I gotta get some sleep

Somehow, I forgot to include the following event in the few blog posts I've written this year.   This accomplishment was significant for me because I have an overwhelming fear of heights.  When I'm in a high place, it's as if the very top of my head is the heaviest part of my body.  I feel I have no choice but to fall from where ever I am.  I know it's ridiculous.  My colleague, Roger, who was filling in for me while I was out on maternity leave, planned a reflection and team building day for our exiting service members at a high ropes course. (!?!?!)  Yeah, I would've never taken anyone there.  We spent most of the day on ropes so low to the ground that I didn't expect anything like our high ropes course.  When I first set eyes on it, I immediately began to panic.  I sat out, gave someone else my harness, tried to breathe and not cry.  But eventually I gave in and flipped the hell out.  I started bawling.  "I can't do this, I can't do this.  I'm too afraid."  The facilitators reassured me that I didn't have to do anything that I wasn't comfortable with, which was cool.  We had such a great group of AmeriCorps members last year.  They totally supported me and somehow I managed to do this.  I made it through the whole course. 

There are lots of things that I never thought I'd be able to do - and some of them I truly haven't done or even tried.  I've also tried a good many things and succeeded at more than I thought I could.  It's a good reminder that people are adaptible, flexible and resilient.  It's been a year of new and unexpected challenges and today, I'm feeling pretty okay about it all.  A few days ago, maybe not so much.  Right now, I'm treading water and feeling good.   

Today

Today marks 7 months since we tossed the nickname Le Tigre aside.  Can't believe it's been that long.  Crazy! 

And, while searching for pics on our camera, I came across a series of these from last January's Fake Thanksgiving with the Schluetermetz family and Uncle Rico.  Boy do I miss these guys.  (Sorry - didn't have the time/energy to crop it.)  Strange to think that next time we hang out, there will be another person in the photo...

I've been away from work since last Wednesday - a total of 5 days.  And yet, I think I'm more stressed out now than I was when I left work.  It's pretty much all I've thought about, which is just so stupid.  Why?  Ugh.  Why do I spend time worrying about work when I have all kinds of stuff going on right here in front of my face?  People that I enjoy being with.  And yet, I gave in to stupid work stress instead of enjoying what's here now.  It's almost like I wasted 5 days.  Pretty stupid.

Thanksgiving Eve

I feel like I can't post anything these days unless I include some photos, so here are some older ones - from the summer, I think.  When I haven't much to do, I enjoy flipping through photos and watching the little video clips of the dude's life thus far.  I can't believe he's nearly 7 months old.  Blows my mind.

Speaking of blowing my mind, we got some "adult" furniture for our living room recently.  What is adult furniture?  Well, it's not a lumpy, stained futon and a bunch of other random stuff.  It's an upholstered couch, chair and loveseat with pillows - and they all match for once.  I had no idea it would feel so nice to have things that matched and were in good shape.  But damn, it feels nice.  And, it's used stuff too, which feels even better.  I'll still be sad when the dude pukes on it or draws on it, but not that sad.

Not too much else going on these days.  Turkey day is tomorrow and this is the first year ever that we're actually doing NOTHING.  Strange and a little sad, but again it's not that sad.  The dude does not do that well on long car rides, so lengthy travel was out.  Katie, the north American wanderer, is currently wandering in Africa so our most recent Thanksgiving tradition was off the radar.  I suppose it's fitting that we need to come up with our own thing - but we might just be tired enough and lazy enough to consider it nothing more than another day, at least this year.    I can only speak for myself, and I think I am just tired enough and lazy enough to do nothing.  :)

You know, 7 months ago when I went on maternity leave, I had a hard time disengaging from work but I looked forward to being away for a while and hoped that some things would straighten themselves out during my absence.  But reality was not that kind, of course.  Nothing was different when I returned - it was just messier than when I'd left because things had been ignored for many moons.  I've been back to work for more than 4 months now and it feels like everything is just sliding down into a big black pit.  My job has always had its ups and downs - highs and lows - times with heavy stress and other times with little stress.  But I've generally been able to maintain a positive outlook, felt that things would improve despite the current hardship.  I'm not sure I feel that now - or it might just be that I have so many other things going on in my life that I can't take on that much stress and deal with it as well.  I'm dealing poorly at the moment, and that feels bad.  I have yet to figure out what to do about it.  Do I go to the CEO and talk about my concerns or is that just shooting myself in the foot?  I'm not trusting enough to find out at the moment.

And, the fact that I was just sitting here with my eyes closed and my arms crossed, resting peacefully, tells me that I need to go to sleep.  Good night!

Quiet Sunday

Just looking through photos of Samuel's first 3 months and I stumbled upon this one.  It's from July, so it's  not recent - but I like it.  The dude and I spend a lot of time rocking in this chair.  It's a family heirloom from my Mom's grandparents.  Super comfy rocker.

Not too much going on.  Samuel's currently sleeping.  He's been asleep since about 6pm, which ain't too shabby.  Not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the evening.  I'm pretty tired, so I might call it an early night.  He'll be up early anyhow since daylight savings time just ended and his sleep has not adjusted yet. 

Um...  yeah, not really inspired to write anything at the moment.  I feel happy.  Enjoying family life and having a baby/kid.  Looking forward to all the fun things we will do someday in the future (playing games, etc), feeling a little sad that the dude is growing up so fast, and I'm really looking forward to hanging out with him again when he wakes up. 

Other than that, I think I would be way more productive at home if I was more organized with my home tasks.  If I wrote down the things I could do when I have a few minutes, and then if I actually did them, that would be pretty amazing.  I'm considering taking this on.  Got a new planner at work - the Un Calendar - which has helped me be a bit more organized with work stuff and I'm appreciating it.  But, I'm a dork and I very much enjoy writing things down, making lists and organizing things, so... 

Chocolate ice cream?

 "Hey there, fat little man!  You don't look like you miss too many meals."

That's how this random guy at this morning's farmer's market greeted Samuel, who is indeed looking especially tubby and well fed these days. 

The days are just flying by.  In the past 6 weeks, my Mom stayed for 12 days, Dan's parents stayed for 4 days and Dan's sister and her hubby stayed for a few days this past week.  Late August was crazy busy at work, preparing for the new crew.  The beginning of September was similarly crazy, orienting the new crew.  And now, life is just rolling on by.  I keep thinking that the days will slow down at some point, leaving me with plenty of time to catch up on all the errands I semi-desparately need to do.  The top of the list includes: get a haircut (I have that post-pregnancy hair falling out thing going on), get some new glasses (the paint is chipping off my frames something fierce), get some new work shoes (the soles are almost completely unglued on the oldies).  Alas, I'm not sure how to do all these things with Samuel in tow.  I probably need to figure that out.

So, the boy is now 5 months old.  Crazy.  He really does change ALL the time.  It's pretty wild.  Tonight, as I was preparing dinner, I happened to notice him falling asleep on the baby monitor.  (Yes, ours has a camera.  Don't judge - it's handy and I like it!)  For some reason, I felt so incredibly happy and lucky as I watched him drift off to sleep.  I can't believe I have a kid.  And, he's so great and happy and all around wonderful.  Even though he peed all over me while I was getting him ready for a bath tonight.  Huh.  How is it that I feel like I'm floating and I'm drowning almost simultaneously?  Being present in the moment with him brings on the floating and when I realize all of the other things I need to accomplish (working from home several hours per week being one of them), I feel my head go under water a little bit.

I have to work tomorrow.  Not looking forward to it.  Taking Samuel along because Dan's working and it's a Sunday.  I hang out with him on Sunday and I don't intend to lose my hanging out with him time just because I have to go to work.  We'll see how that pans out.  ;)

So far, Dan's and my schedules have worked out decently in terms of allowing us to cover child care needs (with the exception of all the visiting Grandparent babysitters).  Our schedules overlap this Tuesday soSamuel is going to spend it in the care of someone else and that just feels weird.  My ex-colleague's hubby, who is a stay-at-home-dad is going to watch him.  Hope it goes well and he doesn't flip out when I have to leave him.

Trying to figure out how to get him to sleep through the night - or at least longer than 4 hours.  He had some "regular" 6 and 7 hour sleeps a few months ago but they have not returned.  I can't stomach the "cry it out" thing - at least not yet.  At the same time, there's something in me telling me we need to do it and get it over with.  He really doesn't need to eat every 4 hours, 3 hours, 2 hours during the night.  He's just having trouble staying asleep.  Ugh.  I do not look forward to it.  I know he needs to be able to sleep well on his own and I totally support that.  I'm also selfish and I don't want to lose any more of my sleep than absolutely necessary.  I want the sleep thing to be easy.    

I think my sleep deprivation has hit a new high/low.  I heard what I thought was an intruder breaking into our house last night when I was asleep.  I jumped out of bed, ran into the living room and confronted this dark figure at the front door.  The whole thing felt very much like one of those dreams where something really bad is happening and I can't seem to speak or move... except I was able to do both.  I yelled out, "HEY!"  And I followed it with, "Get out of our house!" because what else do you yell at someone who has broken in?  And then Dan said, "Hi.  It's just me."  It didn't register right away, that this stranger was Dan and nt really a stranger.  "What?  What?"  I stood there not knowing what to do, overwhelmed with adrenaline and confusion.  And then I just started sobbing.  I was so freaked out and confused and relieved.  The walk back to our bedroom was slow and uncomfortable because my leg muscles were still taught and shaking.  At that point I realized only 20 minutes had passed since I turned out the light to go to sleep.       

I'm really glad my Mom is coming tomorrow.  She's going to stay for about 12 days.  I'm hopeful that by then I'll be ready for all the newbies at work.  If everything goes exceptionally well, I'll have gotten some rest, had some dates with my hubby and tackled some much needed weeding too.  Oh, and a new pair of glasses.  And maybe some shoes for work too.  Yeah, the list of stupid things I need to do just keeps growing and growing.  It's infinitely longer than this.  How do people do this, especially in the absence of local family help?

Ugh.

Daddy's gotta take a shit!

Check out those cheeks.  I could eat 'em up!

It was a good day, again.  I think I'm on a streak, which is nice and a little wierd.  A few days ago I thought I was about to fall off the edge.  Sadness, anger, frustration, boredom... they were closing in on me.  Hadn't felt like myself for a few weeks.  I expected something like this right after S was born, but not 2 months later.  Huh.  A bit of journaling, some time along with D, a night out and some good old fashioned exercise seemed to do the trick.  Feeling much much better - like my real self. 

Over the last many weeks, I've been making mental lists of all the "chores" I could be doing.  You know, in addition to taking care of the baby.  Most days I spend my time with S and trying to catch up on sleep or just laying around not doing much.  It's so hard to push myself to do anything else.  And then I feel like a big ol' loser for doing NOTHING all day.  Even though I've been plenty busy with the baby and I haven't sleep through the night in months, but whatever.  Today I got up and took S for a walk first thing, before it got too hot.  It was a great way to start the day/week.  Washed diapers.  Moved the living room furniture around (I can't stand furniture to stay in the same place for too long - it's a wierd thing I have).  Cleaned the hell outta the bathroom and damn, does it feel good.  I've been staring at those ugly orange-stained grout lines for probably more than a year.  Feeling pissed off about it.  Nothing like putting in your own tile, taking the time to seal the grout like 4 times so that it doesn't stain (& showering at the gym during that time to let the sealant cure) and then the grout quickly turns orange.  Aaagh!  I couldn't take it.  Thanks to some vinegar and a borax-baking soda paste, it's now clean!  Didn't think it was possible without nasty chemicals - but it is!  (I've also learned that if you want me to clean, you should force me to stay home every day for a long time.  Eventually I'll get so sick of the dirt, I'll break down and clean it up.  Otherwise, chances of me cleaning are slim.)

Been back to work on Thursdays and Fridays this month.  It's going okay.  I really enjoy giving exit interviews, which is what I'm spending most of my work time doing.   LOVE IT!  Seriously.  It's a great way to get back into things.  Reminds me how much I like that part of my job.  I'm grateful that running this program is the bulk of my job.  It's provided me with countless opportunities to improve my communication skills over the years.  And that's been incredibly helpful because I didn't start off with many skills.  I'm still super awkward and likely will be for the rest of my life.  But that's okay.  I claim the awkwardness.  It's part of me. 

Went back to the gym last week.  Very exciting!  I've been a pretty devoted gym-goer for the better part of the last 15 years or so.  It really helps keep me sane.  Went to a yoga class yesterday for the first time in probably 9 months.  Wow, it sucked.  And it rocked.  My body feels trashed.  I've got a lot of work to do just to get some flexibility back. 

What else?  This little baby's not so little anymore.  He's pretty big in fact.  Huge!  He's larger than my colleague's 6-month old daughter.  I'm a little sad that he didn't stay tiny long.  I don't even remember him being tiny really.  It didn't last long, less than 3 weeks.  Part of me feels a little bit cheated.  Maybe I would remember his first days/weeks better if I hadn't had a medicated labor??  Not that I think I could've survived labor without the medication - to ease the pain and bring down my blood pressure so I didn't die.  But the after affects kinda sucked.  I stayed in bed and slept as much as possible for days afterwards because of the headaches.  Well, anyway, I suppose it's a waste of time to wonder if things would've been better after he was born if I hadn't had any pain meds.  Cuz I can't go backward.

One of my mom's sisters died a few days ago.  She cut off contact with everyone in the family about 20 years ago.  My mom never knew why - she just knew her sister was angry.  They spoke briefly 8 years ago when my Grandpa died and that was it.  It's a shame that she's gone and amends were never made.  I don't know that my mom will ever find out why.

Really enjoying having a kid so far.  Sounds like we're very very lucky that he's been so laid back and easy.  I'm certainly glad about that.  He's a good natured little dude.  And cute.  And smiley.  He doesn't always smell so hot - like sour milk.  And damn if it doesn't collect in the folds of his neck.  But I don't care.  He hasn't surprised me with any poops or pees during diaper changes in a good long while, which is pretty great.  I'm looking forward to having some folks we know babysit him in the near future.  I was a little surprised that I didn't worry to much about what was going on at home when I went back to work.  Kinda nice.  Kinda strange.

Hoping to talk w/ my boss about returning to work 32 hours/week - which I believe is technically full time - going in to the office on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays and working from home the other 8 hours.  I figure I can probably get 8 hours of work done over the other 4 days.  But I probably can't occupy myself with my main project for 32 hours every week....  Wondering what I might be doing for the rest of the time.  Makes me nervous.  I think my boss would like me to do some stuff I have absolutely no interest in.

D, S and I are heading to Atlanta in early August.  Hope it's a good trip.  I have to go for work and decided to bring them along since I'm still nursing S but I can't take him to 3 days of training.  D's aunt and uncle live in Atlanta and my older brother will be there for some military training while we're there.  So, we might be able to catch up with family too and that would be pretty cool.

I miss having a fetus to call 'Le Tigre'.  But I don't miss being pregnant.  This whole experience has been pretty bizarre.  Pregnancy = open season for anyone to tell you whatever they think about pregnancy, child birth, babies, etc.  That was always strange.  Definitely don't miss the touching.  Now that he's out, people area always admiring S.  Not sure if I like that less or more than all the pregnancy wierdness. 

I have a huge zit on my shoulder blade.  And now it's time to pump.