Exhaustion

I'm so glad this last week is behind me. Oh man. It just felt so crazy. I felt crazy. Partially due to hormones making me feel emotional and nuts & the rest was work and life and all the other stuff...

We finally got a car to replace D's old one. It was so insanely underpriced that I still feel nervous about it, even though we had a mechanic look over the whole thing. Ugh. Apparently hybrids drive differently than regular cars, so I shouldn't be wierded out. But I am. Glad to be done w/ the seller though - he was making me insane, literally. Our conversations about how to meet up, how to drop the car off for the inspection, how he would like us to pay for the car would go as follows: "Okay, so let's do ______. No, wait a minute. We should do ______. Or, let's do this _____...." On and on and on. Glad we're done with it.

What else? We've been working on getting a renovation loan for the last 3 months - estimates, contractors, paperwork. Last week, we had to get our house appraised and the guy had to come inside! D and I didn't realize it wasn't just a dry by appraisal... It was a frightening experience - as most of the interior is under construction (open walls, broken plaster, wiring, studs, dust, tools...) and we have no permits for any of it. But all is well - we just got approved for the loan yesterday. So, as soon as we close, we can get our house insulated (!!!) probably just in time for it to get warm. And, we'll have some landscaping done to keep the ground watere away from the house - grading the yard, putting in some rain barrels, two rain gardens, redoing our crumbling front steps & walkway.... Lots of good things. Our landscape designer is the cutest lady - I feel like I could just hang out with her forever. It's strange when that happens - you meet someone for the first time and feel like you've known them forever and could just spend insane amounts of time with them just chatting and hanging out because it's just that comfortable. Wierd. So anyway, I think she's swell.

Things at work have felt a little nuts for a while. I didn't initially think it felt so nuts until this past week, but looking back, things have been pretty nuts. Crazy busy insane nuts in the early fall and then disfunctional nuts for the last few months. Things sort of seem to be on the upswing, but you never can tell. It's the time of year where my supervisees have just been assigned to their permanent placements for the remaining 6 months. I normally look forward to this time of year - spending lots of time talking w/ them about how things are going, discussing personal goals, and then figuring out how to break them into effective teams. This year, I enjoyed the talking portion even though I was hearing lots of terrible feedback. But the making teams part was horribly painful. I tried every concievable setup... And I delayed the decision for 4 weeks because my supervisor was tied up and didn't have time to discuss and help me figure out how to deal with things. In the end, I waiting until the last possible time to make the teams because I still coudn't come up with a good solution - and now, a mere week into things, I think I may have made a horrific mistake.

I just finished reading the book BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell, which I enjoyed most of the time though it was a little drawn out, and I think I just had too much information to use. You know? I think I could've made a better decision if I'd just known a few things and went more with my intuition than had to deal with the overabundance of information. But anyway, it's done and now I must deal with the fallout. Fingers crossed that there won't be any.

And my good friend, farmer Katie, is moving away at the end of next week. I knew it would happen eventually - farmers work on farms, not in the middle of Baltimore... It's been really great to have a good friend within walking distance. But I look forward to hearing about the farming adventures and being able to visit more often than 1x a season because the farm's so close!

The night before last, I woke up at 3:30am to see D holding the bedside lamp in both hands while laying in bed. I asked him what he was doing with the lamp and he said some things that didn't register as words. When I told him he didn't know what he was doing and he should put the lamp down, I'm pretty sure he said, "I just like lamps." He returned it to the bedside table and continued sleeping. In the morning, he remembered the whole thing - which is unusual. He knew exactly what he was trying to tell me - it was about miles per gallon. (We'd just bought the car the night before.) And so it goes.

As we were getting ready for bed one night during my dad and brother's visit before Christmas, D said he couldn't wait to change his underwear because he'd been wearing half-bikini half-boxer briefs all day. I saw what he was talking about as he got changed for bed - one half of the boxer briefs looked completely normal and the other side was mostly torn off, leaving one of his butt cheeks hanging out. I guess that's what can happen when you're getting dressed in the dark and a rag ends up in your underwear drawer. You might need the visual to find the humor, but I can't offer you that. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

And now, a nap.

Fall Photo

doesn't that look lovely? one of our neighbors presented this to me last fall, as a thank you for sharing food from our garden. (i did share food throughout the growing season - but he gave this to me after helping himself to tomatoes that were ripening on our front porch that I hadn't intended to share. funny.) been meaning to post it, but too many other things going on...

Heading out to ride the new bike.
I'm a little nervous.

the day or so leading up to the funeral, i felt hopeful in a way - like i was going to get to see her again. then i would remind myself that she wouldn't actually be there. because she died.

i haven't been the best friend the past year or so. not keeping in touch. living vicariously through facebook postings. sharing brief messages and comments. not calling. feeling like i knew what was going on in her life. but i didn't.

walking through the airport on my way out of town i was sure that was her up ahead. that familiar walk - i'd recognize it anywhere.

i was so grateful this woman i'd never met offered to go see her with me. when i looked in the casket and saw that it wasn't her, i was so relieved. after a few moments, she asked me if i'd said my goodbyes. i only shook my head 'yes' because i didn't recognize the body. that wasn't Dawn.

What is the lesson?

Went to a work happy hour tonight. Doesn't happen often. The last time I went was probably a year and a half ago. I don't think much of the regular happy hour crew. Based on past experience, happy hour is an extension of the bitching and gossiping about work that they do during work. Pretty exciting stuff.

But tonight's happy hour was different. It wasn't just with co-workers. It was also with several former co-workers... We've had A LOT of people leave over the last 8-10 months (approx. 1 person every 2 weeks or so) and there are a few of them I'd like to see again - one in particular. So I went. It was good to catch up with her & hear how her new adventures in teaching are going.

A current co-worker told me I should go to a strip club w/ him & some other folks because I need to do something a little more "left-of-center". What? Really? I need to go to a strip club because you think I'm lame? I was more annoyed than I thought I'd be at his judgement of me. Am I lame? I mean, yes, I probably am lame. I don't go to strip clubs, or get in fights at pool halls or... really, there are a ridiculous number of things that I don't do - too many to name. I know we all make judgements about people - that's how we get through life. There's a lot of guess work and judging to do. In the 3 years I've worked there, we've never had a conversation about anything but work or some stupid nonsense going on in his life. Don't know why I'm so irritated. We get along pretty well.

I guess I judged him as a lonely guy with a tough-guy attitude to hide behind so I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Might be true. Might not.

What he thinks doesn't even matter though. It doesn't change anything about me or my life - except that I'm mildly annoyed right now. When will I stop caring what people think? I was going to say that I should at least stop caring about the opinions of those that I don't actually care about - but I realize I do care about him. I wish he wasn't lonely because that's a shitty place to be...

Rattlesnake stew

I woke up with rattlesnake stew stuck in my head yesterday. Never had it - but I'd probably give it a try if I had the opportunity, especially if Mr. Edwards was the chef.

Enjoying a Monday morning off work. The new work schedule (four 10-hour days) is a little rough so far. The first week or 2 were great - but I've run out of steam. I struggle to get through the second half of the day, my brain stops functioning... Tuesday morning's usually a big struggle - I'm never prepared. Considering going back to 5 days a week - but actually leaving at 4pm. Hm.

Went to a Quaker Meeting last night w/ my pal, Katie. I really enjoyed it. It's a fairly new meeting that's just forming. Most of the people are fairly young. We attended a meeting before the actual meeting where they talked about the beliefs of the first Quakers. It made a lot of sense to me - I felt like they were talking to me. During the actual meeting, there was an hour of silence - which didn't seem like an hour at all - where a couple of people got up & said something thoughtful. Someone talked about the struggle for balance in life & the difficulty of listening to your inner voice. I had a terrible time quieting my mind. Stupid Katy Perry songs swimming around in my head. Now that I've typed this, they're playing Katy Perry on NPR. Ugh. Get out of my head! Anyway, I'm planning to go back again. It seems like a good group. I'm hoping to find my way out of the "recovering Catholic" mindset that's kind of squashed me for a long long time. So - we'll see.

My new group started 3 weeks ago. The most diverse group so far, I think - good mix of ages, religions, races, life experiences & probably lots of other things. So far, only one girl seems different than I thought - a little less mature than I would have liked. Or I might be reading her wrong - we'll have to wait & see.

Waiting for D to get home from some work meetings. Wonder how we'll spend the rest of this beautiful day...

Myrtle & Florian come for a visit