Lino's House

This is the place we keep looking at & thinking about...

Front w/ wacky awnings & lots of trees...

West side yard - big & sunny for gardening!

"Back yard"

East side yard w/ patio

Half the living room w/ our realtor

Other half of the living room (future 3rd bedroom?)

Dining room

Kitchen (wish we could have the table & chairs..)

Office - open to kitchen

1st floor bath - I mean 1/2 bath... There's no tub/shower!

1st bedroom

2nd bedroom

Basement (w/ darkroom)


Basement shower - walls of siding (3 different types) - not tall enough for Dan to stand up in

Saturday's harvest:

swiss chard, basil, green onions, beets, lettuce, carrots

random phone pics

dan driving, 2007

close up of dan in bed, 2007

me in the kitchen, 2007

more of the same, 2007

katie modeling her straw hat, 2007

cabinet doors i made at my previous job, 2007

me at my previous job, 2007

bottle cap katie, 2007

ricky elz in our kitchen, 2007

mom & grandma playing cards, 2007

U2 in 3D, my birthday, 2008

2 snakes in my compost pile - can you see 'em? 2009

my first squash, 2009

these days...

i've learned it doesn't pay off to be full of rage & completely stressed out. of course, i knew this before. but i'm learning it all over again as my physical therapist beats the crap out of my neck/shoulders/back twice a week, bringing me to tears. i'm not sure if this is better or worse than the days when stress went straight to my stomach, leaving me constipated & sometimes throwing up uncontrollably. i think this is better. it's closer to the top of my person which means it's closer to leaving me, right? maybe i'm getting a little better at dealing with it?? i think so.

can't wait to get out of here & at the same time, i'm nervous about being gone (missing things at work, falling behind, leaving my intern w/out supervision) & about how "relaxing" our trip home will or won't be... i feel like we have to move closer to home in order to graduate into taking actual vacations by ourselves.

bizarro world

so, we had this "team building" thing at work this morning... it was pretty lame. for several of the activities, we broke into pre-assigned groups. guess who was in my group of 6... that's right, mm was in my group. what the hell? somebody's got it out for me. our first group activity was listing all of the things we value in a work situation. most of us said things like "honesty, integrity, communication, openness..." mm contributed things like "sacrifice". huh.

our final activity was to create values statements for terms that our group was assigned. what did we get? honesty & integrity, of course. the whole time i was thinking it was all too bizarre. why did this happen? was i going to bust at the seams & go on my soap box about everything? i sure felt like it - though i know that's not something i would ever seriously consider doing. we had no productive conversation - we stole the values statement example from the lame facilitator, verbatim. she didn't even realize it. our conversation revolved around what our new email address should be. pretty productive.

on the way back to the office, i spilled my guts to my supervisor. it was kinda freaky at the time - the words were just pouring out of my mouth. anyone who knows me knows how well i hide my emotions/thoughts... all of my frustrations came out. my supervisor agreed with all of my criticisms & said he's voiced his opinion many many times over the years. but it always falls on deaf ears, so there's really no point in sharing my thoughts... i'm so grateful for the conversation because i feel heard & now know i'm not alone. lots of folks feel the same. thank god. when i got back to the office, my face was flushed & the intern asked if i'd been out doing some public speaking (because she knows i get flustered in that instance...).

i feel better.


so, that was my day.

more venting

i would very much like this to be the last time i'm writing solely about the nonsense going on at work. it's been on my mind a lot lately - go figure. i spend about 50 hours a week there...

so last wednesday was m's last day. it was wierd. i was incredibly sad leading up to it & sad when she left & i'm still sad now that's she's really gone. the strange thing is that she really made me nuts sometimes, just being herself. so why was it so difficult to say goodbye? three big reasons: she was the only one of my colleagues with a spine - willing to speak her mind even when it was most unpopular; integrity out the wazoo; kind & genuine; a lot of her ideas challenged me to open my mind to different ideas & ways of thinking/being, which is something i don't find too often. it was a great loss to me & to our organization. it wouldn't be so horrible if she didn't have to leave the country - but she did. so it's almost like she died, which is just terrible & sad.

as if all of this wasn't enough, m's supervisor resigned under extreme duress the following day. i've been expecting it for a while & we'd talked about it several times, so it definitely wasn't a shock. everything that led up to it was very difficult to witness though - knowing i could do nothing but watch as this person whom i deeply respect suffered humiliation & degradation. i have lost any ounce of respect i had for the "leader" of our organization. i've been struggling with all of these thoughts for days - first wondering what i could do that would stop everything he put into motion & then trying to figure out how to deal with the resulting emotions. i've felt extremely disappointed this past week, which is wierd because i wouldn't say i care all that much for my job (though i do care for my direct reports). i honestly can't believe that people are like this... that i work for someone who is like this. i think there's a large part of me that felt good about going to work for people (& for an organization) that exists to help people. know what i mean? a job with a purpose that has nothing to do with personal financial gain. turns out power & ego are enough motivation for people to be assholes. so it's been a tough few weeks. i'm trying to figure out how to continue working for this organization - how can i stay & support the one in power when i disagree so strongly with things that are happening? honestly, i want the whole organization to fail. i want them to fall flat on their face. but i know that wouldn't change anything - it would just hurt all the people who benefit from the organization & all those who are employed there. so... i'm choosing to suck it up & figure out how i can express myself without loosing my job. all the stress of the last few weeks has sabotoged my other shoulder, which is now acting all crazy & painful. my physical therapist told me i needed to tell off whoever it was that was stressing me out so my body could relax & let go of the stress. how can i do it?

i've vented in my journal & to those around me & it's not enough. so, i'm venting here. it's funny - i feel like i'm on that tv show Survivor but i have no alliances & i don't know who it's safe to talk to...

things i would like mm to know:

• how does your self-professed faith in jesus christ inspire you to do this work & to humiliate and devalue those you employ? all people deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect - this includes the population we serve and your employees. it's all too catholic church for me - priests saying one thing at the pulpit & molest children behind closed doors.
  
• a few words about good leadership: (1) Strong leaders own up to their decisions. if you decide someone is no longer a good fit for the organization, communicate that openly and relieve them of their position in a dignified manner. it's all on you. own it. don't force them to quit or be miserable because they can't meet impossible expectations you've set. (2) Strong leaders are able to handle conflict. handle doesn't mean systematically remove all staff who disagree with you. disagreement is healthy - it even said so in "The 5 Disfunctions of a Team" book you made us read & lectured us about. (3) Strong leaders live up to their word. Don't say you're being open & honest when you know it's not true. your employees are intelligent people - we can smell your deceit a mile away. It's creating a culture of fear - people feel they cannot express their opinions openly lest they lose their jobs. (4) Strong leaders need strong teams to accomplish their goals. All of your foolishness occupies our minds so much that it's difficult to be productive.
  
• you may be building a large organization that will be successful someday, but you have no integrity. you're all talk.
  
• You suck.

and now it's late, so i must be off to bed. but first, a few quick notes about my real life: i went to a meditation group last week and a toastmasters meeting. both interesting things i'd like to do again. thich nhat hanh here i come....

seriously, a job that's not stressful. does one exist??

something is rotten...

...in the state of my job. ugh. another hard week. more crying. it was awesome. that place is sucking the life outta me.

one of the folks from the place we're merging with relocated to our office this week. initially i was kinda excited - fresh blood, you know? she's going to be doing HR stuff, though that was only a small portion of her job pre-merger. so i was asking her some questions about putting together training for the incoming crew (by the way, recruitment is in the toilet...), specifically communication training. you know, cuz not everyone's able to communicate well. & she made some gross generalization about young people's inability to communicate verbally, blah blah blah. it was full of spite & not at all what i was expecting. HR folks generally listen, not spout off their own bizarro opinions. our previous part-time HR person was full of ideas for communication training & she was great - cuz she was an HR professional. jeeeeezus. i thought the merger was supposed to improve things not put more boobs in charge.

the highlight of the week was hanging out w/ dan last Sunday. it was fantastic. the weather was gorgeous. we had a virginia adventure & visited monticello. i'd never been before. it was pretty interesting. it was so nice to have a full day off together, great weather & go on a little road trip. sunday's high caused the rest of the week to pale in comparison, i guess. M is leaving in 5 days. it's so wierd. i really feel that things are going to become unhinged in a matter of days/weeks.

on a brighter note, i'm going to a potluck with a wacky group of folks tomorrow... should be interesting. what the hell should i bring? it's gotta be something in season or i'll feel bad. huh.

forgot to mention our participation in shabbat last friday evening. i also enjoyed that. it was mildly nerve-wracking, but good. i have a little trouble distinguishing the boundaries when i hang out with my supervisees. not sure what's ok to say & what's not.

holy crap i'm tired.