was pretty exhausting. in my old age, i don't even sleep well in my old bedroom - just because it's not "home" - or because i suck. i slept the entire 2 hour flight back to balto & duration of the 45 minute train ride to the city. D ended up having to rush off to work as soon as we got in the door & i sat down to continue reading this fabulous book new book Eat, Pray, Love, (thanks, Marmy!). at some point, the growing weight of my eyelids took over, so i surrendered to a 15 minute disco nap. i woke up 2 hours later (in the same chair). sooo... my life is very very exciting.

earlier this week i asked my mom what i was like as a baby... dan & my friend katie previously shared the sentiment that they're just trying to get back to the way they were at age 11 or 12 - because that person is who they are in the fullest expression of themselves. i don't remember ever feeling that way. but i think parts of our personality probably always existed. maybe we're destined to have a particular disposition. my mom characterized me as careful, serious & quiet - an observer. she had to be careful what she said because i took everything literally. as far as i can remember, i have always been this way. i wonder if i was predisposed to be this version of me or if i learned it as a coping mechanism... hm. i'll never know. (although i don't really think of myself as serious. most people might see me that way though - unless they know me really well. i'm pretty silly.)

dan's mom said he was always very laid back & still is.... lucky bastard!

i finally got some holiday cards in the mail right before we left town. what a relief! i still have another 4 days off work & i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. katie may be coming down for a visit over new years. we shall see.

i close w/ photos of BABIES!

my little brother & my niece in their jammies, home sick the day after christmas. they may be sick, but they're still cute!

grandpa o'b & the newest member of dan's family, elizabeth. (she was sick too - but still very cute.)

my buddy, mama grass & little baby grass. not sick & very cute, although blurry. (those babies, they're wiggly worms.) during our visit, dan was sharing with him some sweet sweet dance moves.

mung-speriment

a few weeks ago, i was whining that 2 years in this job seems like forever. we're thinking about relocating sometime soon & i'm getting itchy. honestly though, there's so much going on during my work day - a wide variety & abundance of tasks - that i don't really notice the hours flying by. often times at the end of the day, i find myself wondering what the hell i've been doing for the last 8 hours. it was such a whirlwind of activity, i can't quite remember.

big D has been asleep for almost 2 hours. needing to catch up on some sleep & feeling under the weather.

we've got this white elephant gift exchange at work on friday & i'm a bit anxious about it. apparently most people bring gag gifts. i don't have anything that would be a good gag & i'm not into purchasing useless crap just so i can unload it on someone else. seems, um, LAME. hm....

we had dinner w/ my old boss & his family last night. had a good time. glad the shift from work relationship to social relationship hasn't been to bumpy or awkward. funny how i miss that job - parts of it anyway. a good relationship w/ one's boss is pretty amazing & rare. sharing similar opinions & ideas makes working together pretty damn easy. guess that's one of the challenges w/ the new gig. but challenge is good.

tried my hand at some vegan baking last weekend - blueberry applesauce muffins. they're not bad. not necessarily good either. a little too moist & gooey for a muffin. fluffy would be better. also, they turned green & that just makes them unappealing. the frozen blueberries started to defrost as i was folding them into the batter. not sure how the blue-purple turned green though...

on sunday i decided we should have a stir fry sometime this week. i'm sprouting mung beans in a container under the sink - hence the mung-speriment. it's so damn easy & kinda fun, in a mung-sperimenty kinda way. they're much fresher & last a lot longer than store bought sprouts. in my book, that's reason enough for the little bit of extra effort involved.

my big brother headed off to somewhere dangerous & unknown earlier this week. after many failed attempts, i eventually caught up w/ him before he left the US. hope he's safe & in good spirits wherever he is. i see lots of camel rides in his future. i'll be sending baked goods.

that's all i've got. i'm off to join big D.

cloudy saturday

lessons learned/relearned recently:

• "natural" deodorant doesn't always cut it. sometimes, it's best to use the bad stuff that makes my underarm skin peel off, clogs my pores & leaves me smelling fresh all day. (what this really means is, i've been eating crap/my digestion's been sub-par & there's been a build up of toxins - so, it's my own damn fault i smell horrible. TMI, i know.)
  
• sitting next to someone who is petrified of flying, while flying, isn't enjoyable, even if they're medicated. it's actually pretty terrible, in my experience.
• living in my own skin can be pretty uncomfortable at times. but it's ok to be me. (of course, i already knew this. but sometimes i forget.)
  
• finding good people to hang out with is difficult. i also know this & i know it well.
  
• making applesauce is pretty darn easy.
  
• sometimes it's important to DO something even when i'm tired & don't feel like it. doing it later doesn't always work out.
• i am a very lucky girl. INFP or not.
  

this week feels loooooooooooong. i'm so ready for the weekend. ugh.

been a good week for catchin' up w/ folks i haven't talked to in a long while. feels good. gotta get over the phone phobia...someday.

the guy i've had trouble w/ at work has finally labeled us as "not meshing well." it's true but it often feels wierd & uncomfortable when people confront issues. i mean, i'm glad to get shit out in the open, deal with it & go forward. often times i don't realize it's possible to change things. they just are what they are... turns out that's often times not the case. i'm interested to see what happens because of our "not meshing well." stay tuned.

have accomplished zero christmas shopping & that feels pretty good. i have to say, i wish it was easier to move towards celebrating the holidays sans purchasing gifts for people. not that i don't like giving gifts. i do. i guess, in my old age, i realize i'd rather spend quality time with people or do something nice for them & forget the purchasing of the stuff - although am a fan of useful stuff.

& so my brain is melting. i need to sleep.