and so it goes

been doing a lot of thinking/worrying about life lately. living in the moment is so damn hard. i went to a strawbale building workshop last weekend & as i was heading back to baltimore, i realized that my current job doesn't "feed" me. it's a funny phrase my friend katie & i use a lot. touchy-feely. i don't know why it's so difficult for me to find a job i enjoy. i seem to learn a little more about myself with each job i take. wish i could learn A LOT MORE real soon & stop taking jobs that aren't good fits for me.

the strawbale workshop was interesting & i'm glad i went. met a lot of folks who do all kinds of interesting things. one woman home schools her kids & has a 5 acre CSA with crops and animals. very cool. another guy, my team-mate, has a gray-water recycling business & installs composting toilets. he explained how they work & i'm intrigued to see & use one. hm. the reason i went to the workshop was to meet the woman who designed the building we worked on. i read about her a while ago & had been wanting to meet her for a few years. she's an architect who designs natural buildings & provides workshops during the construction so people who are interested can get some hands on experience & learn a little about it. pretty cool.

anyway, i've had a hankering to talk to the architect for a few years, so i went to the workshop. the first day, i felt like, "oh my god, it's her. i want to be her!" kind of irrational. the next day, i couldn't figure out what to talk to her about. on my way out, i made myself go & talk to her. & i'm glad i did. she said she combined design and construction because doing one or the other made her crazy - she was always missing the other activity. i hear that. i hate sitting at a desk all day & i really enjoy designing spaces & i also enjoy getting my hands dirty. it's nice to know there are other people out there like me - at least one other person anyway. she suggested deciding what my goals are & then choosing a path that would lead to those goals. i may not necessarily need to go back to school. so... goals... that's something to work on.

here's a short news story about the building & workshop:

http://your4state.com/content/fulltext/?sid=497a2fd23d58a02943f28bf02c7c18
df&cid=15764

work's been pretty b-o-r-i-n-g lately. it took me a long time to adjust & feel comfortable at work & now that i do, i don't feel challenged at all. i'm trying to focus more on what i can gain from this experience & not so much on what i can do for them. it seems impossible for me to get anything out of it because i'm not passionate about it.

so if i'm going to keep working there, i need to feel invested in some way. a worthwhile goal? maybe. it pays well & this is not the time to start job hopping. at the same time, my insomnia's been pretty terrible & i'm guessing it's because i'm anxious about work. stupid, i know. it's not like i'm sitting around worrying about it all the time. but i do worry about quitting & moving on to something else. & when are we going to have kids & how is that going to work out? & how can i have this job that doesn't exist that i think i'd really like? hm... so, i'm a bit crazy i suppose.

d & i are taking a trip to alaska a little later this coming week. i'm very much looking forward to getting the hell out of here & having an adventure.