end o the weekend

feeling a little frustrated today... with food... & food prep. why is it such a pain to eat vegetarian food? if i ate meat, lunch & dinner would be much easier. i wouldn't spend so much time thinking, planning & worrying about it. but i spend a ridiculous amount of time dealing with food. it's past the point of pissing me off. when i worked part time, we ate better food. i had plenty of time to feel inspired to try new things (some good & some not so good) & less crushed when something didn't turn out to my liking. & i wasn't rushed to prepare things so I was able make a lot more from scratch. i don't have time/energy for this game now. i come home from work exhausted. i don't have it in me to figure out what i/we should eat for dinner. i have about 10 things i really enjoy & d likes about half really well. but that's not enough variety. so, we're trying some prepared foods... frozen stir-fry in a bag & the like. we tried the crap in a box. terrible. does anyone have suggestions of fairly simple recipes we could try??? if you do, please e-mail them to me. i'd be forever in your debt for some new, easy recipes....

on a more positive note, had a great yoga class this morning. R, my favorite teacher, is amazing! there were only 3 people in class so there was a lot of individual attention, which was helpful because we were working on backbends. R is really thoughtful & introspective & i wish i could be like her in some ways. should we move away from baltimore any time soon, i think i would miss her class the most. that's probably a little sad... i need to make more friends. now that K is officially gone for a long stretch, my social circle has become nonexistent.... which is strange because when D & i went to the farmers market yesterday, we saw more people we know than ever before & stood around chatting w/a few of 'em. it was probably my favorite trip so far. life's funny like that. (on the way home, we stopped in an open house & that was fun. although the house wasn't that exciting - but i love being nosey.)

i spent yesterday afternoon & evening in the garden, continuing to prep the beds & clean out the remaining bed from last year. lots of weeding, path straightening (moving crap & putting down wood chips) & fertilizing w/ leaf mold (black soil the garden provides - i think it's composted leaves...). things are looking pretty sharp. e cut down some bamboo for me so i could build a trellis for vines & such. exciting. i'm such a nerd - i drew my plot out on autocad before we built it. but i think the building went pretty smoothly because we knew where everything went. go nerds!

back to work in the am... i have 3 interviews scheduled & i need to check one person's references. but i don't want to check them. i just don't like this person. he sounds good on paper... but i didn't get a good sense of who he was during the phone interview. he presented himself as being excellent at EVERYTHING & that's annoying... because it's not realistic. so, i don't know what to do w/ him. interview him again & specifically focus on his weaknesses, if he can find any? reject him because i just don't have a good feeling about it? it's all a big gray area. but is it a gray area of discrimination? am i allowed to go with "i just don't get a good feeling about him?" & if i do reject him, it'll probably have to be over the phone, which is extra lame. i gotta get a backbone.

the thing is, i've had a much easier time sleeping since i've started recruiting. it's actually challenging, whereas the rest of my day is not so much. or maybe i let the challenges slide right by me... whatever. i'm sleeping better & i wanna go where the sleep is...

i close w/ some alaska videos:

• Alyeska ski resort
• Turnagain Arm (me looking cold, in a big hat)
• Sledding in Matanuska Valley
  

brown thumb

d's been helping me in the garden quite a bit lately. we spent several hours on sunday cutting up scrap lumber & building some new raised beds. i decided to rent 2 plots this year soz i could grow hopefully a wider variety of stuff, a little more spread out. we got a lot done & it's looking pretty good.
i'm pretty sure the wood we used is going to fall apart pretty quick. i'm opposed to purchasing new lumber so i can put it in the ground & let it rot. doesn't make any sense to me. so i'll have to keep my eyes peeled for decent scrap wood in the near future.

i'm feeling pretty pumped about the plot. my seeds are beginning to sprout & i can't wait for everything to start growing. my good buddy, k, is off having a grand farming adventure in massachusettes & not here sharing the plot w/ me.

work's been keeping me busy lately. started recruiting & interviewing for next year's volunteers. wacky. i rejected my first applicant today & i felt terrible doing it. i'm hoping to learn a whole lot about interviewing, hiring & all that crap during this process. it's been pretty interesting so far. but it has the potential to suck. rejecting people is no fun. hope it gets easier.

started physical therapy for my shoulder right before the alaska trip. i think it's finally sinking in & feeling better. for the first few weeks, it was feeling much worse. i definitely feel improvement now, so that's good. i'm going to a "wellness center" where the therapist uses mostly pilates & some yoga to work the muscles. it made absolutely no sense to me at first, but now i'm getting it. i also bought a large rubber ball to sit on at work instead of a desk chair. that stupid thing makes my back hurt. we'll see what happens w/ the ball.

d & i just got back from a nice long walk to sherwood gardens. the tulips will be opening up soon. should be beautiful.

schmalaska & beyond!

so... been back for a while now. about 2 weeks. i've been crazy busy with no time to write since my return. work's been quite a bit better, actually. being able to step away for a while was really helpful. i realized, on my last night in alaska, that i'd wanted to gain management experience with this job... & i'd lost sight of that amidst all the madness of day-to-day work. so, some of the other crap that was bothering me before isn't such a big deal now. even my relationship w/ the guy i don't get along with seems improved. maybe it takes me 6 months to settle into a new job? ...or a new job where i work at break-neck speed all day without much supervision... anyway, things have improved & i'm so glad. sorry to everyone i bitched to about it. thanks for listening :)

s & c's street - the house in the center is theirs.

d & i posing at the turnagain arm

MORE PHOTOS OF OUR TRIP

alaska was pretty great & i recommend going, even in the spring. it really wasn't that cold. about 32 degrees, fahrenheit. lots of huge, beautiful mountains. lots of snow... i definitely enjoyed the slow pace of life in alaska. no one seemed to be rushing around - not even in the airport (which felt like a cross between a mall & a hospital... w/ dead animals around). you can't rush mother nature, i guess. if the visibility is zero & the roads are icy, you damn well better slow down. one afternoon, we were driving around with our friend & his brother (in a large 4-wheel drive truck) & we had one accident (slid into a plow-truck) & one near-accident (the truck slid sideways into the oncoming traffic lane & kept sliding down the road a ways). safe driving is no joke. we took some nice walks/hikes in borrowed Xtra Tuffs (insulated rubber boots you can wear tramping through tall snow & water). saw lots of avalanches (after they'd happened). we saw Matanuska Glacier & stayed in a cabin in the mountains (most amazing sunset & moonrise i've ever seen). did some super fun sledding in Matanuska Valley. enjoyed delicious meals (including a seafood feast w/ king crab legs, shirmp & mussels) & good company. our alaskan friends happen to be tour guides, so we learned quite a bit too. got to hear all manner of sensational tales of life in alaska - people dying in avalanches (or narrowly escaping them), people falling in crevices & surviving, a guy getting his face bit off by a bear (a guy our friends know). our friends have run into bears several times too. scary. and moose. we saw neither... alive. wish i'd been able to stay longer. d got to see the northern lights, took the tram up into the Chugach Mountains & walked on the flats (the fjord our friends live on - turnagain arm - drains completely when the tide is low & nothing's left but huge chunks of ice).

i recommend checking it out, if you can. it was weird to think, when we were there, that we were much closer to japan than baltimore. alaska is 4000 miles away. it was a great adventure.

and so it goes

been doing a lot of thinking/worrying about life lately. living in the moment is so damn hard. i went to a strawbale building workshop last weekend & as i was heading back to baltimore, i realized that my current job doesn't "feed" me. it's a funny phrase my friend katie & i use a lot. touchy-feely. i don't know why it's so difficult for me to find a job i enjoy. i seem to learn a little more about myself with each job i take. wish i could learn A LOT MORE real soon & stop taking jobs that aren't good fits for me.

the strawbale workshop was interesting & i'm glad i went. met a lot of folks who do all kinds of interesting things. one woman home schools her kids & has a 5 acre CSA with crops and animals. very cool. another guy, my team-mate, has a gray-water recycling business & installs composting toilets. he explained how they work & i'm intrigued to see & use one. hm. the reason i went to the workshop was to meet the woman who designed the building we worked on. i read about her a while ago & had been wanting to meet her for a few years. she's an architect who designs natural buildings & provides workshops during the construction so people who are interested can get some hands on experience & learn a little about it. pretty cool.

anyway, i've had a hankering to talk to the architect for a few years, so i went to the workshop. the first day, i felt like, "oh my god, it's her. i want to be her!" kind of irrational. the next day, i couldn't figure out what to talk to her about. on my way out, i made myself go & talk to her. & i'm glad i did. she said she combined design and construction because doing one or the other made her crazy - she was always missing the other activity. i hear that. i hate sitting at a desk all day & i really enjoy designing spaces & i also enjoy getting my hands dirty. it's nice to know there are other people out there like me - at least one other person anyway. she suggested deciding what my goals are & then choosing a path that would lead to those goals. i may not necessarily need to go back to school. so... goals... that's something to work on.

here's a short news story about the building & workshop:

http://your4state.com/content/fulltext/?sid=497a2fd23d58a02943f28bf02c7c18
df&cid=15764

work's been pretty b-o-r-i-n-g lately. it took me a long time to adjust & feel comfortable at work & now that i do, i don't feel challenged at all. i'm trying to focus more on what i can gain from this experience & not so much on what i can do for them. it seems impossible for me to get anything out of it because i'm not passionate about it.

so if i'm going to keep working there, i need to feel invested in some way. a worthwhile goal? maybe. it pays well & this is not the time to start job hopping. at the same time, my insomnia's been pretty terrible & i'm guessing it's because i'm anxious about work. stupid, i know. it's not like i'm sitting around worrying about it all the time. but i do worry about quitting & moving on to something else. & when are we going to have kids & how is that going to work out? & how can i have this job that doesn't exist that i think i'd really like? hm... so, i'm a bit crazy i suppose.

d & i are taking a trip to alaska a little later this coming week. i'm very much looking forward to getting the hell out of here & having an adventure.

Boo Ya, It's Cold!

last night, i awoke abruptly as D was stealing my pillow - w/ 2 hands & everything - adamant that it was his, even though he was laying on his... a little later on, he jumped up & shouted, "I have to put out that fire over there!", pointing across the room. have i mentioned D's an "active" sleeper? today i was thinking back over recent & not-so-recent sleeping incidents. the first time i spent the weekend at truman, he looked at me & said, "You suck!" i didn't realize he was asleep & that made me feel bad. more recently, he punched me in boob while beating up "sport coat guy" in his dream. nothing beats peeing in the corner & arguing with me that he wasn't...

ugh. i really wish we could get out of here & visit the cool kids in ohio. haven't seen 'em since august, i think.

went to one of my regular yoga classes this week - a teacher i don't particularly care for, but her class is decent. she decided to conduct mini private lessons with each person instead of lead the class. initially, i thought it might work out ok but in the end, it was damn annoying & not at all what i go to yoga class for. i got one good thing out of it though: i stole the mantra of the lady next to me. "I am unlimited." every time i think it, i feel significantly better; calmer, more hopeful. so, i'm unlimited. thought you should know.

work's been a bit frustrating lately. my unlimitedness is helping though. i've officially held the position for 5 months. 19 more to go. :( probably not the best way to think about it... i have lots of hangups about the place. mostly the religion thing. finally got my business cards this past week. the backs of every other one say something about working in partnership w/ J.C. i sorted through & put those cards in the back of the box. i'm not handing that out to people. gives me the creeps.

got a work fundraiser to go to tomorrow night. we'll just call it an event showcasing comedians from different religions. wish religion was funny.

the coughing's mostly over

nothing too exciting going on these days. since the grant writing frenzy ended, going to work has felt unbelievably pointless. no challenges. not really using my brain. not even moving around much. turns out i have a strong dislike of desk jobs. i enjoy moving around during the day. after sitting for hours, i feel like my spine is compressing & my back just hurts. i'll take the cuts, bruises & dirty fingernails of carpentry over the backpain & boredom of desk work anyday... except my shoulder still doesn't work right, so i'm kinda stuck for now.

i got to go to a few job sites yesterday & at one, i taught the folks how to build a set of stairs, which was super fun (i'm a big, ol' dork & some days, i'm proud of it!). last week, i drew up a few construction details for the stair & as i was drawing everything out, i was filled with excitement & really wanted to build it myself. (whomever reads this crap, sorry. i know it's b-o-r-i-n-g.) anyway, i realized how much i enjoy the design-build process. i want to do both because they're both important & exciting to me. but i still don't know what kind of design-build work i'd like to do. i mean, that was part of my last job - but i was bored with the projects. so...that's what i've got to figure out now.

hm... i might go to a straw-bale building workshop in the beginning of march. could be exciting. the woman giving the workshop is an architect & builder that i've been admiring from afar (i read about her on the internet & met some folks in northern maryland who had worked w/ her a few years ago). maybe i want to be like her? dunno.

also, just to weigh in on the time machine vs wings debate: wings win every time for me. i have enough trouble living in the present. not really interested in going back in time, unless it's like watching a movie - no interacting, just watching - but i don't do that much movie or tv watching anyway, so why bother? i also have no interest in going back to relive parts of my life... once is enough, know what i mean? it would probably be pretty humiliating & awful anyway. flying just seems like fun.

celebrated my 31st birthday earlier this week. had an enjoyable day w/ D. we walked to federal hill & had some tasty thai for lunch & spent the afternoon at the science center. i was pretty pumped to see the body worlds 2 exhibit. but it wasn't mind-blowing at all. thought it might be horrific/creepy/interesting/bizarre. unfortunately, it was a bit of a let down. definitely bizarre. people turned to plastic, cut up & arranged in weird displays. i'm awful glad we have skin.

well, i survived the grant writing madness. phew. it shouldn't be so bad next year now that i'm familiar with all the info. 2 hours before it was due, i found out the info in one of the essays (that i kept from last year) was not true... that was pretty awesome. nothing like a little last minute drama. but it's done now & that's pretty great! at least i felt challenged at work for 2 weeks. i was working like a dog, but i can't say i don't like challenge. i hate feeling bored!

our kitchen sure is clean! i did some major cleaning in here yesterday & it feels much better. it's so hard to make this place feel clean. i can scrub the shit out of it & the paint is still bumpy & wierd, the walls are still discolored in places & the floor is always gross. hm. but, it's cheap. most of the time, i don't mind that it's rough around the edges. it's kind of charming - i can say this now that we haven't had any furry vermin in many moons. it's got a lot more charm & detail than most rehabbed places. sure, our bathroom has 3 surfaces sporting a range of colors & patters, from faded pink & tan to green, black & gold... it's quite an array. honestly, i kinda want to paint the place. but i'm resisting. the living room is massive & would take FOREVER & many many gallons of paint... plus, if we have to paint over it before we move out, that would really blow. so i'm holding out to see if it's a passing fancy or not. i'm picturing a really pretty pale green in the living room & a warm, fun color in the kitchen.

think i'm just getting bored w/ this space & myself. i would desperately like a haircut. i've definitely got a mop on my head. but the last lady i liked moved. hm. also feeling the urge to go shopping. this hits every once in a while. frugal living gets old at a certain point & i have to change things up a bit.

nothing too exciting going on. trying to figure out just what i can do to make my job challenging so i'll want to stick around. the guy i don't necessarily get along w/ is gone on vacation for a bit & that's kinda nice. i'm tired of being overly friendly all the time. it's a drag.

had hoped to have enough time to make some apple muffins tonight. but i went on a long walk w/ E & L. just enough time to finish making soup for my lunch tomorrow. i think that's all i've got. the nyquil D is kicking in. good stuff.