i've learned it doesn't pay off to be full of rage & completely stressed out. of course, i knew this before. but i'm learning it all over again as my physical therapist beats the crap out of my neck/shoulders/back twice a week, bringing me to tears. i'm not sure if this is better or worse than the days when stress went straight to my stomach, leaving me constipated & sometimes throwing up uncontrollably. i think this is better. it's closer to the top of my person which means it's closer to leaving me, right? maybe i'm getting a little better at dealing with it?? i think so.
can't wait to get out of here & at the same time, i'm nervous about being gone (missing things at work, falling behind, leaving my intern w/out supervision) & about how "relaxing" our trip home will or won't be... i feel like we have to move closer to home in order to graduate into taking actual vacations by ourselves.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
bizarro world
so, we had this "team building" thing at work this morning... it was pretty lame. for several of the activities, we broke into pre-assigned groups. guess who was in my group of 6... that's right, mm was in my group. what the hell? somebody's got it out for me. our first group activity was listing all of the things we value in a work situation. most of us said things like "honesty, integrity, communication, openness..." mm contributed things like "sacrifice". huh.
our final activity was to create values statements for terms that our group was assigned. what did we get? honesty & integrity, of course. the whole time i was thinking it was all too bizarre. why did this happen? was i going to bust at the seams & go on my soap box about everything? i sure felt like it - though i know that's not something i would ever seriously consider doing. we had no productive conversation - we stole the values statement example from the lame facilitator, verbatim. she didn't even realize it. our conversation revolved around what our new email address should be. pretty productive.
on the way back to the office, i spilled my guts to my supervisor. it was kinda freaky at the time - the words were just pouring out of my mouth. anyone who knows me knows how well i hide my emotions/thoughts... all of my frustrations came out. my supervisor agreed with all of my criticisms & said he's voiced his opinion many many times over the years. but it always falls on deaf ears, so there's really no point in sharing my thoughts... i'm so grateful for the conversation because i feel heard & now know i'm not alone. lots of folks feel the same. thank god. when i got back to the office, my face was flushed & the intern asked if i'd been out doing some public speaking (because she knows i get flustered in that instance...).
i feel better.
so, that was my day.
our final activity was to create values statements for terms that our group was assigned. what did we get? honesty & integrity, of course. the whole time i was thinking it was all too bizarre. why did this happen? was i going to bust at the seams & go on my soap box about everything? i sure felt like it - though i know that's not something i would ever seriously consider doing. we had no productive conversation - we stole the values statement example from the lame facilitator, verbatim. she didn't even realize it. our conversation revolved around what our new email address should be. pretty productive.
on the way back to the office, i spilled my guts to my supervisor. it was kinda freaky at the time - the words were just pouring out of my mouth. anyone who knows me knows how well i hide my emotions/thoughts... all of my frustrations came out. my supervisor agreed with all of my criticisms & said he's voiced his opinion many many times over the years. but it always falls on deaf ears, so there's really no point in sharing my thoughts... i'm so grateful for the conversation because i feel heard & now know i'm not alone. lots of folks feel the same. thank god. when i got back to the office, my face was flushed & the intern asked if i'd been out doing some public speaking (because she knows i get flustered in that instance...).
i feel better.
so, that was my day.
Monday, June 22, 2009
more venting
i would very much like this to be the last time i'm writing solely about the nonsense going on at work. it's been on my mind a lot lately - go figure. i spend about 50 hours a week there...
so last wednesday was m's last day. it was wierd. i was incredibly sad leading up to it & sad when she left & i'm still sad now that's she's really gone. the strange thing is that she really made me nuts sometimes, just being herself. so why was it so difficult to say goodbye? three big reasons: she was the only one of my colleagues with a spine - willing to speak her mind even when it was most unpopular; integrity out the wazoo; kind & genuine; a lot of her ideas challenged me to open my mind to different ideas & ways of thinking/being, which is something i don't find too often. it was a great loss to me & to our organization. it wouldn't be so horrible if she didn't have to leave the country - but she did. so it's almost like she died, which is just terrible & sad.
as if all of this wasn't enough, m's supervisor resigned under extreme duress the following day. i've been expecting it for a while & we'd talked about it several times, so it definitely wasn't a shock. everything that led up to it was very difficult to witness though - knowing i could do nothing but watch as this person whom i deeply respect suffered humiliation & degradation. i have lost any ounce of respect i had for the "leader" of our organization. i've been struggling with all of these thoughts for days - first wondering what i could do that would stop everything he put into motion & then trying to figure out how to deal with the resulting emotions. i've felt extremely disappointed this past week, which is wierd because i wouldn't say i care all that much for my job (though i do care for my direct reports). i honestly can't believe that people are like this... that i work for someone who is like this. i think there's a large part of me that felt good about going to work for people (& for an organization) that exists to help people. know what i mean? a job with a purpose that has nothing to do with personal financial gain. turns out power & ego are enough motivation for people to be assholes. so it's been a tough few weeks. i'm trying to figure out how to continue working for this organization - how can i stay & support the one in power when i disagree so strongly with things that are happening? honestly, i want the whole organization to fail. i want them to fall flat on their face. but i know that wouldn't change anything - it would just hurt all the people who benefit from the organization & all those who are employed there. so... i'm choosing to suck it up & figure out how i can express myself without loosing my job. all the stress of the last few weeks has sabotoged my other shoulder, which is now acting all crazy & painful. my physical therapist told me i needed to tell off whoever it was that was stressing me out so my body could relax & let go of the stress. how can i do it?
i've vented in my journal & to those around me & it's not enough. so, i'm venting here. it's funny - i feel like i'm on that tv show Survivor but i have no alliances & i don't know who it's safe to talk to...
things i would like mm to know:
and now it's late, so i must be off to bed. but first, a few quick notes about my real life: i went to a meditation group last week and a toastmasters meeting. both interesting things i'd like to do again. thich nhat hanh here i come....
seriously, a job that's not stressful. does one exist??
so last wednesday was m's last day. it was wierd. i was incredibly sad leading up to it & sad when she left & i'm still sad now that's she's really gone. the strange thing is that she really made me nuts sometimes, just being herself. so why was it so difficult to say goodbye? three big reasons: she was the only one of my colleagues with a spine - willing to speak her mind even when it was most unpopular; integrity out the wazoo; kind & genuine; a lot of her ideas challenged me to open my mind to different ideas & ways of thinking/being, which is something i don't find too often. it was a great loss to me & to our organization. it wouldn't be so horrible if she didn't have to leave the country - but she did. so it's almost like she died, which is just terrible & sad.
as if all of this wasn't enough, m's supervisor resigned under extreme duress the following day. i've been expecting it for a while & we'd talked about it several times, so it definitely wasn't a shock. everything that led up to it was very difficult to witness though - knowing i could do nothing but watch as this person whom i deeply respect suffered humiliation & degradation. i have lost any ounce of respect i had for the "leader" of our organization. i've been struggling with all of these thoughts for days - first wondering what i could do that would stop everything he put into motion & then trying to figure out how to deal with the resulting emotions. i've felt extremely disappointed this past week, which is wierd because i wouldn't say i care all that much for my job (though i do care for my direct reports). i honestly can't believe that people are like this... that i work for someone who is like this. i think there's a large part of me that felt good about going to work for people (& for an organization) that exists to help people. know what i mean? a job with a purpose that has nothing to do with personal financial gain. turns out power & ego are enough motivation for people to be assholes. so it's been a tough few weeks. i'm trying to figure out how to continue working for this organization - how can i stay & support the one in power when i disagree so strongly with things that are happening? honestly, i want the whole organization to fail. i want them to fall flat on their face. but i know that wouldn't change anything - it would just hurt all the people who benefit from the organization & all those who are employed there. so... i'm choosing to suck it up & figure out how i can express myself without loosing my job. all the stress of the last few weeks has sabotoged my other shoulder, which is now acting all crazy & painful. my physical therapist told me i needed to tell off whoever it was that was stressing me out so my body could relax & let go of the stress. how can i do it?
i've vented in my journal & to those around me & it's not enough. so, i'm venting here. it's funny - i feel like i'm on that tv show Survivor but i have no alliances & i don't know who it's safe to talk to...
things i would like mm to know:
- how does your self-professed faith in jesus christ inspire you to do this work & to humiliate and devalue those you employ? all people deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect - this includes the population we serve and your employees. it's all too catholic church for me - priests saying one thing at the pulpit & molest children behind closed doors.
- a few words about good leadership: (1) Strong leaders own up to their decisions. if you decide someone is no longer a good fit for the organization, communicate that openly and relieve them of their position in a dignified manner. it's all on you. own it. don't force them to quit or be miserable because they can't meet impossible expectations you've set. (2) Strong leaders are able to handle conflict. handle doesn't mean systematically remove all staff who disagree with you. disagreement is healthy - it even said so in "The 5 Disfunctions of a Team" book you made us read & lectured us about. (3) Strong leaders live up to their word. Don't say you're being open & honest when you know it's not true. your employees are intelligent people - we can smell your deceit a mile away. It's creating a culture of fear - people feel they cannot express their opinions openly lest they lose their jobs. (4) Strong leaders need strong teams to accomplish their goals. All of your foolishness occupies our minds so much that it's difficult to be productive.
- you may be building a large organization that will be successful someday, but you have no integrity. you're all talk.
- You suck.
and now it's late, so i must be off to bed. but first, a few quick notes about my real life: i went to a meditation group last week and a toastmasters meeting. both interesting things i'd like to do again. thich nhat hanh here i come....
seriously, a job that's not stressful. does one exist??
Friday, June 12, 2009
something is rotten...
...in the state of my job. ugh. another hard week. more crying. it was awesome. that place is sucking the life outta me.one of the folks from the place we're merging with relocated to our office this week. initially i was kinda excited - fresh blood, you know? she's going to be doing HR stuff, though that was only a small portion of her job pre-merger. so i was asking her some questions about putting together training for the incoming crew (by the way, recruitment is in the toilet...), specifically communication training. you know, cuz not everyone's able to communicate well. & she made some gross generalization about young people's inability to communicate verbally, blah blah blah. it was full of spite & not at all what i was expecting. HR folks generally listen, not spout off their own bizarro opinions. our previous part-time HR person was full of ideas for communication training & she was great - cuz she was an HR professional. jeeeeezus. i thought the merger was supposed to improve things not put more boobs in charge.
the highlight of the week was hanging out w/ dan last Sunday. it was fantastic. the weather was gorgeous. we had a virginia adventure & visited monticello. i'd never been before. it was pretty interesting. it was so nice to have a full day off together, great weather & go on a little road trip. sunday's high caused the rest of the week to pale in comparison, i guess. M is leaving in 5 days. it's so wierd. i really feel that things are going to become unhinged in a matter of days/weeks.
on a brighter note, i'm going to a potluck with a wacky group of folks tomorrow... should be interesting. what the hell should i bring? it's gotta be something in season or i'll feel bad. huh.
forgot to mention our participation in shabbat last friday evening. i also enjoyed that. it was mildly nerve-wracking, but good. i have a little trouble distinguishing the boundaries when i hang out with my supervisees. not sure what's ok to say & what's not.
holy crap i'm tired.
Friday, May 29, 2009
the twilight zone
today work was a mixture of wierd, uncomfortable & awful. but i stayed until almost 9 tonight & i was able to catch up on some things & that feels good. stupid pms. tonight i started to feel kinda sad m is leaving. i had to break it to my supervisees today & that was no fun. who wants to be the bearer of bad news? (especially bad news that not really bad. good for her, finally being a little strategic & ending up with a severance package.)
i've got an intern for the next 5 weeks. kinda nervous about it, as i have absolutely no time to manage that on top of everything else. we spent more than half the day at the offices of the organization we're merging with... though it feels much more like a hostile take over. it was pretty awkward cuz we were just there to see which of their things would be moving to our office space. a few of them were discussing how much they didn't want to go/knew they weren't going to like their new job, etc. our E.D. released the newest organizational chart yesterday - a lot of people had different titles & different positions, some people were in different departments. the worst thing about it was that the newest staff member (6-months in) has been promoted to a department director & someone else who was the director for 5 years was demoted & is now working under her. but they're both such great people - super nice, etc. it's just so awful & awkward. the new director, who is also new to the non-profit world was telling me today that she expected non-profit to be very different but was surprised that it's basically the same as for profit. huh. that makes me feel ill. this is definitely not the place that it was 7 years ago when i moved to b'more. whatever. enough about my work. it's taking over.
i think the new intern's a little dyke. kinda cute. i think she was flirting with one of the other lesbians. can't say i've witnessed lesbian flirting right next to my desk before. first time for everything i guess.
i've got an intern for the next 5 weeks. kinda nervous about it, as i have absolutely no time to manage that on top of everything else. we spent more than half the day at the offices of the organization we're merging with... though it feels much more like a hostile take over. it was pretty awkward cuz we were just there to see which of their things would be moving to our office space. a few of them were discussing how much they didn't want to go/knew they weren't going to like their new job, etc. our E.D. released the newest organizational chart yesterday - a lot of people had different titles & different positions, some people were in different departments. the worst thing about it was that the newest staff member (6-months in) has been promoted to a department director & someone else who was the director for 5 years was demoted & is now working under her. but they're both such great people - super nice, etc. it's just so awful & awkward. the new director, who is also new to the non-profit world was telling me today that she expected non-profit to be very different but was surprised that it's basically the same as for profit. huh. that makes me feel ill. this is definitely not the place that it was 7 years ago when i moved to b'more. whatever. enough about my work. it's taking over.
i think the new intern's a little dyke. kinda cute. i think she was flirting with one of the other lesbians. can't say i've witnessed lesbian flirting right next to my desk before. first time for everything i guess.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
i'm monica... i'm disgusting...
so, i feel a little bit like i'm being eaten alive at my job. i actually cried a little bit at work yesterday (secretly - i didn't make a scene & no one saw me). i was just so damn frustrated with all this crap. on top of my regular work load, which is already increased because of recruitment season, i've got a bunch of other stupid crap for the merger integration. & of course we're encouraged to work as hard as we can - no acknowledgement that we have lives or are breaking our necks to stay on top of things. i have yet to catch up since jury duty. it's pretty sad.
today's integration news: m got the pink-slip. her last day is june 30. it's kinda funny because organizing the staff to pose layoff alternatives was her idea. we can all see where that ended up... seriously though, she went about it all wrong. open hostility, etc. but she was planning to leave the country at the end of june anyway because her boyfriend's contract ends & they both have work visa's so they can't stay. i'm mixed between sad (because she really did bring some great things to our work place, or try to) & relieved (she made a lot of things significantly more difficult & stressful because she often says things in a critical way to our executive director) so, i'm pretty mixed about it. i've been pretty pissed off with her lately because i knew she was planning to leave & yet she never let up with the hostility - always pushing her own agenda. that part of me is so relieved this crap with her is almost over... & yet i know she'll be missed.
it's been a long, crappy few days. at the end of the day today i decided to join a few of the office gals for dinner & drinks to rehash all the crap going on. i knew it was probably not the best idea before i went. what else are people going to talk about other than rehashing & gossiping about merger stuff?? nothing. but i went anyway, in the hopes of bonding with my co-workers who i actually rarely see & don't really work with, per se. it was kinda ok for a while. at some point we decided to move on to other random topics. netflix came up. well, you know, i've been checking out some random documentaries lately & i decided to share. (i think i just wanted to have something to say, as i don't really know these people well & sitting silently is lame after a while.) last weekend i watched The Business of Being Born, which was actually really interesting. a little freaky, but good. (all about our health care system & why childbirth is medicalized in our country.) but the other one was just plain bizarre & i wanted to share it for that reason only. to see their reactions. well, it was a little ackward. conversation immediately stopped & then we went on to something else. so i guess i'm the wierdo... but that's fine. seriously though, wouldn't you be intrigued by the title Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate? well, maybe you wouldn't. but i was, so i watched it. thank you, instant download. i think that's all i'm going to say about it - you'll have to check it out for yourself if you're intrigued. it's pretty wacky. there's no actual sex in it at all. but it was filmed in the '80s & the people are so awkward looking... yikes.
so, i give up on people from my work. i'm just gonna be me & that's that. i don't need to bond with coworkers. of course it would help, but i realize it's not going to happen. & i'll probably still watch wierd documentaries cuz regular movies put me to sleep. (& sometimes documentaries do too, schmelvetica.)
today's integration news: m got the pink-slip. her last day is june 30. it's kinda funny because organizing the staff to pose layoff alternatives was her idea. we can all see where that ended up... seriously though, she went about it all wrong. open hostility, etc. but she was planning to leave the country at the end of june anyway because her boyfriend's contract ends & they both have work visa's so they can't stay. i'm mixed between sad (because she really did bring some great things to our work place, or try to) & relieved (she made a lot of things significantly more difficult & stressful because she often says things in a critical way to our executive director) so, i'm pretty mixed about it. i've been pretty pissed off with her lately because i knew she was planning to leave & yet she never let up with the hostility - always pushing her own agenda. that part of me is so relieved this crap with her is almost over... & yet i know she'll be missed.
it's been a long, crappy few days. at the end of the day today i decided to join a few of the office gals for dinner & drinks to rehash all the crap going on. i knew it was probably not the best idea before i went. what else are people going to talk about other than rehashing & gossiping about merger stuff?? nothing. but i went anyway, in the hopes of bonding with my co-workers who i actually rarely see & don't really work with, per se. it was kinda ok for a while. at some point we decided to move on to other random topics. netflix came up. well, you know, i've been checking out some random documentaries lately & i decided to share. (i think i just wanted to have something to say, as i don't really know these people well & sitting silently is lame after a while.) last weekend i watched The Business of Being Born, which was actually really interesting. a little freaky, but good. (all about our health care system & why childbirth is medicalized in our country.) but the other one was just plain bizarre & i wanted to share it for that reason only. to see their reactions. well, it was a little ackward. conversation immediately stopped & then we went on to something else. so i guess i'm the wierdo... but that's fine. seriously though, wouldn't you be intrigued by the title Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate? well, maybe you wouldn't. but i was, so i watched it. thank you, instant download. i think that's all i'm going to say about it - you'll have to check it out for yourself if you're intrigued. it's pretty wacky. there's no actual sex in it at all. but it was filmed in the '80s & the people are so awkward looking... yikes.
so, i give up on people from my work. i'm just gonna be me & that's that. i don't need to bond with coworkers. of course it would help, but i realize it's not going to happen. & i'll probably still watch wierd documentaries cuz regular movies put me to sleep. (& sometimes documentaries do too, schmelvetica.)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
is there a lesson here?
turns out our offer was too low. stupid crap. we were supposed to be mr. mcintyre's neighbor & raise our babies in that house. (i just want to clarify that we have no babies.) oh well. something else will come along, right?
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