more venting

i would very much like this to be the last time i'm writing solely about the nonsense going on at work. it's been on my mind a lot lately - go figure. i spend about 50 hours a week there...

so last wednesday was m's last day. it was wierd. i was incredibly sad leading up to it & sad when she left & i'm still sad now that's she's really gone. the strange thing is that she really made me nuts sometimes, just being herself. so why was it so difficult to say goodbye? three big reasons: she was the only one of my colleagues with a spine - willing to speak her mind even when it was most unpopular; integrity out the wazoo; kind & genuine; a lot of her ideas challenged me to open my mind to different ideas & ways of thinking/being, which is something i don't find too often. it was a great loss to me & to our organization. it wouldn't be so horrible if she didn't have to leave the country - but she did. so it's almost like she died, which is just terrible & sad.

as if all of this wasn't enough, m's supervisor resigned under extreme duress the following day. i've been expecting it for a while & we'd talked about it several times, so it definitely wasn't a shock. everything that led up to it was very difficult to witness though - knowing i could do nothing but watch as this person whom i deeply respect suffered humiliation & degradation. i have lost any ounce of respect i had for the "leader" of our organization. i've been struggling with all of these thoughts for days - first wondering what i could do that would stop everything he put into motion & then trying to figure out how to deal with the resulting emotions. i've felt extremely disappointed this past week, which is wierd because i wouldn't say i care all that much for my job (though i do care for my direct reports). i honestly can't believe that people are like this... that i work for someone who is like this. i think there's a large part of me that felt good about going to work for people (& for an organization) that exists to help people. know what i mean? a job with a purpose that has nothing to do with personal financial gain. turns out power & ego are enough motivation for people to be assholes. so it's been a tough few weeks. i'm trying to figure out how to continue working for this organization - how can i stay & support the one in power when i disagree so strongly with things that are happening? honestly, i want the whole organization to fail. i want them to fall flat on their face. but i know that wouldn't change anything - it would just hurt all the people who benefit from the organization & all those who are employed there. so... i'm choosing to suck it up & figure out how i can express myself without loosing my job. all the stress of the last few weeks has sabotoged my other shoulder, which is now acting all crazy & painful. my physical therapist told me i needed to tell off whoever it was that was stressing me out so my body could relax & let go of the stress. how can i do it?

i've vented in my journal & to those around me & it's not enough. so, i'm venting here. it's funny - i feel like i'm on that tv show Survivor but i have no alliances & i don't know who it's safe to talk to...

things i would like mm to know:

• how does your self-professed faith in jesus christ inspire you to do this work & to humiliate and devalue those you employ? all people deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect - this includes the population we serve and your employees. it's all too catholic church for me - priests saying one thing at the pulpit & molest children behind closed doors.
  
• a few words about good leadership: (1) Strong leaders own up to their decisions. if you decide someone is no longer a good fit for the organization, communicate that openly and relieve them of their position in a dignified manner. it's all on you. own it. don't force them to quit or be miserable because they can't meet impossible expectations you've set. (2) Strong leaders are able to handle conflict. handle doesn't mean systematically remove all staff who disagree with you. disagreement is healthy - it even said so in "The 5 Disfunctions of a Team" book you made us read & lectured us about. (3) Strong leaders live up to their word. Don't say you're being open & honest when you know it's not true. your employees are intelligent people - we can smell your deceit a mile away. It's creating a culture of fear - people feel they cannot express their opinions openly lest they lose their jobs. (4) Strong leaders need strong teams to accomplish their goals. All of your foolishness occupies our minds so much that it's difficult to be productive.
  
• you may be building a large organization that will be successful someday, but you have no integrity. you're all talk.
  
• You suck.

and now it's late, so i must be off to bed. but first, a few quick notes about my real life: i went to a meditation group last week and a toastmasters meeting. both interesting things i'd like to do again. thich nhat hanh here i come....

seriously, a job that's not stressful. does one exist??