Heading out to ride the new bike.
I'm a little nervous.

the day or so leading up to the funeral, i felt hopeful in a way - like i was going to get to see her again. then i would remind myself that she wouldn't actually be there. because she died.

i haven't been the best friend the past year or so. not keeping in touch. living vicariously through facebook postings. sharing brief messages and comments. not calling. feeling like i knew what was going on in her life. but i didn't.

walking through the airport on my way out of town i was sure that was her up ahead. that familiar walk - i'd recognize it anywhere.

i was so grateful this woman i'd never met offered to go see her with me. when i looked in the casket and saw that it wasn't her, i was so relieved. after a few moments, she asked me if i'd said my goodbyes. i only shook my head 'yes' because i didn't recognize the body. that wasn't Dawn.

What is the lesson?

Went to a work happy hour tonight. Doesn't happen often. The last time I went was probably a year and a half ago. I don't think much of the regular happy hour crew. Based on past experience, happy hour is an extension of the bitching and gossiping about work that they do during work. Pretty exciting stuff.

But tonight's happy hour was different. It wasn't just with co-workers. It was also with several former co-workers... We've had A LOT of people leave over the last 8-10 months (approx. 1 person every 2 weeks or so) and there are a few of them I'd like to see again - one in particular. So I went. It was good to catch up with her & hear how her new adventures in teaching are going.

A current co-worker told me I should go to a strip club w/ him & some other folks because I need to do something a little more "left-of-center". What? Really? I need to go to a strip club because you think I'm lame? I was more annoyed than I thought I'd be at his judgement of me. Am I lame? I mean, yes, I probably am lame. I don't go to strip clubs, or get in fights at pool halls or... really, there are a ridiculous number of things that I don't do - too many to name. I know we all make judgements about people - that's how we get through life. There's a lot of guess work and judging to do. In the 3 years I've worked there, we've never had a conversation about anything but work or some stupid nonsense going on in his life. Don't know why I'm so irritated. We get along pretty well.

I guess I judged him as a lonely guy with a tough-guy attitude to hide behind so I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Might be true. Might not.

What he thinks doesn't even matter though. It doesn't change anything about me or my life - except that I'm mildly annoyed right now. When will I stop caring what people think? I was going to say that I should at least stop caring about the opinions of those that I don't actually care about - but I realize I do care about him. I wish he wasn't lonely because that's a shitty place to be...

Rattlesnake stew

I woke up with rattlesnake stew stuck in my head yesterday. Never had it - but I'd probably give it a try if I had the opportunity, especially if Mr. Edwards was the chef.

Enjoying a Monday morning off work. The new work schedule (four 10-hour days) is a little rough so far. The first week or 2 were great - but I've run out of steam. I struggle to get through the second half of the day, my brain stops functioning... Tuesday morning's usually a big struggle - I'm never prepared. Considering going back to 5 days a week - but actually leaving at 4pm. Hm.

Went to a Quaker Meeting last night w/ my pal, Katie. I really enjoyed it. It's a fairly new meeting that's just forming. Most of the people are fairly young. We attended a meeting before the actual meeting where they talked about the beliefs of the first Quakers. It made a lot of sense to me - I felt like they were talking to me. During the actual meeting, there was an hour of silence - which didn't seem like an hour at all - where a couple of people got up & said something thoughtful. Someone talked about the struggle for balance in life & the difficulty of listening to your inner voice. I had a terrible time quieting my mind. Stupid Katy Perry songs swimming around in my head. Now that I've typed this, they're playing Katy Perry on NPR. Ugh. Get out of my head! Anyway, I'm planning to go back again. It seems like a good group. I'm hoping to find my way out of the "recovering Catholic" mindset that's kind of squashed me for a long long time. So - we'll see.

My new group started 3 weeks ago. The most diverse group so far, I think - good mix of ages, religions, races, life experiences & probably lots of other things. So far, only one girl seems different than I thought - a little less mature than I would have liked. Or I might be reading her wrong - we'll have to wait & see.

Waiting for D to get home from some work meetings. Wonder how we'll spend the rest of this beautiful day...

Myrtle & Florian come for a visit

Summer Bounty

So, here it is mid-August. D's birthday was yesterday and summer is winding down. The garden is producing insane amounts of everything these days. These pics are from late July, so a bit out of date. The tomato plants are bigger, cucumber vines are looking a little crummy, the squash plant is going crazy - but not producing many viable squash, the beans are producing like crazy... All's well plant-wise. Didn't think it would be after the seemingly endless weeks of drought. Things were looking horrible - lots of pest problems and rot on the tomatoes... Thank you rain!!

Flowers and greens! We've been seriously slacking on salad eating. Most of the letuce/arugula has already gone to seed.

Boy-oh-boy, so excited to have eggplant - not because I really love eating eggplant, because I don't - but because I've had terrible luck with it in the past and it's doing so well AND big, purple vegetables just look so darn pretty amid the sea of green leaves!
I think this was the first "big" tomato harvest (above). HA! Yesterday I picked about 50+ good size tomatoes. If only Dan liked tomatoes! I've frozen many and shared lots with folks at work. Hoping Katie can give me a canning lesson on Monday, seeing as I'm off work & all. Should be fun. This 4-day work week is pretty sweet! This time around I lucked out and got a 4-day weekend too. Could it be any better? Probably - but this is still pretty great.

Not too much going on lately. D and I spent time together last weekend not working on the house and it was grand. It hasn't happened often enough lately, though we see each other pretty frequently. It's not always quality time - either a few hours in the evening after work, eating and chilling before bed or trying to get something accomplished around the house and quite possibly getting on each others nerves in the process. Funny how that happens. We rarely got on each others nerves before, rarely argued or had any kind of disagreements. I think that phase of life is over, at least for now. We both have lots of thoughts and feelings about this house and how it should be and figuring out the best way to do something or the best compromise isn't always easy. But we're figuring it out. Spending some quality time together away from all of it certainly helps a lot. We've gotten strangely interested in Thirty Something, the old '80s tv show. I remember the theme song - I think it was on shortly after my parents sent me to bed. Strange that I sort of identify with the characters in the show, even if they're wearing horrific '80s clothing (backwards suspenders AND pleated jeans with tapered legs??? COME ON!) .

Work's going ok. Nothing too exciting. We're still on the "every 2-weeks someone quits/gives their notice OR someone new starts". This has been going on for oh, the last 8 months I think. We've lost one staff person each of the last 3 weeks. It's been a rough summer - 7 people left so far. Oh, and one guy gave his notice last week so looks like it's not over yet. Four days of work = less drama I have to witness/overhear/be around and that's pretty great. Other than that, things are going decently well. The new boss is still a bit wack - but it's probably always like that when someone is hired from outside the organization. How do they make effective decisions when they have no idea what's going on, or very little? I don't know. But I hope he figures everything out soon.

Recruited a fantastic new crew. I'm pretty excited to get them on board. Possibly the most diverse group yet! Different ages, ethnicities & races, religions... Should be good! Plus, they're all really fabulous people. Inspiring. That's one of the coolest things about my job. I get to decide who I want to work with and who other people get to work with/work along side. I know I don't want to work w/ any dill holes, so I try to steer clear of 'em. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. So far, we've got one huge pain in my ass - but I didn't recruit her, so it's not on me! Her department was already complaining that she was horrible on day 4... of 365. This could be a long year.

Huh. I think I'm too tired. Got nothing else to say. Met another really nice neighbor this morning. Our block is pretty great.

Monday Night Ramblings

My mind is spinning out of control and my heart is pounding a little bit. I feel like I could run a marathon - which isn't good for 10:30 at night. Not good at all. Been feeling out of sorts lately. Anxious. Stressed out. Irritable. Haven't had much time to myself lately - at least it feels that way. Things have been nutty at work for the past few weeks. Restructuring with the new department head. I'll spare you the drama and just say I got a promotion. It wasn't without a fight - cuz they wanted me to take on the full time work of (2) people... and pay me less than the guy who currently does the other job that I don't currently do - all while my supervisor was out of town for the week. Very shady dealings for sure. Huh... In my mind, it's just a mass of confusion. Long conversations. Me advocating for myself - cuz if I don't, who else will? It was super exciting and terrible.

It's all resolved now that my supervisor's back. I'm taking on SOME extra responsibility. What the responsibility entails is still a little gray. I've been assured this is a 40 hour per week gig (though my current responsibilities, none of which I'm relinquishing, often require more than 40 hours per week). Not sure I believe it, so that's why I argued for a higher salary. Shit, if I'm spending MORE time at work, they best pay me for it! Anyway, negotiated the raise and (4) 10 hour days instead of (5) 8's, which I'm pretty pumped about. I'm looking forward to some canning w/ Farmers Katie & Anna later this summer (woo hoo!) and hopefully just some time to chill out, in addition to having time to work on our place.

I had some caffeine this morning. This is fairly unusual for me in my old age. I used to drink coffee like a fish in high school, college and a few years after college. Gave it up due to an unhappy gut. Now I'm incredibly sensitive to it. I feel like I'm on speed. Not that I've ever done speed. I don't think I ever did anyway. Seriously though, I'm SO much more productive at work when I have some caffeine. I can FOCUS and accomplish things - which is really difficult in my office because it's crazy loud and people are talking and asking questions ALL DAY. It's so hard to get anything done. But I got a crap load accomplished this morning. It was GREAT. I'm swimming in stupid paperwork trying to finish up the service year with my band of cool kids and goof balls - and recruit the next group, which is going fairly well (recruitment, that is) and I'm pretty pumped about it - but I don't think I'll ever like/love any group as much as I do my first group. I literally LOVE them. I see them occasionally and I feel warm and squishy love. I don't know what it's like being a parent, but I liken it to parenting, possibly. I just want the best for 'em. And, they're adorable. Ugh. I miss 'em.

Ok - that was a long ramble. Dan's home and he has agreed to go on a short walk w/ me which I think would help. I was outside planting seeds until 10pm. The neighbors thing I'm nutty... Side note - we went to my former boss's birthday gathering on Friday - which was a bunch of adults with toddlers and small children hanging out - and he offered us pot brownies. So bizarre. He used to go by the name Radiance, so I guess it's not THAT bizarre... But he's got a wife, 2 kids and is about to purchase a minivan. The pot brownies seem out of place.

And now the walk.