integrity schmintegrity

boy am i ready for this 3-day weekend. work is killing me. the last 4 days have been insane - the highs, the lows... i feel so bored & disillusioned. suddenly my job has no purpose because it's all a farce. not sure how long i'll last at this before i go stark raving mad. this possible merger has turned into a big fat monster. i met with a few work folks late last night to continue working on a plan to keep folks employed if the shit hits the fan. i really appreciate the different people i work with & the fact that we each have a different point of view. also, lawyers are amazing & extremely helpful in these instances. we've got a few ideas to iron out & i've got some research to do over the weekend. we had our last pre-decision meeting today, for our department, & it was really stressful. we went through all the pros & cons that i'd written up last week from our meeting notes. it completely freaked me out when i put everything on paper - because i don't believe in dancing around the issues & it was frightening to think about other's reactions. i knew some people (board members) wouldn't be comfortable with a few of the items & the potential conflict made me nervous. i tend to be pretty quiet during our meetings, because i either have nothing to say on the topic we're discussing or i need time to digest the conversation. in this particular group, this resulted in me feeling kind of foolish, in part because i'm the only female in the group & because i'm not mission driven, per say. anyway, this one board member basically said that though he agreed that a particular statement was true, we couldn't include it in our report because anyone who read it would vote NO on the merger. what?!?! i couldn't believe he said it out loud. it was one of the rare occasions that i spoke up & said if we left the information out of our report, it would be dishonest. eventually the guy gave in. i know none of this means anything to anyone else, but i had to get it out of my head because i'm feeling a bit anxious about it. i'm not sure how what i said was received by my coworkers, including my supervisor. i'm also not sure what to do with the other information that we had to strike from our report. i feel i need to get it into one of the other department reports because the truth needs to be told & heard. what to do, what to do...