Tuesday Surprise

Since last Friday, 4 of my colleagues lost their jobs. This recurring theme is getting a little old. One of our interns did a count of 17 people come & gone since she started with us about a year ago. It's never been in our department though... until this time around. Three people gone, including my nemesis, and R, who is an incredible teacher and a very intelligent guy. The future is very hazy at this point. On one hand, I'm relieved for the changes that were long overdue. And I feel bad for everyone who just lots their jobs, because that sucks. My third hand is nervous as hell about what the future holds for me specifically. Will I be able to give up all the random, menial tasks to someone else? And if so, what does that mean I'm doing with my time? Something else entirely... Will I like it? Will I hate it? Will I be good at it? Will I end up joining the unemployed contingent in a few short months myself??

The last few months, I've been doing some work on myself - talking through some kinks in life. Trying on some new ways of thinking about things. Attempting to be compassionate with myself. It's been interesting, frustrating, annoying and sometimes sad. And, on occasion, it's enlightening. Over the last few years, I've told many people that I'm a much different person now than I was before moving to Baltimore. It seemed almost magical, the transformation. I moved away and the dark shroud slid off my shoulders and the world was new. I'm starting to understand it, little by little. What happened to that other person with all the negative thoughts and feelings? She's hiding inside somewhere and I'm trying to coax her out, to understand why she thinks what she thinks and hopefully to change some of those thoughts. Because I'm tired of being told that I'm probably doing it wrong anyway.

self care

so, i'm trying this new thing. sitting in stillness for at least 2 minutes everyday. today was the first day. i feel peaceful.

Work Drama

And so it continues.
I'm at home working on a grant application for a program that may be eliminated in a few weeks. Productive use of my time? Not so sure. To top it off, it's my day off...
Checked my work email first thing this morning to find out that the director of my department has resigned/was fired. He didn't quite make it a year. Funny thing is I liked him. He was smart and focused, personable, centered, calm. When he first took the job last spring, I remember him making comments about us being able to control the stress in our work. I have a hunch that didn't end up holding true for him.

And now, fear of his future replacement...

Bloatation

I prefer, "This is my dentist, McGillicuddy."

I wonder if it's possible to have a job that is enjoyable while at said job, but I wouldn't think about it/worry about it/stress about it at other times. If so, I hope I find this job someday. Work is weird. I'm feeling a combination of apathy (for the tasks I hate), longing (for the tasks that are no longer on my plate), freaked out (that the government might eliminate AmeriCorps funding because that's the main reason I have this job), and like I'm in way over my head - that I couldn't possibly move into any other position simply because I don't have the knowledge/experience. I think this is the most depressing part - because it didn't used to feel that way. When the place was smaller, there were so many opportunities. Oh well. It is what it is.

I quit "the gym" recently. I'd been going there for just over 7 years - but I hadn't been using it as regulary because it's not as convenient to my work or our house. Hard to justify the expense if I don't go. And so, I've joined a gym closer to home. I can bike there. Looking forward to it.

Can't wait for spring. It's just around the corner, I can feel it.

Met with our landscape designer tonight. A little overwhelming but exciting. Closing on our renovation loan tomorrow. Exciting but overwhelming for sure. We've got a decent amount of work to do before the insulating can begin. We're both looking forward to paying some contractors to do some things - though after meeting w/ the landscape designer, we're not sure if that's exactly how that part will work out. Hope so though.

If you own season 4 of Thirtysomething, you should probably send it to us. Lame ol' netflix only has a handful of the episodes on instant download & they don't have the discs... What's that about?!

And now, I'm off to watch some Paul & Jaime.

Exhaustion

I'm so glad this last week is behind me. Oh man. It just felt so crazy. I felt crazy. Partially due to hormones making me feel emotional and nuts & the rest was work and life and all the other stuff...

We finally got a car to replace D's old one. It was so insanely underpriced that I still feel nervous about it, even though we had a mechanic look over the whole thing. Ugh. Apparently hybrids drive differently than regular cars, so I shouldn't be wierded out. But I am. Glad to be done w/ the seller though - he was making me insane, literally. Our conversations about how to meet up, how to drop the car off for the inspection, how he would like us to pay for the car would go as follows: "Okay, so let's do ______. No, wait a minute. We should do ______. Or, let's do this _____...." On and on and on. Glad we're done with it.

What else? We've been working on getting a renovation loan for the last 3 months - estimates, contractors, paperwork. Last week, we had to get our house appraised and the guy had to come inside! D and I didn't realize it wasn't just a dry by appraisal... It was a frightening experience - as most of the interior is under construction (open walls, broken plaster, wiring, studs, dust, tools...) and we have no permits for any of it. But all is well - we just got approved for the loan yesterday. So, as soon as we close, we can get our house insulated (!!!) probably just in time for it to get warm. And, we'll have some landscaping done to keep the ground watere away from the house - grading the yard, putting in some rain barrels, two rain gardens, redoing our crumbling front steps & walkway.... Lots of good things. Our landscape designer is the cutest lady - I feel like I could just hang out with her forever. It's strange when that happens - you meet someone for the first time and feel like you've known them forever and could just spend insane amounts of time with them just chatting and hanging out because it's just that comfortable. Wierd. So anyway, I think she's swell.

Things at work have felt a little nuts for a while. I didn't initially think it felt so nuts until this past week, but looking back, things have been pretty nuts. Crazy busy insane nuts in the early fall and then disfunctional nuts for the last few months. Things sort of seem to be on the upswing, but you never can tell. It's the time of year where my supervisees have just been assigned to their permanent placements for the remaining 6 months. I normally look forward to this time of year - spending lots of time talking w/ them about how things are going, discussing personal goals, and then figuring out how to break them into effective teams. This year, I enjoyed the talking portion even though I was hearing lots of terrible feedback. But the making teams part was horribly painful. I tried every concievable setup... And I delayed the decision for 4 weeks because my supervisor was tied up and didn't have time to discuss and help me figure out how to deal with things. In the end, I waiting until the last possible time to make the teams because I still coudn't come up with a good solution - and now, a mere week into things, I think I may have made a horrific mistake.

I just finished reading the book BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell, which I enjoyed most of the time though it was a little drawn out, and I think I just had too much information to use. You know? I think I could've made a better decision if I'd just known a few things and went more with my intuition than had to deal with the overabundance of information. But anyway, it's done and now I must deal with the fallout. Fingers crossed that there won't be any.

And my good friend, farmer Katie, is moving away at the end of next week. I knew it would happen eventually - farmers work on farms, not in the middle of Baltimore... It's been really great to have a good friend within walking distance. But I look forward to hearing about the farming adventures and being able to visit more often than 1x a season because the farm's so close!

The night before last, I woke up at 3:30am to see D holding the bedside lamp in both hands while laying in bed. I asked him what he was doing with the lamp and he said some things that didn't register as words. When I told him he didn't know what he was doing and he should put the lamp down, I'm pretty sure he said, "I just like lamps." He returned it to the bedside table and continued sleeping. In the morning, he remembered the whole thing - which is unusual. He knew exactly what he was trying to tell me - it was about miles per gallon. (We'd just bought the car the night before.) And so it goes.

As we were getting ready for bed one night during my dad and brother's visit before Christmas, D said he couldn't wait to change his underwear because he'd been wearing half-bikini half-boxer briefs all day. I saw what he was talking about as he got changed for bed - one half of the boxer briefs looked completely normal and the other side was mostly torn off, leaving one of his butt cheeks hanging out. I guess that's what can happen when you're getting dressed in the dark and a rag ends up in your underwear drawer. You might need the visual to find the humor, but I can't offer you that. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

And now, a nap.

Fall Photo

doesn't that look lovely? one of our neighbors presented this to me last fall, as a thank you for sharing food from our garden. (i did share food throughout the growing season - but he gave this to me after helping himself to tomatoes that were ripening on our front porch that I hadn't intended to share. funny.) been meaning to post it, but too many other things going on...

Heading out to ride the new bike.
I'm a little nervous.