Not sure if I should keep this blog or just be done with it.  I'm clearly having trouble keeping up with it...

Feeling like a big shit at the moment.  One of the folks I supervise at work is homeless, which I have known for the last few weeks.  He's been staying with a friend and I've thought about it a bit here and there, what it might be like to be in his shoes.  And I went on with my day.  At the end of the day today we had a chat about his recent tardiness and he shared that he was put out of his friend's place the previous day.  I asked what we could do to help, reached out to his case manager and some folks at my work, then headed home for the day.  But I didn't ask him if he had a place to go tonight. I don't know why. It just didn't occur to me.  And as I was wrapping things up at work, I started to feel a little bit sick. I have a home to return to at the end of the day, plenty of food, clothes, cars...  I have a LOT.  I suppose I'm lucky and he's unlucky. I'm fortunate and not.  I know that I cannot solve his homelessness issue - but I continue to ask myself "What can I do to lighten his load?" as I'm certain this is a heavy burden to bear.

I think I have more empathy towards people now than I used to and I feel much more connected to others, whether I know them personally or not. I feel responsible to do something, to help lighten the load. Life is heavy and if we're not supporting each other, the weight can be unbearable sometimes.

 

Sleep

You know when you're in the depths of exhaustion and all you want to do is sleep, and you can't?  That's me right now.  This baby is now 7 and a half months and still wakes 2-3x night.  Big brother's in a similar spot.  I haven't sleep more than 2 hours in a row in I don't know how long.  Tonight, Dan offered to let me sleep in the spare room.  So I went to bed at 9.  I was still lying awake at 11:30, no sleep in sight.  Figuring it had to do with being in a weird room, I went back to my room, only to wake the baby and cause a big fuss.  And then continue to lay with the 2 of them not sleeping.

I'm so, so tired.

I made the stupid mistake of reading a work email before bed.  I'm worrying about my stupid job, which I am very unhappy with at the moment.  It's making me insane.  I'm sharing this nonsense here in hopes of getting at least a little sleep before this night is over.

2 weeks into my maternity leave, in early March, I was informed that the program I manage was not going to be funded after the current term ended.  We received funding to host it, but were having financial issues on our end and couldn't fund the remaining portion.  And, we'd been having a lot of challenges with the program so all in all, I think it was a good decision to take a step back and re-evaluate.  But of course at the time I freaked out that I was losing my job.  It coincided with layoffs and I was told that my position had been eliminated.  Our CEO planned to host the program again in 1 years time and wondered if I could take an extended leave, coming back to work when we host again.  My post partum brain was panicking and I really wasn't sure what would be best so I said I really needed to keep my benefits and if I was not able to keep a position, I would have to seek work elsewhere.  So, they decided to keep me because one of our high level staff members "really values me".  Anyway...

Fast forward 7 months.  My program ended about 6 weeks ago.  I had a few weeks where I didn't have much of anything to do.  And what I was given to do was so pointless, I didn't do it because I didn't want to.  I have no direct supervisor and no position.  My schedule requires me to be in the office 3 days per week and then work from home at least 6 hours each week.  Meeting my hourly obligation became a real challenge. 

Our CEO assigned me a proposal to write for a program I knew little about.  Seemed interesting but I didn't quite understand what I needed to write - what the format should be, what information to include.  I drug my feet a bit.  I provided him with a very rough draft.  I met with a former colleague who had some experience related to the program I was to draft and I was able to do a little more writing.  At approximately the same time, I received 2 other drafting projects from another high level staff member who "really values me".  The first project was a quick turn around.  The second project was much larger, came with no constraints and little information on what was needed, and no deadline.  Shortly thereafter, my son was injured and I missed some work to care for him.

I'm laying here listening to the baby cry and kicking myself for waking here up earlier.

Anyway, I was then told by the staff member who "really values me" that I was not to work on anything else until I completed the drafting project for him, though he still did not provide any details.  So - I spent many hours and days working on this project - came up with different floor plans, etc - only to be told I was to stick with the original plan he'd provided.  I scrapped those and went with what he originally asked for though it didn't fit with the space provided.  He didn't give any additional feedback so I continued to work and came up with some better options.  He selected a version (most like what he'd originally asked for) and I continued to finish the set of plans. 

Anticipating the end of the drafting project and being able to wrap up the other proposal, I spoke with my former supervisor about creating a real position for myself.  I told him what I was interested in, we talked about what some options might be and he said I should speak with our CEO first.  So, I scheduled a meeting with our CEO and my former supervisor for early the following week.

The day before I completed the set of plans, the other staff member decided to scrap nearly every constraint he'd provided.  "Why don't we move this here?  Why don't we try this?  Why...????"  I'd already tried those things.  In fact, that's where I started my process, because it made a lot more sense than what he'd asked.  So much frustration and wasted time!!!!  And then he told me this set of plans was "just to get past permitting", that we would actually decide what we were going to build in the field.  We could amend the plans later.  What?  What?!?!?

How is that helpful to anyone?  How is anyone else supposed to do their job? 

Rage.  Blind rage.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I spent ALL THIS TIME working on something that didn't need to be precise because it didn't matter... because it wasn't actually going to be used. 

I finished the set of drawings, which took 1/2 day longer than I'd anticipated.  I spent the little time I had left working on the proposal.  Sent it off to another high up staff member for feedback only to find out that it is (of course) needed ASAP. 

I want to do a good job on this thing, because I don't like doing shitty work.  And, I'm in this position at the moment where I feel I need to prove I'm useful - because I kinda need to prove I'm useful.  And, I've got this meeting with our CEO scheduled for early this week to talk about my future...  but I can't finish the proposal because I.CAN'T.SLEEP.

And if I can't sleep, I can't think.  My brain literally doesn't work.  So here I am freaking out and unable to sleep...

If I don't turn in this proposal by Monday, I have no leg to stand on at my meeting with our CEO.

And, I hate that our baby is crying.  I just want to snuggle her up. 

Even more than that, I just want to S.L.E.E.P.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 more days until I head back to work.  I can't believe it.  I feel panicked.  Anxious.  I really really really do not want to go.  The first 2 months adjusting to our family of 4 were rough.  The third month was a honeymoon of sorts.  I was getting a decent amount of sleep, being reasonably productive around the house, things felt balanced for the first time in a looong time.  Wow.  Balance.  It's been elusive since S was born.  And then it slowly crept back in.  Aaah.  And it was nice.  D and I both thought so and really appreciated the fact that I was home.  The last few weeks have been much more stressful than I would've liked - trying to get some things done in the kitchen before I go back and biting off more than I/we can chew.  And generally just freaking out about going back to work.  For a good stretch there, I thought I wouldn't really have to go back.  Almost 4 months off seemed like a lifetime.  Surely we'd figure out how to make it so I wouldn't have to go back if I didn't want to. 

In all honesty, we did not prepare for me to leave the workforce - just take a short break.  So, it is what it is.  I'm going back.  Someone else will be caring for both of our children in the meantime and that just sucks.  There have been so many times in the last few weeks/months that I've thought, "I can't get enough of them.  I could eat them up!"  One of the things I've appreciated most is being on better terms with S.  I'm not sure if it's age - he's growing up - or my being around more, but we get along much better.  He seems to have leveled out a bit.  Not so many tantrums.  And I think part of it is because I've been around all the time.  It's felt very comfortable for me.  I wouldn't doubt if he feels a bit more secure now too.  And I'm so sad to lose that!

As of next Tuesday, he'll be going to preschool (!).  I know.  School?  Well, anyway, it is what it is.  Once he adjusts to his new surroundings, I really think he'll love it!  The toys, the new friends, learning new things!  He'll have a blast.  Anna, on the other hand, is likely going to have a hell of a time adjusting.  We've been apart maybe 4 times in nearly 4 months, for 2-3 hours each time.  She doesn't like to take a bottle from anyone.  She wants to be snuggled ONLY by me when she's super tired/cranky/upset.  I know she'll be fine in the end, but she's going to be so distressed for the first several days and probably not eating well at all.  And that makes me feel like crap.  If only I could bring her to work with me!  Or - even better - I could just stay home!

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ding Day!

Big D and I played hookie today.  What a nice way to spend a day - without kiddo, catching up, shooting the breeze and doing a few necessary things together.  Had my glucose test, had breakfast at Bob Evan's, shopped for some new appliances (we are currently without a functioning kitchen) and went to a movie.  Pretty much a full day date!  We didn't find appliances, which isn't the end of the world.  But we talked, about all sorts of things - and many of them didn't involve S!  Seems rare these days. 

Still no name for baby #2, but we've still got some time to figure that out.

Slacking off

I'm enjoying the lull between service terms at work.  Most folks have been gone about a week.  Sigh of relief!  Immediately having a lot less going on has been awesome.  And at the same time, I feel like there's almost no point in going to work.  Transitioning from supporting/helping/putting out immediate fires to planning, etc is rough.  This term was incredibly challenging for many people (including me), and in ways that are mostly just frustrating as hell, not productive.  The challenges have escalated a bit and it may end up (I hope) with a staff member's departure.  I honestly don't think things can be salvaged at this point.  Working through all of that has been insanely stressful - lots of lost sleep, playing & replaying possible conversations with the big boss in my head, hearing a lot of the same negative feedback from many, many people... Ugh.  July is an ugly month.

And now it's over!

New folks arrive in 3 weeks. 

Other than that, planning to attend my big bro's wedding in mid-September.  I'm not used to wedding attendance that requires this much planning.  The event is in Cape Cod, at a country club with a strict dress code (no jeans, cargo shorts, men & boys must wear sport coats...).  Should be interesting.  We're sharing a big New England house with my parents (who are still separated), my siblings, spouses & kiddos.  Hopefully that all goes well.  We'll see! 

Planning to tear the hell out of our kitchen, for real this time, this fall.  Now that we've got a new window, we just need to finalize a cabinet plan & find affordable cabinets! 

S's been pretty great the last week or so.  Not so much pushing boundaries as he was, which has been nice.  Pleasant, chatty as ever.  Tonight at dinner, he asked D, "How was your day?"  I don't think he really expected an answer - he was just repeating familiar dialogue.  But it was cute & nice to hear.  He's been going to the sitter 3-days a week probably since May (instead of 2-days/week).  Today was the first time we've had a Monday together since April I guess.  Other than getting blood drawn first thing this morning (which sucks for any 2-yr old, I'm sure), the rest of the day was pretty great.  I did no work until this evening.  And even then, it was a brief hour of work. 

And now, to bed. 

What's on my mind

The thing is, I don't know where to start.  My mind is so full of everything, there's no space left to allow for movement or breathe.

I took a lot of time off (from work) in December and early January.  Like 4 weeks, though not consecutive.  It was an awesome and much needed break.  And, it was a little terrible.  By the end of it, I was going so nutty being at home with Samuel - because there's no adult time or conversation, there's nothing else to focus on or work towards...  I couldn't take it.  To be fair, he was also recovering from a double ear infection and travel-related sleep disturbances (super whiny).  When I finally went back to work, I was so excited.  Relieved even.  Glad that I had this other part of my life - where I go and focus on things that aren't related to my home or toddlers.  I focus on things that are important to me outside of all the personal stuff.

And, I was SO relaxed when I went back to work.  Also, excited.  

Fast-forward 4 weeks and I've gotten completely lost. More lost than I've felt in a long time.  Like existential crisis lost.  "Why the hell do I have this job" lost.  Before we had a child, I lived work in a lot of ways.  It was a lot of what I talked about and thought about.  It consumed me.  I never felt like I had time to do all the things I wanted to do.  But I was engaged in my work and (most of the time) I enjoyed going to work.

Since having a child, I've struggled to feel like I have any kind of balance in my life.  I can't focus the way I used to, on work, or on anything else. It's constant ups and downs.  There's too much to do - with S, with our house, at work, making time for socializing, exercise, down time, cooking healthy food, flossing, trying to look decent, sleeping... It's a never ending list.  And what I hear from other parents is that it doesn't get easier.  Maintaining balance is a fantasy.  I'm not sure I can handle the lack of balance.  I am almost drowning most of the time.

The funny thing is that I've wanted the ability to focus more on one part of my job - the part I've most enjoyed - ever since I started.  That finally happened this year and I'm feeling really miserable about it.  I miss being involved in the other stuff.  I don't feel challenged by the "stuff I enjoy" most of the time.  That doesn't mean it's not occasionally challenging, stressful and occasionally rewarding.  It is.  But it doesn't feel right.  I think I've created a monster/built a job that doesn't fit me.  And I don't think I can go backward because what existed before is no longer.  And I have a really hard time having a job that I don't care about - working just for a paycheck, to keep my benefits.  The thought of it makes me ill.

I also thought we'd be tearing the hell out of our kitchen by now.  But that's just not happening - or not yet.  Turns out our budget is quite small for the size of our project.  So, we'll need to come up with some more economical ways to do things. This likely means more sweat equity on our part, which is not music to our ears.  I'm really tired of living in a half-complete house.  We've been here almost 4.5 years yet we've never "moved in".  We've never personalized the place at all.  I never thought I'd want to hire someone else to do everything, because I've been all about doing things myself/ourselves for ever.  But, dammit, if I could afford to pay other people to do it all, I would!  Lesson learned.  I am not my father.  :)

Wow, this is incredibly negative.  Odd that I feel so negative about so many things and still very much appreciate this life that I have.  I'm incredibly lucky.



 

I need a new journal.

If we had a tv, I'd sure would've spent my last few evenings staring at it.  Instead, I look at the interwebs, hoping to find something that can suck me in - at least for a little while.  I feel like I can't do anything.  The laundry is piling, piling, piling.  And the dirty dishes, along with other chores.  Maybe I'm grieving?  But the news wasn't a shock.  This turn of events has been in the works for as long as I can remember.  I can't recall a time when this didn't seem like a good idea - the only solution.  And so, the fact that it finally arrived is not shocking.  But it's definitely surprising...  that this thing that seemed to be the answer, that was talked about and thought about so often but never arrived has finally arrived.

I can't process it.

I don't know what life is like from this point forward.  How do we spend time together now?  Will all 6 of us never be together again?  It's not the end of the world, but it's strange for sure. 

It's funny.  I think about it, and I start wondering how one or both of them are feeling or doing or whatever.  And it makes me feel uncomfortable - because I don't know what to say or what to do.  Because there's really not much I can do.  It's not about me.  (And that's nice, honestly.)  But the uncomfortable feeling is one that I have to fight because it makes me want to ignore them.  Not treat them like the fragile humans they are, with thoughts and feelings.  I have to push those thoughts out and call anyway.  We can't always be graceful.  Hell, if you know me, you know I don't have a graceful bone in my body.  I'm completely awkward. So, I might as well call and have the awkward conversation. 

Going home for Christmas now seems way more complicated and stressful than it ever was before... even though this is the first time in 11 years that D has a full week off.  Now home isn't really home.  There will be even more places to go now that it's separate.

It's been a while...

It's strangely warm here.  I just finished priming some trim outside while listening to This American Life.  I owe a lot of my productivity to that show.  It makes painful chores a lot less painful.  I don't find painting all that painful - just kind of boring when I'm by myself.  I absolutely despise washing dishes - so much so that I have frequent thoughts of burning down our house when the kitchen is a disaster.  Ira Glass makes it better.

I'm surprised that I was productive this evening, even with Ira.  I am beat.  Exhausted.  Haven't gotten much sleep lately and I can only blame myself because Dan's been out late at rehearsal most nights.  I've either been working late or goofing around and not getting to bed at a decent hour.  Since I was off today, we went to the gym this morning and I spend 1 full hour exercising - running and then stretching.  It was amazing.  I forgot how great it makes me feel and how much more productive I can be.

I must not be very bright.  When I'm busy or stressed or both, I forget all of the important things I need to do to maintain sanity and health.  I don't take breaks, drink water, eat, exercise.  I end up feeling miserable, partially because of whatever is stressing me out but all the stuff just makes it worse.  It's honestly not that hard to remember.

Exercise.  Eat good food.  Drink water.  Sleep.  These are very very basic and yet I continue to stumble over them, over and over again.  It's embarrassing to be 36 and not be able to get that part right.  No wonder things feel so crazy sometimes.

Maybe I learned it this time around...?

I found out today...

That my previous boss passed away yesterday.  He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in mid-May and had less than 3 weeks to live.  Wow.  I'd thought about him from time to time in the last 2+ years since he lost his job.  He was a very nice man.  Very different than my current boss.  My current boss kicks ass at with brilliant ideas and he's incredibly knowledgeable.  He's also "nice" but not someone I trust.  He doesn't deal with stress and frustration well at all - screaming at people, throwing folks under the bus left and right.  He can be pretty nasty.  Though he's never blown up at me, he makes me feel like a kid again.  I feel anxious and anticipate that he will lose it and completely blow up at me - and then I would totally lose it.  It's no fun to feel like a ball of knots.

I had forgotten how much I liked my previous boss until I looked back at this old blog post I'd written the day I found out he lost his job.   He was a pretty great guy.  Not too good at the job, but a really great guy.  Lots of integrity.  Everything was really chaotic and stressful when I worked with him - which may or may not have had anything to do with him - I much preferred working with him than the current kick-ass time-bomb.  I was sure I'd run into him somewhere, sometime...  It just never happened and now I know it won't happen.  And I feel sad about that. 

I'm sure getting fired is shitty.  But it's also shitty for the people who worked with them - because it's like they died.  They're just gone.  No explanation.  And everything continues in their absence.  Time continues to pass.  Projects move forward.  New people are hired.  Other people move on. 

But he didn't die.  Until yesterday.

Life is strange.

Missing gal pals

If you were here I'd probably tell you that Samuel's finally confident enough to walk across the room - so exciting! Work is exciting, frustrating and really busy these days.  I think we're headed in the right direction but I have no idea when we'll actually get THERE.  It seems like we never get THERE.  I'm not sure who's actually steering this ship.  I'd probably tell you a lot more about it and it might get really really boring.  So maybe it's good that you're not here.  :)

Life feels a little exciting in general.  Probably due to the unknown - or what I consider the unknown - about Dan's job situation at the end of summer.  Sure, it makes me anxious and nervous.  But there's not much to do about that at the moment.  Hopefully I won't use the entirety of his 10 weeks off to work myself into the ground.  Would be nice to enjoy a bit more time together, some family time, and maybe get some things accomplished around the house.  Aaah.  The never-ending list of to-do's.  (Yeah, I know that doesn't get an apostrophe but it looks stupid without it...)

We/I joined a babysitting coop recently.  Sat for 2 other kids, a baby and our kid last Sunday for a few hours.  It was a bit hairy but not too bad.  Looking forward to having other folks hang out with our kid so we can accomplish something around here. (For $0!)  That probably won't go very well because our kid spends so much time with us.  He tends to freak out when he's in a new environment without one of us.  Good example - day care at the gym.  Let's hope that gets better real soon!

A good buddy who I thought completely fell off the face of the earth suddenly reappeared the other day.  I couldn't believe it.  Might be seeing her this Friday.  Trying not to get my hopes up too much as it might not pan out. 

I've been thinking so much about work lately that I'm having a good deal of trouble sleeping.  Never fun.  It's not that I'm worrying about work - I'm a little anxious about all the things I need to do and would like to do.  And I'm excited to have the freedom to do them.  Just not sure I can get it all done and I don't quite have a handle on prioritizing these things because there are just so many and of course I have limited/almost no supervision.  Some people might kill for no supervision but I need it, at least every once in a while. 

It's raining a lot these days.  The garden's looking good but the plants seem somewhat stunted compared to other gardens...  Wonder why.  Whatever - as long as the veggie plants don't fail, it's fine. 

Love you but chest and but check

I hope that was nothing more than auto-correct

Spring Forward

I'm tired.  True.  I think I'm always tired.  The boy finally started sleeping through the night a bit this past week.  It's pretty inconsistent, but I don't care - I'll take it.  The first night it happened, I was awake for hours in the middle of the night wondering if he was okay.  I gave in and checked on him (he's usually such a light sleeper that this would wake him).  He didn't stir even though I rested my hand on his belly.  Huh. 

Finally started some seeds for the garden today.  Feels good to get that off the list.  It's been on the list for 4 weeks, I think.  Glad to make some progress.  Now I just hope the seeds grow!  D always says that's what they do so I shouldn't worry about it.  But, I worry anyway.  This time, I purchased organic seeds, meaning not genetically modified.  What that really means is they were crazy expensive AND they probably won't have as high a germination rate as the regular gmo seeds.  Fingers crossed they do indeed grow!

The little dude is cute as a button.  I think his cuteness might at some point become problematic.  Because we talk about it all the time.  Seems unhealthy hear this kind of thing so much - how good one looks.  I'm nervous about monitoring what I say and do.  I wouldn't say we're BAD examples but I can't say I'd want a little person walking around in the world acting exactly like either one of us - or both of us.  Profanity, burping, farting...  It all needs to be toned down or stopped.  How does one create balance here?  I would like to still be myself WHILE setting a good example.  Is this possible?  Probably.  We just have to figure it out. 

4 years and 10 days...

Until I turn 4-0.
What the what?  That's insane!!

Anyway, long time no write.  Life has been busy, true.  Busier all the time.  The little dude agrees.  He's been dragging himself across the floor for more than a month now.  I'm not sure he'll ever get what I consider "real crawling" down.  It might always be a modified worm.  Either way, he's mobile.  Mobile enough to roll right off the changing table and if that wasn't enough to scare the life out of me...  Our first and hopefully only ambulance ride.  I feel a little silly about that now, but not really.  How could I have taken him anywhere myself?  He couldn't keep his eyes open, couldn't see or hear me, was vomiting and wimpering.  I couldn't really put the boy in his rear facing car seat and just hope he stayed awake until we got to a hospital.  Right?

Suffice it to say that it was an incredibly traumatic experience for all of us.  At his 9 month check-up this morning, our pediatrician said that we will need to be the most vigilant in watching him during the next 9 months as it will take him at least that long to develop any sort of impulse control.  Huh.  I'm nervous that we won't do a good job keeping an eye on him/keeping him safe.  I suppose we need to spend some time doing some serious baby-proofing. 

What else is going on?  Been super busy at work these days.  Planning an event that I dreamed up in addition to taking care of my routine tasks.  Why do I dream up additional work for myself you might ask.  Well, it's the only thing keeping me going at this point, on the work front.  It's new, challenging, a little exciting...  I'm so frustrated with my supervisor and his inability supervising, I could tear out all of my hair and his.  And he's got a lot of hair.  (As I do.)

So, work's busy.  Big D is busy with regular work and then theater stuff on top of that, so we haven't had much relaxing hang out time as of late.  Poo.  One more week and then things may settle down a bit.

My one remaining grand parent has developed something called "Sundowners", which seems to mean she goes completely insane as soon as the sun starts to set. Her sanity doesn't resume until the sun rises the following day.  This is a bizarre phenomenon.  I don't understand how this works or why this happens.  Would it still happen if she couldn't see the sun/moon?  Is it like turning into a werewolf, only less cool?   I'm sure my mom would tell me it's nothing like werewolf.  Wish I lived closer so I could be of some help or support to her.  She's done pretty much all the care taking for both of her parents during their final years and it's really worn her down.

Our baby will be 1 year old in less than 3 months.  That seems completely ridiculous.  I find that so hard to believe.  At 25lbs, he doesn't seem that much like a baby anymore.  Huh.  I'm a bit conflicted about weaning.  I fancy us all sleeping through the night (but mostly me since I haven't had the opportunity to do that in 9 long months) but I also enjoy our quiet time together at night when he nurses.  And, it's only 1x night which is sooooo much better than when he was a wee tiny baby.  I barely even remember what he was like then.

Earlier this evening, when I was feeding the dude some dinner (lentils, which he liked & spinach, which he continues to dislike), there was a horrible crash of what sounded like heavy metal items.  I happened to be on the phone with my mom at the time and she thought it may have been a traffic accident outside. It felt so close, I was (and still am) certain that the noise came from inside our house.  I hate this kind of stuff - scary stuff that you can't see.  Ugh.  It's like a movie.  Anyway, I walked all over the housing hold the phone and talking to my mom.  Didn't find a thing.  And no, it wasn't a traffic accident.  The only other thing it could be is a person or animal hiding out under the crawlspace at the back of our house.  I took a brief walk out there but didn't feel brave enough to go poking around by myself.  If that was the case though, wouldn't there have been foot prints (animal or human) in the snow?

I am totally creeping myself out.
 

In my next life, I don't want to be a procrastinator

That is all.

I gotta get some sleep

Somehow, I forgot to include the following event in the few blog posts I've written this year.   This accomplishment was significant for me because I have an overwhelming fear of heights.  When I'm in a high place, it's as if the very top of my head is the heaviest part of my body.  I feel I have no choice but to fall from where ever I am.  I know it's ridiculous.  My colleague, Roger, who was filling in for me while I was out on maternity leave, planned a reflection and team building day for our exiting service members at a high ropes course. (!?!?!)  Yeah, I would've never taken anyone there.  We spent most of the day on ropes so low to the ground that I didn't expect anything like our high ropes course.  When I first set eyes on it, I immediately began to panic.  I sat out, gave someone else my harness, tried to breathe and not cry.  But eventually I gave in and flipped the hell out.  I started bawling.  "I can't do this, I can't do this.  I'm too afraid."  The facilitators reassured me that I didn't have to do anything that I wasn't comfortable with, which was cool.  We had such a great group of AmeriCorps members last year.  They totally supported me and somehow I managed to do this.  I made it through the whole course. 

There are lots of things that I never thought I'd be able to do - and some of them I truly haven't done or even tried.  I've also tried a good many things and succeeded at more than I thought I could.  It's a good reminder that people are adaptible, flexible and resilient.  It's been a year of new and unexpected challenges and today, I'm feeling pretty okay about it all.  A few days ago, maybe not so much.  Right now, I'm treading water and feeling good.   

Today

Today marks 7 months since we tossed the nickname Le Tigre aside.  Can't believe it's been that long.  Crazy! 

And, while searching for pics on our camera, I came across a series of these from last January's Fake Thanksgiving with the Schluetermetz family and Uncle Rico.  Boy do I miss these guys.  (Sorry - didn't have the time/energy to crop it.)  Strange to think that next time we hang out, there will be another person in the photo...

I've been away from work since last Wednesday - a total of 5 days.  And yet, I think I'm more stressed out now than I was when I left work.  It's pretty much all I've thought about, which is just so stupid.  Why?  Ugh.  Why do I spend time worrying about work when I have all kinds of stuff going on right here in front of my face?  People that I enjoy being with.  And yet, I gave in to stupid work stress instead of enjoying what's here now.  It's almost like I wasted 5 days.  Pretty stupid.

Thanksgiving Eve

I feel like I can't post anything these days unless I include some photos, so here are some older ones - from the summer, I think.  When I haven't much to do, I enjoy flipping through photos and watching the little video clips of the dude's life thus far.  I can't believe he's nearly 7 months old.  Blows my mind.

Speaking of blowing my mind, we got some "adult" furniture for our living room recently.  What is adult furniture?  Well, it's not a lumpy, stained futon and a bunch of other random stuff.  It's an upholstered couch, chair and loveseat with pillows - and they all match for once.  I had no idea it would feel so nice to have things that matched and were in good shape.  But damn, it feels nice.  And, it's used stuff too, which feels even better.  I'll still be sad when the dude pukes on it or draws on it, but not that sad.

Not too much else going on these days.  Turkey day is tomorrow and this is the first year ever that we're actually doing NOTHING.  Strange and a little sad, but again it's not that sad.  The dude does not do that well on long car rides, so lengthy travel was out.  Katie, the north American wanderer, is currently wandering in Africa so our most recent Thanksgiving tradition was off the radar.  I suppose it's fitting that we need to come up with our own thing - but we might just be tired enough and lazy enough to consider it nothing more than another day, at least this year.    I can only speak for myself, and I think I am just tired enough and lazy enough to do nothing.  :)

You know, 7 months ago when I went on maternity leave, I had a hard time disengaging from work but I looked forward to being away for a while and hoped that some things would straighten themselves out during my absence.  But reality was not that kind, of course.  Nothing was different when I returned - it was just messier than when I'd left because things had been ignored for many moons.  I've been back to work for more than 4 months now and it feels like everything is just sliding down into a big black pit.  My job has always had its ups and downs - highs and lows - times with heavy stress and other times with little stress.  But I've generally been able to maintain a positive outlook, felt that things would improve despite the current hardship.  I'm not sure I feel that now - or it might just be that I have so many other things going on in my life that I can't take on that much stress and deal with it as well.  I'm dealing poorly at the moment, and that feels bad.  I have yet to figure out what to do about it.  Do I go to the CEO and talk about my concerns or is that just shooting myself in the foot?  I'm not trusting enough to find out at the moment.

And, the fact that I was just sitting here with my eyes closed and my arms crossed, resting peacefully, tells me that I need to go to sleep.  Good night!

Quiet Sunday

Just looking through photos of Samuel's first 3 months and I stumbled upon this one.  It's from July, so it's  not recent - but I like it.  The dude and I spend a lot of time rocking in this chair.  It's a family heirloom from my Mom's grandparents.  Super comfy rocker.

Not too much going on.  Samuel's currently sleeping.  He's been asleep since about 6pm, which ain't too shabby.  Not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the evening.  I'm pretty tired, so I might call it an early night.  He'll be up early anyhow since daylight savings time just ended and his sleep has not adjusted yet. 

Um...  yeah, not really inspired to write anything at the moment.  I feel happy.  Enjoying family life and having a baby/kid.  Looking forward to all the fun things we will do someday in the future (playing games, etc), feeling a little sad that the dude is growing up so fast, and I'm really looking forward to hanging out with him again when he wakes up. 

Other than that, I think I would be way more productive at home if I was more organized with my home tasks.  If I wrote down the things I could do when I have a few minutes, and then if I actually did them, that would be pretty amazing.  I'm considering taking this on.  Got a new planner at work - the Un Calendar - which has helped me be a bit more organized with work stuff and I'm appreciating it.  But, I'm a dork and I very much enjoy writing things down, making lists and organizing things, so... 

Chocolate ice cream?

 "Hey there, fat little man!  You don't look like you miss too many meals."

That's how this random guy at this morning's farmer's market greeted Samuel, who is indeed looking especially tubby and well fed these days. 

The days are just flying by.  In the past 6 weeks, my Mom stayed for 12 days, Dan's parents stayed for 4 days and Dan's sister and her hubby stayed for a few days this past week.  Late August was crazy busy at work, preparing for the new crew.  The beginning of September was similarly crazy, orienting the new crew.  And now, life is just rolling on by.  I keep thinking that the days will slow down at some point, leaving me with plenty of time to catch up on all the errands I semi-desparately need to do.  The top of the list includes: get a haircut (I have that post-pregnancy hair falling out thing going on), get some new glasses (the paint is chipping off my frames something fierce), get some new work shoes (the soles are almost completely unglued on the oldies).  Alas, I'm not sure how to do all these things with Samuel in tow.  I probably need to figure that out.

So, the boy is now 5 months old.  Crazy.  He really does change ALL the time.  It's pretty wild.  Tonight, as I was preparing dinner, I happened to notice him falling asleep on the baby monitor.  (Yes, ours has a camera.  Don't judge - it's handy and I like it!)  For some reason, I felt so incredibly happy and lucky as I watched him drift off to sleep.  I can't believe I have a kid.  And, he's so great and happy and all around wonderful.  Even though he peed all over me while I was getting him ready for a bath tonight.  Huh.  How is it that I feel like I'm floating and I'm drowning almost simultaneously?  Being present in the moment with him brings on the floating and when I realize all of the other things I need to accomplish (working from home several hours per week being one of them), I feel my head go under water a little bit.

I have to work tomorrow.  Not looking forward to it.  Taking Samuel along because Dan's working and it's a Sunday.  I hang out with him on Sunday and I don't intend to lose my hanging out with him time just because I have to go to work.  We'll see how that pans out.  ;)

So far, Dan's and my schedules have worked out decently in terms of allowing us to cover child care needs (with the exception of all the visiting Grandparent babysitters).  Our schedules overlap this Tuesday soSamuel is going to spend it in the care of someone else and that just feels weird.  My ex-colleague's hubby, who is a stay-at-home-dad is going to watch him.  Hope it goes well and he doesn't flip out when I have to leave him.

Trying to figure out how to get him to sleep through the night - or at least longer than 4 hours.  He had some "regular" 6 and 7 hour sleeps a few months ago but they have not returned.  I can't stomach the "cry it out" thing - at least not yet.  At the same time, there's something in me telling me we need to do it and get it over with.  He really doesn't need to eat every 4 hours, 3 hours, 2 hours during the night.  He's just having trouble staying asleep.  Ugh.  I do not look forward to it.  I know he needs to be able to sleep well on his own and I totally support that.  I'm also selfish and I don't want to lose any more of my sleep than absolutely necessary.  I want the sleep thing to be easy.    

I think my sleep deprivation has hit a new high/low.  I heard what I thought was an intruder breaking into our house last night when I was asleep.  I jumped out of bed, ran into the living room and confronted this dark figure at the front door.  The whole thing felt very much like one of those dreams where something really bad is happening and I can't seem to speak or move... except I was able to do both.  I yelled out, "HEY!"  And I followed it with, "Get out of our house!" because what else do you yell at someone who has broken in?  And then Dan said, "Hi.  It's just me."  It didn't register right away, that this stranger was Dan and nt really a stranger.  "What?  What?"  I stood there not knowing what to do, overwhelmed with adrenaline and confusion.  And then I just started sobbing.  I was so freaked out and confused and relieved.  The walk back to our bedroom was slow and uncomfortable because my leg muscles were still taught and shaking.  At that point I realized only 20 minutes had passed since I turned out the light to go to sleep.       

I'm really glad my Mom is coming tomorrow.  She's going to stay for about 12 days.  I'm hopeful that by then I'll be ready for all the newbies at work.  If everything goes exceptionally well, I'll have gotten some rest, had some dates with my hubby and tackled some much needed weeding too.  Oh, and a new pair of glasses.  And maybe some shoes for work too.  Yeah, the list of stupid things I need to do just keeps growing and growing.  It's infinitely longer than this.  How do people do this, especially in the absence of local family help?

Ugh.