the weekend's over already...

sometimes life scares the crap out of me... i can't explain it. it's not about death or anything quite so heavy. it's about choices & am i making the right ones... i don't know.

my parents came for the weekend and it was the first time in a long time that i felt like i needed to entertain visitors. it was a good visit but for some reason, i wanted to do more. i was the grown-up kid dragging all my toys out of the toy box to show off... but it is what it is. now they're gone & i'm sad & i feel very alone - even though i'm no more alone than i was friday before they came. it's just strange - that i feel the need to live far away. i'm not sure why we live here anymore. i mean, over the years, i've had lots of friends but i'm slim on close, local friends these days. all the good people keep moving farther & farther away.

we had dinner w/ the beej & aimee last week - which was great fun & i was belly laughing like a fool - and we discussed slogans for baltimore, deciding on "baltimore, keep moving". but we're not moving. we're trying to buy a house. i have a lot of hopes for said house - whether it's the current one or another one. i want to feel settled. i'm tired of wondering where we should be... because this is where we are.

at the same time, i'm not sure how long we'll stay. what if i don't go to school? what will we do for the next 5 years? i guess we'll figure it out, just like we've figured out the last 7.

sometimes, i wish i could just go home & be taken care of again & not have to make any of these decisions or have any responsibilities. hiding out from real life.

i know that's not what i really want. sounds good when i'm freaked out though.

so, we have to move out of our apartment in 2 weeks. we've got a big stack of rubbermaid tubs & boxes just waiting to be filled. (one tub has become a temporary sink for dishwashing as our kitchen sink remains clogged after 1 week & several plumbers...) i can't believe we have to leave this place. this is the longest i've lived anywhere since i left home for college. this place, as much as it makes me nuts, is home. i don't want to take everything off the walls & pack all of our crap in boxes. but it must be done. moving sucks. good thing i like adventures & new beginnings. hamilton, here we come...